Christmas is coming quick, and there’s only one hot toy on every kid’s list this year: Finger Pupies!!!

“Cuddly Pets you Wear on Yours Fingers!” I’ll take two, please. And does the big Choking Hazard sticker on the side come standard? Then I’ll take all you’ve got.

I found Finger Pupies in High School not at a Dollar Tree, not at Dane’s Discount, but at Wal-Mart in a big end cap display. And I’ve gotta say, I’m pretty shocked this came from Imperial Toys: they’re the Microsoft of bargain bin toys. They license low-end Spongebob and Marvel stuff, for crying out loud. I would expect this kind of behavior from the company that makes The C.O.R.P.s GI Joe ripoff figures, but c’mon….

And check it out, bargain bin toy company Imperial is the only bargain bin toy company in the world with a (SPOILER ALERT) website! And on that website, a fun “poll zone” question!

What year was Imperial Toy founded? A.) 2008 B.)1986 C.)1969

The correct answer is D.) who gives a shit. This is the crappiest “poll” I’ve ever taken, even topping Facebook’s “Which Lil’ Wayne lyric are you?” poll. The worst part about this “poll?” THEY DON’T TELL YOU THE  ANSWER.

Listen assholes, “What Year Was Our Company Founded” is not the kind of thing that’s up for popular debate. Just because 58% of idiots are so bored out of their mind from fingerbanging their Pupies that they take a poll like this, doesn’t make it true or interesting. Is Imperial Toys so shitty, that no one remembers when their own founder woke up one day and said, “Hey! Let’s mass market a finger fucking dog toy!”??

Maybe this poll has a more sinister purpose. Maybe Imperial Toys has secretly designed a time machine so they can take the most popular year to be founded, go back, start their company at that most lucrative of dates, and become retroactively more popular than Hasbro or Mattel. But since they can’t even spell “puppies” right, I think the Flux Capacitor is a few years off.

I’ve got a better poll for Imperial Toys:

How would you not like to die? A.) Choking on Finger Poopies B.) Wearing digit-fornicating pets on yours fingers C.) All of the above.

Ok, so they spell “Puppies” right on the back of the card. I would have just spelled it “Pupies” again to save face, and make it look like I was launching an X-Treme new spelling of “Puppies.”

It doesn’t change the fact that if you sit on a public bus and read aloud “FINGER PUPPIES! FINGER PETS! FINGER PONIES! FINGER ELVIS! FINGER FRITZI AND TABITHA!” you will immediately be tackled by the other passengers, detained until the cops arrive, and forced to go door to door every time you move to a new neighborhood to explain yourself.