[note: As Chris grew up in and lives in Illinois, much was kept from him about Hanukkah. And by "much," we mean "everything." Though he now has many Jewish friends, they never stopped to explain anything to him, even when he thought Baklava was a traditional Hebrew dessert. We now present you with his entire 6th Grade report on Hanukkah.]

Today marks the beginning of a 33 day tea ceremony the Japanese call “Hanukkah.”  The Japanese are let out of school at 1AM, a full two hours early, and don traditional “giant banana hats” for the night’s activities.

Shown: The Jew in his Banana Hat.

This is the extent of human knowledge about this mysterious holiday and its people, though footage is rumored to exist (below). Some even say Jews live among us today. Thank You.

For the curious, I received an A on that report. Everyone else in class being from Illinois, they took me at my word. Looking back, it seems silly to think of a time when Christmas dominated the Midwest, before our Jewish friends invaded every Wal-Mart and Dollar General with their crassly commercialized “hot toys of the year.” Happy Hanukkah, Midwestern Illinois!

Shown: Impossible to find toy of the year 2009 and Toys R’ Us 4AM crowd who will soon be turned away.