Every night I spend alone in my wood-paneled basement leads me to the same conclusion: I wish I could play a VCR Mystery Game with self-decapitating robots. Apparently, the purpose of this game is to save the Earth from robots, which kind of goes against Issac Assimov’s Three Laws of Robotics. But a game where you’re just ordering robots around wouldn’t be too fun, I guess. So instead, the game involves a robot ripping it’s own head off and coldly relaying that “you’ve made a mistake” before it, I assume, uses your intestines as a leash for its Robot Dog. Good, clean, terrifying fun for all. “Wanna come over? I’ve got this game where Robot Paul Reiser tears off its own head to prove a point. It’s for up to 4 players? No? Ok, maybe some other time! Just text me if you change your mind! I have no friends LOL.”

Let’s watch the commercial, as I imagine it in my mind. Thanks to Gary Hodges for passing this tape along!

“Within 5 minutes, you’ll be on one of 256 possible courses to save the galaxy.” It’s like the Butterfly Effect, if the fabric of time were limited to 80 minutes of SLP video!

If I were any more excited about Halloween, I’d be pissing candy corn. I’ve been hitting the Halloween stores pretty hard just to breathe it all in, and here’s a random sample of great crap I’ve found so far. More in the days to come….

The birthday party section of The Party Tree (our local Halloween/bachelor party/Cinco De Mayo superstore) is pretty neglected this time of year. Here’s the reason why.

Shown: He’s just letting this happen.

My favorite sign since the “Do not defecate in the restroom” sticker where I used to work.

“Excuse me, sir, did you find that Halloween fright wig right here at Best Buy?”

“It’s not a wig.”

“HOLY SHIT!! GARRGFARGBLEAHRCHHDASFH!$$!@$@$%!!!!”

Polyester Boning is:

A.) A flexible material good for girl’s Halloween costumes

B.) $0.99 a yard

C.) What Miss Piggy hopes for on her Wedding Nite. HI-YOOOO! ZING!