Well carve a hole in a pumpkin and call me Randy …it’s finally October! I know the blog posts aren’t exactly coming fast and furious these days, I’ve been concentrating on my new, actual-for-real job and settling in, but I promise to get back on a regular schedule soon for the 3 or 4 of you reading. But I absolutely would not miss this annual Halloween Mixtape Post. Everyone who knows me knows this is my favorite thing of the entire year, a tradition started by DJ Daymage in 2009 that I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to top, copy and rip off ever since. This is my first mix using Ableton Live. I use it correctly about 0.000001% of the time, but I was able to do a few special bits here and there on this year’s mix. And, for any of the songs I didn’t already own, I actually purchased…including the Louvin Brother’s “Satan Is Real.” So they should see a 5 cent spike on their royalty check this month.
First things first, if you download all the Halloween mixtapes from DJ Daymage and I—from now until the present—you’ll now have yourself exactly 4 Hours and 18 Minutes of Halloween spookery to listen to all month long.
Some thank you’s are in order: The LAW Group (especially Sean T. Collins for lending no less than 6 rare horror soundtracks, which I used in hopes I’ll be repaid with ongoing Mad Men commentary and discussion at his website) and my Facebook and Twitter super-pals for sending me a ton of great suggestions, too many of which to use. I hope some of yours made it. If they didn’t, it’s nothing personal: probably just in the hopper for next year.
Matt at X-Entertainment for carrying the online Halloween geek-out torch better and brighter than anyone. I’ve been reading his site for, Jesus….so many years now. To this day, no one beats X-Entertainment. Horror and VHS-core sites The Scandy Factory and—the site I got this year’s cover from—VHS Wasteland. They are doing god’s work. Respect. And, last but not least, the greatest site on the internet, Everything is Terrible! who I share my very aesthetic DNA with. Mad props 4 Evah.
So without further ado, World of Ward Crap.com presents… TERROR STAIN: A 2011 HA11OWEEN MIXTAPE! Below, you can read the track listing SPOILERS. I, for one, don’t read track listings before I hear a mixtape because I enjoy the surprises. If you’re like me, check it out after you listen.
I’m proud to present my first ever Halloween mix, SATANIAC, clocking in at 52:08, in what I hope will be an annual thing from me instead of Christmas cards. Because, really…Christmas? So what who cares so what. Download it HERE! or stream it below while you’re getting your costume together.
This is my attempt to rip off Daymon’s (aka DJ Daymage) wonderful Halloween mixes, and I had a lot of fun doing it. We both made separate mixes this year, and there were even a few surprise overlaps in songs…which is cool, we like a lot of the same shit. It’s not nearly as good, because my transitions can be really sophomoric at times but it does the trick. Or should I say…does the Trick or Treat! No. No I shouldn’t say that. That’s horrible. Why would you encourage me to type that.
The mix is supposed to vaguely mimic an 80s straight-to-VHS movie plot from zombie outbreak, to mass killings, to more death to “annnnnd the killer’s eyes open!” to the saxophone-tastic end credits.
I really hope you all enjoy it, and don’t read the track listings if you like surprises. It would be a good time to mention that I stole all the amazing VHS artwork from my new favorite site of all time, The Scandy Gallery. He’s doing God’s Work over there, and I salute him for it.
So, until the sequel…enjoy. Because [SPOILER ALERT] you’re not making it all the way to the sequel. You die, like, midway through. Download HERE.
Hey, how’s it going there, ace? Why don’t you go ahead and come in, and close the door behind you. Just have a seat. Go ahead and park that sweet little ass of yours right here next to me. Have you been eating less? Because I don’t mind saying you look REALLY reasonable today in that outfit.
