I know I posted one of these already, but here’s—what appears to be—Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs doing a Halloween Costume review. But is actually Jim Silver doing toy reviews. I wish I could explain to you why these make me laugh. Maybe it’s all the snow, and being stuck inside. Maybe it’s a man in a giant Big Bird costume. Who’s to say.

Featured: BIIIPPPITY  BOPPPPITY BOOOOOOO….

Hey, how’s it going there, ace? Why don’t you go ahead and come in, and close the door behind you. Just have a seat. Go ahead and park that sweet little ass of yours right here next to me. Have you been eating less? Because I don’t mind saying you look REALLY reasonable today in that outfit.

Now, Cindy is telling me you’ve been coming to this website for a while, and you’ve yet to watch our Mandatory Corporate Compliance Video. I’m going to go ahead and insist that you do that now. It’s a short video, and then you can get back to your lunch. Though I would recommend not finishing your lunch, if you want to continue to look the way you do now and, as a result, continue working here. How’s that sound, kiddo? Great, Great…

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Shown: A tiny man and his big dreams.

Left to right: Recently deceased Golden Girls Rue McClanahan, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and Slipknot bassist Masky McGee, who committed suicide.

It’s been a rough week on us all as my Celebrity Wristwatch Curse continues. First, I got this Michael Jackson watch as a gift, and now my wife’s Golden Girl watch has claimed its next victim. It’s just like the Monkey’s Paw, but for $20 plastic wristwatches. So that’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve bought ever single Rod Blagojevich watch and I plan on wearing them up both arms as long as it takes.

Remember, the Golden Girls airs at 6 and 6:30 on WE Network, 11 and 11:30 EST on Hallmark, and 11 and 11:30 on WE again. Also, I’ll see you on the Hallmark Channel forums (yes, they have a thriving message board community! Thank you for asking!)

In memorial, one last time with passion….let’s return to a magical place, sugah. Rue has already been to Cat Mountain, so heaven holds no surprises for her.

I’ve finally figured out my perfect movie formula: What could possibly be more exciting than…

A.) the sudden critical acclaim and respect of a forgotten actor whose face looks like a Jim Henson Creature Shop wet dream (see: MICKEY ROURKE, SID HAIG).

B.) The successful, thoughtful resurrection of a once dead and buried property (see: BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, ROCKY BALBOA.)

Combine them, and you’ve got a case of the fanboy warm-and-fuzzies that is equal parts cheery Gizmo in a Barbie convertible and Jagermeister after a chest cold. Actually, that’s the same formula that could lead to a fiery pink wreck of blood and hair all over the interstate. Well, I’m taking my chances. Here are the mash-ups I want to see.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY in THE ICE CREAM MAN. We all know JEH is the rich man’s Clint Howard, and he’s proven he’s more than just a pretty face in WATCHMEN (advertised as “Watchman” on his official site, which may not be official). Take his testicle-clipping performance in Little Children, add those nuts to a warm waffle cone, and BAM…origin story! This property’s gotta be cheaper than a new Nightmare on Elm Street film, and a helluva lot more fun. The Ice Cream Man’s puns make Freddy Krueger look like the greatest stand-up comic in horror.

ERNEST BORGNINE in GHOULIES! Ernest Borgnine’s career is already in the toilet (apologies to fans of Lifetime’s “A Grandpa For Christmas”), so why not let this beloved actor resurrect a movie about ass-biting sewer puppets? Ok, show of hands if you loved Ernie in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and his Best Actor Oscar-Winning MARTY—a movie which you’ve never seen but act like you have around film buff friends? [everyone raises hand] Ok, now show of hands if the VHS cover for Ghoulies delayed your potty training by three years as a kid? [everyone born before after 1980 raises hand]. So let’s combine the two and pinch out some movie magic.

JEFFREY JONES in FRIGHT NIGHT! This on-again, off-again remake has been in the works for some time, but it would have already been out and made a Gazillion US Dollars if they’d only hired the terrifying Jeffrey Jones as the lead vampire! Jeffrey Jones already built a career on making people feel weird and uncomfortable in FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF and HOWARD THE DUCK, and he took it to “video of ALF’s dad snorting crack off a male hooker” levels by becoming a registered sex offender. Well if Roman Polanski’s taught us anything, it’s that Hollywood is willing to overlook dalliances and foibles with unwilling 14-year-olds. People love a good Jeffrey Jones role, vampires are hawt right now, and underdogs NOW Comics would probably like to re-launch their 80s Fright Night series, so it’s a win-win-win!

