Well, here it is…the 2009 costume. My wife has been going around telling people I’m going as “Mario riding Luigi,” so I’ve got some damage control to do (to be fair, they’re both green. And that’s also a better costume idea).

Sorry for my video editing skills, I have neither the means nor the interest to improve upon them this cold evening. Now go out there and get some motherflipping candy bars inside your mouth.

There are lots of embarrassing pictures of me all over the internet. It just kind of happened….It just kind of happened as soon as I scanned them in, and put them everywhere online. My brother is the exact opposite of me in many respects: he’s well-respected for things like “business” and “trying to be a good person.” I have failed—FAILED, I say—on both counts. So since it’s my brother’s birthday today, I’ll bring him down to my level: here’s there embarrassing pictures of him. Actually, two are kind of awesome. Ok, and they’re not that embarrassing. I couldn’t do that to the guy. I might need a character witness in court someday. Can’t burn that bridge. Happy birthday, man.

Sig Heil Splinter! Wasserchildkroten aufgeZOGEN und SLAUGHTERED in DER TECHNODROME!

One of the best cakes of all time. Look at that thing. Mom had a Super Mario cake mold and I really wish we still had it. This is before it was cool to make “geek cakes.” The only thing is, my mom used to put all these cakes on top of that cardboard-covered-in-foil thing, and I would cut a piece and bite down hard on foil EVERY TIME. I believe this cake is the first time that happened. To this day, I look at the bottom of my cake pieces before I eat them (not kidding).

My aunt had these nightgowns that we insisted on wearing at sleepovers because they had cartoons on them. I found out years later that A). Boys should not wear Snoopy and Smurfette nightgowns and B.) My aunt isn’t a fan of little boys. She likes little nieces and was never big on little nephews. So she was more than happy to let us saunter around in these (This is EXACTLY the backstory to Sleepaway Camp, by the way). By the time I had figured this out, the damage was done: I was a full-blown transsexual with a Brainy Smurf fetish. My brother developed a phobia of sitting on top of giant strawberries. Thanks alot!

Now that he’s thoroughly shamed, please visit my brother’s website at least, and get yourself a big mouthful of Foil Super Mario cake: www.bluefuego.com