Remember a more charming, innocent time when you didn’t associate the eleven o’ clock hour with steel drums and Joe Francis’ Wayward Daughters Gone Wild? When alluding to sex, you had to say “party” or “make whoopi” or “have a wet whoopi party down at Flop Town?” Sure, we all do.

Ad #1: “We talked about EVERYTHING.”

When I feel lonely, I feel better knowing there’s a mom-jeans wearing Jersey girl out there wants to “tawlk, or just listen.” She’s on that phone line (you know, that fun phone line? Anyhowel…) We had SO much fun listening to how she says the word “anyhow.” For once, I’m just glad what’s actually on the other end of the phone during these calls is well-represented. Anyheowl, here it is….

Shown: Look into the eyeball.

Ad #2: “Actual Volleyball Coach Seeks Phone Love”

You know, I’m willing to suspend disbelief that a nympho sex kitten is waiting by the phone at all hours for my call, twirling the phone cord betwixt her fingers and painting her nails with little Pac-Men (hey, its my fantasy, OK? Stay out of this). But I draw the line at believing that male Volleyball coaches, female Playgirl models (aren’t Playgirl models dudes?), and Ambien-eating Executive Secretaries (that’s like saying CEO of Fry Cooks) are lining up to call, or even “talk to the Monitor if they’d like to be in the commercial.” What the hell? “You know, I’ve taken this Volleyball coaching thing about as far as it can go. It’s time to use my clout to represent a phone sex line.”

Hi, I’m Chad the Volleyball Coach—Bump, set, spike it, that’s the way I like it. Let’s have phone sex and, failing that, where are the volleyball games in my area?

Ad #3: “Be All That You Can Be Anyway You Want.”

This is probably one of my all time terrible favorites. It just drives me crazy the way the girl says “let me tell you about an exciting party line called 976-2900,” while confusing sleep deprivation for sexiness. I think I’ll try that sometime:

“Hey Chris, what’s your phone number?”
“My phone number? It’s called 555-2900″
“Ok, forget it if you’re going to be an asshole. What’s your email?”
“Let me tell you about my email called ChrisChrisChris@whooptydoo.com”

Also, “You can be yourself, or anyway you want.” Oh, good to hear! Can I also be on the phone, or any place I need?

Click through for more un-sexiness, and the LONGEST PHONE NUMBER EVER...

(more…)