I’m only going to say this once, and it’s very, VERY important that you understand completely: because what I’m about to tell you is the most important advice you’re ever going to get concerning the video game system in front of you. Even if you think you know ever code in the book. Under no circumstances—no matter how your NES looks at you, no matter how much it cries, no matter how much it begs—the most IMPORTANT rule. The rule you can NEVER, EVER forget is…well, I’ll just let Olympic Videogame master  Donn Nauert tell you:

Nintendo Tip: do this with your mouth, and often, for free continues.

This “Mountain Fury” clip comes courtesy of my pal Junkstore Jesse, who mailed me this VHS with the tagline “If you go into the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise!” I had no idea this is what they meant. Never before have two actors said so much without saying a single word. I think you’ll agree.

That’s funny, because I had the exact same reaction when I saw a scene like that, in a movie that promises THIS on the cover. I want my 50 cents back! In retrospect, maybe the title’s use of the “Seventies Tee-Shirt Font” (where the “Dokken Font” should clearly have been engaged) should have raised more than one red flag. And why are those tiny men rappelling into that woman’s hair? Don’t be a hero, soldier!!!!! You’ll never make it!!!