[NOTE: This post originally ran on Aug. 17, 2009. It's re-printed now because I'm lazy for your enjoyment.]

SO what did you miss this weekend? For one, it was apparently the anniversary of Woodstock. I don’t know about you, but it seems like just yesterday that Trent Reznor was rolling around in that mud and setting squat-o-potties on fire. I only get my news from Yahoo!, and they were all over this story:

Shown: Jimi Hendrix—what HAS he been up to these days? Also, Mona Lisa and Charles Manson: Who Wore It Best?

But for the tens of people who read this blog, you’ll also be interested to know that this weekend, the Illinois State Fair kicked off! And, as usual, there was a lot of incredible, culturally worthwhile stuff to take in.

For only $10, you could have your own Jesus Christ The Supper Star Hat. This hat’s message is loud and clear: Can Jesus eat 200 hot dogs? You bet your ass. Is the invention of Brunch a lie sandwich from the pit of whole wheat hell? Yes indeed, brethren. Will God’s only begotten son always use his fork in a “tines-up” orientation, obeying the utensil etiquette painstakingly laid out in the New Testament? Damn right. And that’s because Jesus Christ is a Supper Star.

Here’s another classy piece for your wardrobe…

“Wow,” some of you may say. “This is what I’ll wear to my job interview.” And you’re in luck, because there were a whole series of these tees.

And THEN, as is custom at the state fair, a lifesize butter carving of DJ Qualls, designed to tie in with Road Trip: Beer Pong (available now on DVD and Blu-Ray!)

Now that’s what I call a QUALL-ity butter sculpture! Now that’s also what I QUALL giant balls on that Butter Cow! Or maybe that’s an udder! Or should I say…BUTTER!

AND FINALLY, an annual trip to the HAM, BACON and PROCESSED BEEF SHOW! Well worth the $35 admission. This year, they flew in a shank cut of smoked ham from Wisconsin, and a Brine Cured, Streaky Bellied Fatback Bacon from, you guessed it, Ham Lake, Minnesota (Town motto: “We Exist!”)

Shown: My wife, surprised that we’re not even close to where I said we were going when we got in the car! Zing-o! That’ll teach her to be a trusting wife!

Shown: My two favorite pictures of me standing in solidarity with meat. The first is from the 2009 Ham, Bacon and Processed Beef “Show,” (which is a bunch of meat behind a fucking window an actual “show” in every respect of the word). The second is my Bacon and Meth-addled mugshot from that weekend at the Ham Lake, MN police department, obtained under the Freedom of Information Act.

I avoid eye contact with three things, and I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting them from 50 yards out: Evangelicals, Homeless Dudes and Abortions. Not people for or against abortions, just actual abortions…like in a box on the side of the road or whatever. Usually it just ends up being some old pizza, but I’m always afraid I’ll come face to face with one (or face to mostly-formed-face, I suppose). ANYWAY, I end up walking past this booth with this box:

“What’s in the Box??!? WHAT’S IN THE BOX WHAT’S IN THE BOXXX?!?!”

There’s all these bible verses hanging on the booth, and this guy is just standing next to the box smiling. Another thing I’ve learned to watch out for, is guys standing next to boxes with holes cut in the top. It’s like the old saying goes: Fool me once, I grabbed a dick. Fool me TWICE…

Plus, there could be any number of abortions, homeless guys, more Evangelicals, Gweneth Paltrow’s head…it’s just freaking me out. But clearly, it’s okay for children over 12.

So let’s check it out, ya Dingus!

Simply amazing. Kudos, nice old man. Kudos. Your life will be spared when Pan, The Goat God, returns to Earth for the final vanquishing.

Check out Last Year’s Incredibly Bizarre State Fair Coverage HERE!