Let’s show all show some critical compassion to Jones and some, oh…what’s the word. He yelled it at his secretary in Ferris Bueller? Oh yeah: “GRRAAACCCCE!!!!”

ANDY SERKIS in MAC AND ME! The Onion AV club unfairly dumped on this movie recently, using words like “shameless and wrong,” “hideous” and “horrifically scarred fetus.” Well, if a movie about a “O-faced” creature who survives on Coke and McDonalds product-placement is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. I loved this terrible, terrible, exploitative film as a kid. And that’s why Andy Serkis should slap on that Ping Pong Ball Suit of his and exchange his psychotic pursuit of the One Ring for a Big Mac Attack (wouldn’t it have been perfect if I’d have said “trade the One Ring for an Onion Ring there?” Well kiss my ass. McDonald’s doesn’t serve ‘em and I have a Journalism degree to uphold, thanks for asking.)

[True Story Digression: At the end of Mac and Me, and big title card promises "WE'LL BE BACK!"  So, every year for 3 or 4 years, I would ask my mom when that Mac & Me sequel was coming, and she'd make up something about a filming delay. After it finally sank in that there was no sequel, I was crushed and jilted by Hollywood from that day forward. You don't promise little kids sequels and never deliver. A movie you love as a child is like a little universe that actually exists in your brain, and when there are no more movies it's like you've blown up Krypton in that kid's mind. You know that sinking feeling you get when you turn on Animal Crossing for the first time in 3 years, and your cute, once-loved village has been overrun by cockroaches and the stench of death? THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING ON TO THE MAC & ME UNIVERSE IN MY MIND EACH YEAR HOLLYWOOD DIDN'T GIVE ME A GOD DAMNED SEQUEL.

I still have a Mac and Me sized hole that has never been filled. And it's exactly as disgusting looking as that sounds.]

I wish I had time to go over all the stuff I’m thankful for, but there’s pie to get to. And I believe the E! Network will have something like a “Skanksgiving Marathon” on that I can’t miss. I’ll just let Fred Holbert here from “Scream Bloody Murder” explain what happens when you’re NOT appreciative for life’s little blessings. You see, he goes out of his way to be appreciated, and buy “art stuff” and clothes, but is this woman thankful? Well, I won’t spoil the ending.

I always thought this clip would make a great Mystery Science Theater 3000 “stinger.” Hey, remember the Turkey Day MST3K marathons on Comedy Central? My dad and I would always watch that. And now we’re Thanksgiving Day full circle. Also, as is custom in my house and my friends for 5+ years now, DO NOT neglect to check out my favorite Thanksgiving article of all time from X-Entertainment.com. I go to this page at least once this time a year. It’s the Peanuts special of website posts. You will not be disappointed.

Shown: Distinguished actor Robert Vaughn about to experience the worst Macy’s Parade of his life. (from X-Entertainment.com)

From left to right: Ethan Van Sciver, Sharis Van Sciver, Chris Ward, Jack Kirby’s ghost.

My greatest memory of working at Wizard Magazine was writing a large feature piece on world famous comic book artist, Ethan Van Sciver (who also happens to be one of the best “humorists” of my day, and I remain eternally jealous of his wit and talent). In 2005, he won Artist of the Year for his incredible work on Green Lantern: Rebirth. God, has it been almost 5 years? Anyway, we spent the day goofing around at Universal Studios, where I got my tape recorder wet on a Rocky & Bullwinkle flume ride and destroyed it, forcing us to table all interviews and serious business activity until later in the day. What terrible luck.

I won’t go into how we almost got kicked out of the park that morning, but I will do the next best thing: I will reveal, for the first time ever, two really, really funny Ethan Van Sciver stories that simply wouldn’t fit in an Artist of the Year feature.

