Ok, I’m kind of phoning into today’s entry. It’s funny cat videos. But since you’ve already seen the other awful things I’ve trained my cat to do, or made them watch me do, here’s the requisite origin story.

My wife’s Valentine gift to me was that she was secretly training our cat to ring a bell. I don’t think I can ever top this. Here’s how that went down. Or, rather, here’s how it all came up. On my kitchen floor.

So all this Cricket attention has made Champion, our first born cat, jealous. He’s acting out. He can’t ring a bell. He can’t do shit. And he’s trying way too hard to earn our love back.

“Hey guys, I’m an elephant! You seein’ this?”

“Hey guys, LOOK! I’m a rooster! The Cock of the Walk!”

“Hey! HEY! Over here! I’m Young David Bowie!”

“SEE? SEE!?? YOU CAN PILE SHIT ON ME TOO! LIKE THIS!

PLEASE GOD ANYTHING JUST PAY ATTENTION TO ME AGAIN.”

Sigh. It’s just so sad to watch all this play out. So who wants a free, non-bell ringing cat? We’re getting rid of him.

Kidding! Kidding. But seriously. He better be shooting bottle rockets out of his ass in a year’s time or it’s back to the streets.

I’m 29 today. God. What a terrible number. What a terrible, un-round number. 30 I’d be fine with. Good round number, 30. Here’s some videos to reflect how I feel today. Some old, some new…whatever makes me laugh today to get me through this Clogging Dance Competition in North Carolina. Best present so far? A hacker kid at the even showed me how to tether my Droid to my laptop, leeching internet from my phone and…well, it’s all real technical and involves “proxies” and “climbing telephone poles” and what have you. So here’s some videos of birthday shit, and also two men pouring beer over each other.

How to Wish me a proper birthday:

How to Terrify your Child with “Bimbo the Birthday Clown”:

How to Take Advantage of your Local News’ Stations Inane, Chuckle-Headed Birthday Announcements

How to Wish me a Fucked Up German Birthday:

How to Really Celebrate a Birthday, The Chris Ward Way:

How to Create an effective and pleasing birthday:

Creating a MORE Effective Birthday for Your Corporate, Animatroic Loving Clients:

Creating a More Effective Dick-Head, Failed Talk Show Birthday:

And, finally, How to Force David Bowie Into an Awkward Birthday Greeting on Your Foreign TV Spot:

Yep, you’re not alone….this is pretty much how I remember it to.

If I were any more excited about Halloween, I’d be pissing candy corn. I’ve been hitting the Halloween stores pretty hard just to breathe it all in, and here’s a random sample of great crap I’ve found so far. More in the days to come….

The birthday party section of The Party Tree (our local Halloween/bachelor party/Cinco De Mayo superstore) is pretty neglected this time of year. Here’s the reason why.

Shown: He’s just letting this happen.

My favorite sign since the “Do not defecate in the restroom” sticker where I used to work.

“Excuse me, sir, did you find that Halloween fright wig right here at Best Buy?”

“It’s not a wig.”

“HOLY SHIT!! GARRGFARGBLEAHRCHHDASFH!$$!@$@$%!!!!”

Polyester Boning is:

A.) A flexible material good for girl’s Halloween costumes

B.) $0.99 a yard

C.) What Miss Piggy hopes for on her Wedding Nite. HI-YOOOO! ZING!