Now, Cindy is telling me you’ve been coming to this website for a while, and you’ve yet to watch our Mandatory Corporate Compliance Video. I’m going to go ahead and insist that you do that now. It’s a short video, and then you can get back to your lunch. Though I would recommend not finishing your lunch, if you want to continue to look the way you do now and, as a result, continue working here. How’s that sound, kiddo? Great, Great…
Every night I spend alone in my wood-paneled basement leads me to the same conclusion: I wish I could play a VCR Mystery Game with self-decapitating robots. Apparently, the purpose of this game is to save the Earth from robots, which kind of goes against Issac Assimov’s Three Laws of Robotics. But a game where you’re just ordering robots around wouldn’t be too fun, I guess. So instead, the game involves a robot ripping it’s own head off and coldly relaying that “you’ve made a mistake” before it, I assume, uses your intestines as a leash for its Robot Dog. Good, clean, terrifying fun for all. “Wanna come over? I’ve got this game where Robot Paul Reiser tears off its own head to prove a point. It’s for up to 4 players? No? Ok, maybe some other time! Just text me if you change your mind! I have no friends LOL.”
Let’s watch the commercial, as I imagine it in my mind. Thanks to Gary Hodges for passing this tape along!
“Within 5 minutes, you’ll be on one of 256 possible courses to save the galaxy.” It’s like the Butterfly Effect, if the fabric of time were limited to 80 minutes of SLP video!
This is an Amway propaganda tape I picked up about the dangers of common, every day tap water. She’s just watching out for her children’s interests, at the end of the day. Good for her.
Left to right: Recently deceased Golden Girls Rue McClanahan, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and Slipknot bassist Masky McGee, who committed suicide.
It’s been a rough week on us all as my Celebrity Wristwatch Curse continues. First, I got this Michael Jackson watch as a gift, and now my wife’s Golden Girl watch has claimed its next victim. It’s just like the Monkey’s Paw, but for $20 plastic wristwatches. So that’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve bought ever single Rod Blagojevich watch and I plan on wearing them up both arms as long as it takes.
Remember, the Golden Girls airs at 6 and 6:30 on WE Network, 11 and 11:30 EST on Hallmark, and 11 and 11:30 on WE again. Also, I’ll see you on the Hallmark Channel forums (yes, they have a thriving message board community! Thank you for asking!)
In memorial, one last time with passion….let’s return to a magical place, sugah. Rue has already been to Cat Mountain, so heaven holds no surprises for her.
I’m no stranger to gospel music, techno mash-ups or inappropriatereligiousiconography…so perhaps that’s why this perfect storm of videos (brought to my attention by Bryan Sandlegs Morrelli) is something I will never, ever, ever stop enjoying. Just try not to Get The Ghost when you watch these. Like, every time I see them I want to go out of my mind. I want to fly a cross shaped jet at supersonic speed. I want to cut someone’s head off with communion wafer ninja stars. I want blood to spray out of a Virgin Mary statue’s eyes like a fire hose and knock everyone over in the first 3 rows. I want to LIVE, dammit! LIVE!!!!
Seanbaby’s incredibly comprehensive review of the Secret Video Game Tips, Codes & Strategies VHS (and interview with star Donn “With Two N’s” Nauert!) is a thing of comedy beauty I won’t attempt to duplicate. Go read it again for the first time. But that post is years old now, and most of the videos don’t work. Probably because they pre-date YouTube.
And that’s a shame, because you’ve probably never gotten to see the clip of the world’s most Goddawful NES Secret Code of All Time. I don’t think Seanbaby mentions this one.
This video is for any of you kids bitching about load times or hard drive space or 16-digit Wii Friend Codes (ok, those still suck. You can bitch about that), just remember that when I was a kid, I had to learn about a 70-character level select code from a mouthbreathing hoser on a tracking-impaired VHS tape. And what did my trouble get me? A chance to cheat at Rambo, one of the worst 8-bit turds to come out of the lower intestine of Acclaim’s game developers.
