Note: This is a long entry. Just man up and take the ride. There’s a contest at the very end to win a book called “What’s My Pee Telling Me?” from Chronicle Books and South Park Season 13 on Blu-Ray from Comedy Central.
First things first: My headline is probably misleading, because there are two definitions of “tryst.”
1. An agreement, as between lovers, to meet at a certain time and place.
2. A meeting or meeting place that has been agreed on.
Clearly, I would never intend to meet Gareb Shamus as a lover (though I totally might, have you seen him lately? We’ll get to that) But definition “#2″ deals with our agreed meeting place. Which, in this case, would be something called FaceBook.
Shown: (Left to right) Photoshop fantasy of Gareb Shamus of Wizard Entertainment, Uwe Boll, and Me. Getting ready to be unstoppable street toughs.
For those who don’t know, I used to work for Wizard Entertainment. It’s where I got my start, and I met a lot of good people there. A few of whom are still there, who I haven’t talked to in a while. But most everyone else, including the guy who helped start the magazine in a big way, got fired. Even the entire message board community got fired. And I kinda, sorta got myself banned later on for some jokes I made about the company. An ex-company head told me off the record that if “the company would spend more time actually running things instead of focusing on petty shit, maybe they wouldn’t be totally fucked right now.” I’m paraphrasing a bit, but the phrases “petty shit” and “totally fucked” are actual quotes. Pretty much everyone landed on their feet at bigger, better jobs.
Pretty much.
Actually, to be totally honest, I’ve secretly always thought of Gareb as more than just friends and co-workers lowly employee writer and company CEO. My wife and I have a “Gareb” clause in our marriage, wherein, should I get the opportunity, I can have passionate relations with my ex-Boss/Owner of the entire Wizard Universe. As to not be one-sided, she has a “Rita Rudner Clause” on her end (What a body and what a talent, even after all these years!)
I guess I got a little nervous because I became re-acquainted with Gareb Shamus at practically the same time as Tom Welling AND Rich Johnston of Bleeding and Dying in Gutters, (this is a popular UK comic-book gossip page–like, “who is Batman dating?” stuff–for all the non-comic book fans who are reading this). So, I wished Gareb a Happy Easter. I know, I know…he’s Jewish. I realize that NOW. And I’m not sure what they celebrate in the UK. All I know is that they eat “Eggy In A Basket, Chip Chip Cheerio” and all that happy horseshit. I’m an American, I don’t need to know about that.
So, overall, I choked on this one, alright? Opening comment jitters. After all, Gareb wanted to be my friend. He asked me. In spite of everything mean I said about him, too. Well that was all in the past now as far as I was concerned. I mean, Frank Miller ripped up a copy of Wizard Magazine onstage, and Miller has been a Guest of Honor at Wizard World since then. All I ever did was make jokes and help sell his magazine.
Straight up business question. Letting him know he can just get in touch with me whenev’. I think she’s getting a Bill Finger award this go ’round, don’t want to miss it.
Letting Brent Spiner know where to reach me….
SO THEN I get pretty excited because I see this video on Gareb’s Page, and it prompts several questions from me about In Dance We Trust coming to Wizard World, all which are almost answered in the video (watch about 20 seconds of it, if you’re able to). Just priming the pump, getting people excited about the comic book convention where the In Dance We Trust girls will be appearing.
Pretty straightforward questions, I think you’ll agree. Important ones, too. I don’t want to toot my own hose but I’m a reporter, you know.
But then something goes horribly wrong between Gareb and I. CLICK THROUGH to find out how Gareb responds to my sexual advances which I just couldn’t contain anymore.
[note: As Chris grew up in and lives in Illinois, much was kept from him about Hanukkah. And by "much," we mean "everything." Though he now has many Jewish friends, they never stopped to explain anything to him, even when he thought Baklava was a traditional Hebrew dessert.We now present you with his entire 6th Grade report on Hanukkah.]
Today marks the beginning of a 33 day tea ceremony the Japanese call “Hanukkah.” The Japanese are let out of school at 1AM, a full two hours early, and don traditional “giant banana hats” for the night’s activities.
Shown: The Jew in his Banana Hat.
This is the extent of human knowledge about this mysterious holiday and its people, though footage is rumored to exist (below). Some even say Jews live among us today. Thank You.
For the curious, I received an A on that report. Everyone else in class being from Illinois, they took me at my word. Looking back, it seems silly to think of a time when Christmas dominated the Midwest, before our Jewish friends invaded every Wal-Mart and Dollar General with their crassly commercialized “hot toys of the year.” Happy Hanukkah, Midwestern Illinois!
Shown: Impossible to find toy of the year 2009 and Toys R’ Us 4AM crowd who will soon be turned away.