I found it while digging through some old material, and laughed my ass off at these unbelievable comedy/tragedies, painstakingly transcribed by an unknown, unpaid Wizard intern (thanks, by the way, whoever you were. I hate transcribing interviews).

(TAPE STARTS)

CW: Now, did you ever tell me about any cool pranks that you did [before my tape recorder got wet]?

EVS: Oh, did you get those on tape?

CW: I don’t even know. You mentioned a goat in you kitchen or something…I don’t know if that was a prank.

EVS: That wasn’t a prank, that was god preying on us…

Click through for the craziest story you’ll read this half-hour!

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A magical thing hit the internet yesterday. And it finally allows me to tell an amazing story that I’ve been waiting to tell for years. If you’re not “in the comic industry,” (and, lord knows, I barely am at this point) you may want to skip to the hilarious audio bits at the Jump.

Because, at its heart, this post is about a shitty band. The world’s shittiest band. The band that drove Scott Kurtz to the place of madness he is now. The band Court Jester.

But why not hear the whole amazing tale, hmm? Why not dip your toes into the daily cry-baby shenanigans that make up The Comics Industry, won’t you?

CLICK THROUGH TO EXPERIENCE SCOTT KURTZ’S WILDEST NIGHTMARE!
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One of my favorite Halloween traditions is an annual email I get from a friend and college professor, Mr. John “I’ve Seen Everything” Dodd: A staggering review of 45 horror movies over 31 days. 90% of them you’ve never heard of, and 95% of them no person on Earth should take the time to watch.

While working at Wizard Magazine (I know, here we go again…), I had the opportunity to interview Hostel’s Eli Roth, Rob Zombie, 30 Days of Night’s Steve Niles and Tom Jane many times. Each time, those guys never failed to act cocky about their horror knowledge. I always just laughed to myself, because when it comes to horror, my boy Dodd could take those guys to school.

This list (and this is only one year!) is such an extensive undertaking, you just gotta give him props for enduring (in most cases) such trash for 31 days straight.

Dodd’s an amazing guy, and he’s pretty much the teacher that really got me wanting to be a full-time writer. It’s easy to see why.

This was apparently his last year for this, and I’m hoping he will somehow break both his legs so that all he has time for is sitting in a chair, watching, typing and amusing me once more with 31 horror reviews a year. Write, horror monkey! WRITE!

Everyone,

Here it is year five for the annual 31 days of horror. Once
again I am wearied and saying this might be my last October,
that I will retire and do whatever other people do in
October. Sure, I had to take Saturdays off, not because I’m
Jewish, but because my work schedule requires me to work
all day on Saturdays.  Oh well.  Let’s begin.

October 1 – Off to an anemic start
** HOUSE OF TERROR

If there was truth in titles this one would be called House of Very
Mild Suspense. The dusty thriller has a nurse hired to look
after the wife of “one of the richest men in California.” Nurse
has a crooked boyfriend, boyfriend kills rich wife and stages it
as a suicide, nurse marries rich dude, boyfriend plots an
accident, nurse falls for rich dude, everyone dies at the end
(when if finally comes). Just a little too racy for TV in 1973
but not explicit enough to stretch the PG rating.

October 2 – Not any better
*1/2 THE RED HEADED CORPSE

Once again, we have a mystery masquerading as
a horror film. In this Italian film, Farley Granger brings home
a sex doll and imagines it coming to life in the image of a former
love. A long flashback shows the viewer how he became delusional.
Watchable but unmemorable, The Red Headed Corpse will be forgotten
two days after watching.

October 3 – We have blood (well, a little anyway)
**1/2 WELCOME TO ARROW BEACH

A Young Meg Foster plays a hitchhiker wandering through
the private beach of eccentric Jason Henry (played by Laurence Harvey
who also directed). Henry invites the girl to stay at his house
but has a secret. Since a pre-credit scrawl informs the viewer
that human flesh has been known to become addictive, one can
guess what Henry’s secret is. One imaginative murder (with
still photo shots) and the a good cast help out. John Ireland
and Stuart Whitman play (what else?) cops. Unfortunately, Laurence
Harvey’s daughter Domino does not show up to kill anyone.

THERE’S 30 DAYS TO GO! CLICK ON THROUGH…UNLESS YOU’RE….CHICKEN.

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