If you’ve seen this brand new Kanye Video, you know it’s the best Monday Wake Up Call since Maxwell House invented caffeine. It’s awesome!!!! I never thought when I read 300—Frank Miller’s terribly boring graphic novel that got made into a fun movie—that someone would ape it and create a cultural powerhouse of a moment. Yeah, that last sentence was pretty annoying, just deal with it…I’m tired. Powerhouse will have to do. Cultural Powerhouse. Whatever. It works. Sure.

People can talk shit about Kanye West all they want: he’s the trendsetter. The waymaker. The recess organizer. The most popular kid. And I LOVE HIM. TEAM KANYE. Taylor Swift: your music is blah blah blah blah. Thank God Mr. West interrupted you, or we might not have anything to talk about still except your boring, pedestrian pop-country slush. Kanye West is pretty much the only pop-rapper worth listening to right now, until Luda puts something new out. I hope Kanye puts out an album so good, that Lady Gaga’s farkle-ass face implodes. BTW: For the record, Lady Gaga sucks. If you like her, though, I apologize—it must be hard to defend such shitty music all day, every day. Ok, polarizing rant over. Sorry. I really don’t care that much, honestly. I just like to shake the Ant Farm.

So here’s my version. Enjoy, and I hope your Monday Sucks! Blargh!

I’m only going to say this once, and it’s very, VERY important that you understand completely: because what I’m about to tell you is the most important advice you’re ever going to get concerning the video game system in front of you. Even if you think you know ever code in the book. Under no circumstances—no matter how your NES looks at you, no matter how much it cries, no matter how much it begs—the most IMPORTANT rule. The rule you can NEVER, EVER forget is…well, I’ll just let Olympic Videogame master  Donn Nauert tell you:

Nintendo Tip: do this with your mouth, and often, for free continues.

This “Mountain Fury” clip comes courtesy of my pal Junkstore Jesse, who mailed me this VHS with the tagline “If you go into the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise!” I had no idea this is what they meant. Never before have two actors said so much without saying a single word. I think you’ll agree.

That’s funny, because I had the exact same reaction when I saw a scene like that, in a movie that promises THIS on the cover. I want my 50 cents back! In retrospect, maybe the title’s use of the “Seventies Tee-Shirt Font” (where the “Dokken Font” should clearly have been engaged) should have raised more than one red flag. And why are those tiny men rappelling into that woman’s hair? Don’t be a hero, soldier!!!!! You’ll never make it!!!