Shown: The way a real man enters a level select code: double fist it. “Capallll E, small Gee, Cappall H, Zerohl, Zerohl, Zerohl…”
Step 1: Go to Six Flags with your kid brother in the early nineties. Step 2: Appear in a karaoke version of a New Kids on the Block song. Step 3: Shamed by the video and shunned by peers for admitting you like NKOTB, you lock it away in a cabinet for 20 years and begin a downward spiral of social stability. Step 4: Accidentally donate it to the Salvation Army. Step 5: Smart-ass finds it. Step 6: Internet star.
I love these kids. This video is almost too adorable for this website. I wonder who they are? I wonder why someone would get rid of a tape like this? I wonder if the kid on the drums was so bored because, in the overpriced Six Flags “Make a Music Video” studio, the drums have no drum heads. It’s true. Sorry to ruin the magic. I convinced my parents to let me do one of these videos only because I wanted to play the drums, only to learn there are neither drums to play or guitars with strings. I can’t remember what song we did, either. But I remember how disappointed I was between the sham music video, and the chalk caricature of me in roller blades. I wonder where my Six Flags music video is? Probably in my parent’s basement in a box marked “Donate to Goodwill Center.”
One of my favorite Halloween traditions is an annual email I get from a friend and college professor, Mr. John “I’ve Seen Everything” Dodd: A staggering review of 45 horror movies over 31 days. 90% of them you’ve never heard of, and 95% of them no person on Earth should take the time to watch.
While working at Wizard Magazine (I know, here we go again…), I had the opportunity to interview Hostel’s Eli Roth, Rob Zombie, 30 Days of Night’s Steve Niles and Tom Jane many times. Each time, those guys never failed to act cocky about their horror knowledge. I always just laughed to myself, because when it comes to horror, my boy Dodd could take those guys to school.
This list (and this is only one year!) is such an extensive undertaking, you just gotta give him props for enduring (in most cases) such trash for 31 days straight.
Dodd’s an amazing guy, and he’s pretty much the teacher that really got me wanting to be a full-time writer. It’s easy to see why.
This was apparently his last year for this, and I’m hoping he will somehow break both his legs so that all he has time for is sitting in a chair, watching, typing and amusing me once more with 31 horror reviews a year. Write, horror monkey! WRITE!
Everyone,
Here it is year five for the annual 31 days of horror. Once
again I am wearied and saying this might be my last October,
that I will retire and do whatever other people do in
October. Sure, I had to take Saturdays off, not because I’m
Jewish, but because my work schedule requires me to work
all day on Saturdays. Oh well. Let’s begin.
October 1 – Off to an anemic start ** HOUSE OF TERROR
If there was truth in titles this one would be called House of Very
Mild Suspense. The dusty thriller has a nurse hired to look
after the wife of “one of the richest men in California.” Nurse
has a crooked boyfriend, boyfriend kills rich wife and stages it
as a suicide, nurse marries rich dude, boyfriend plots an
accident, nurse falls for rich dude, everyone dies at the end
(when if finally comes). Just a little too racy for TV in 1973
but not explicit enough to stretch the PG rating.
October 2 – Not any better
*1/2 THE RED HEADED CORPSE
Once again, we have a mystery masquerading as
a horror film. In this Italian film, Farley Granger brings home
a sex doll and imagines it coming to life in the image of a former
love. A long flashback shows the viewer how he became delusional.
Watchable but unmemorable, The Red Headed Corpse will be forgotten
two days after watching.
October 3 – We have blood (well, a little anyway)
**1/2 WELCOME TO ARROW BEACH
A Young Meg Foster plays a hitchhiker wandering through
the private beach of eccentric Jason Henry (played by Laurence Harvey
who also directed). Henry invites the girl to stay at his house
but has a secret. Since a pre-credit scrawl informs the viewer
that human flesh has been known to become addictive, one can
guess what Henry’s secret is. One imaginative murder (with
still photo shots) and the a good cast help out. John Ireland
and Stuart Whitman play (what else?) cops. Unfortunately, Laurence
Harvey’s daughter Domino does not show up to kill anyone.
THERE’S 30 DAYS TO GO! CLICK ON THROUGH…UNLESS YOU’RE….CHICKEN.
