Here is episode 1 in the dramatic new office-based web-series featuring my Pet Cat, Champ, as “Leonard, the Office CEO.” Enjoy.

Shown: Star of “Cat CEO: A Dramatic New Web-Series About a Cat Serving As a CEO of a Major Company.”

Ok, I’m kind of phoning into today’s entry. It’s funny cat videos. But since you’ve already seen the other awful things I’ve trained my cat to do, or made them watch me do, here’s the requisite origin story.

My wife’s Valentine gift to me was that she was secretly training our cat to ring a bell. I don’t think I can ever top this. Here’s how that went down. Or, rather, here’s how it all came up. On my kitchen floor.

So all this Cricket attention has made Champion, our first born cat, jealous. He’s acting out. He can’t ring a bell. He can’t do shit. And he’s trying way too hard to earn our love back.

“Hey guys, I’m an elephant! You seein’ this?”

“Hey guys, LOOK! I’m a rooster! The Cock of the Walk!”

“Hey! HEY! Over here! I’m Young David Bowie!”

“SEE? SEE!?? YOU CAN PILE SHIT ON ME TOO! LIKE THIS!

PLEASE GOD ANYTHING JUST PAY ATTENTION TO ME AGAIN.”

Sigh. It’s just so sad to watch all this play out. So who wants a free, non-bell ringing cat? We’re getting rid of him.

Kidding! Kidding. But seriously. He better be shooting bottle rockets out of his ass in a year’s time or it’s back to the streets.

And you thought THIS was a bad name for a book. My good friend Gary took it upon himself to send me the book version of a broken bottle rammed in my eyeballs: “Games You Can Play With Your Pussy.” I’ll scan more from this in the days to come, because I don’t think mankind is ready for this yet. In fact, it’s actually better if you don’t know what this book has in it. Here’s two pictures of what’s inside though, and for now, that’s all you’re gonna want to see. Trust me.:

Shown: Nazi Pussy. Also the name of Quentin Tarantino’s next movie.

Shown: I’d rather hear Clint Eastwood sing than ever see this picture again.