I eat a lot of fast food. Lacking the foresight to make a documentary about it, I make no money off these culinary adventures, and therefore remain poor. And then I eat more fast food.

The closest place to me is Arby’s, which has a Machiavellian pricing scheme designed to confuse you and strip you of every last beefy cent. Their recent $5.01 combo campaign (AKA, the “oh, THAT’S why no one dines at Arby’s…we’re fuuuuuuckkkking exxxxxxxxpenssssssive!” campaign) has finally come along to supplant their failed “Arby’s gives me a boner” campaign:

I, for one, am all for the $5.01 new deal. Until last week, Arby’s deals were thus:

ME: I want two Roast Beef Sandwiches

CASHIER: That will be $8.

ME: For two sandwiches?

CASHIER: It’s cheaper to get the FIVE for $5 deal

ME: I don’t need five roast beef sandwiches. Can I just get four roast beef sandwiches and substitute a fry for one of the beefs.

CASHIER: Nope.

ME: Fine, give me five roast beef sandwiches for $5, instead of two sandwiches for $8.

CASHIER: Thanks! And here’s a coupon for $1 Roast Beef sandwiches, Limit 200 sandwiches.

ME: [stabs self to death, causing a big scene and spilling my innards as far from the mop bucket as I can, so that everyone will be staying late tonight]

NOTE: This is an actual $%^!@ coupon I got today. Don’t know if it works outside the Springfield area, but you should try it out and let me know what happens. Also, I swear to god i’m buying 200 sandwiches, and if they can’t produce them all i’m going to court.