I’ve discovered some sort of time rift that allows me to travel, unharmed, through un-energized ghosts in Pac-Man Championship Edition. IT’S LIKE TOUCHING THE FINGER OF GOD. When it happened I jumped…I couldn’t believe I saw it. And then I died almost immediately. I kind of feel like I’ve seen the Matrix for the first time. I must have watched this 100 times…I can’t figure it out either.

Shown: If the first thing you notice is this 25th Anniversary Pac-Man/Galaga cabinet, welcome to my world.

As you’re no doubt aware, today is Pac-Man’s birthday. I’m more than a little overwhelmed. With my wedding anniversary tomorrow (I swear I didn’t plan it that way), I’m never sure where my loyalties should lie this time of year. You know around Christmas, when they interview that crazy woman who fills her trailer with a shit ton of Santa Claus stuff? Except she’s had it up all year, and she says something like “Everyday is Christmas at 432 Orchard Alley Lane!” and you feel sick and sad for her? Well, that’s me. But for Pac-Man. My house is a little like wandering into Leatherface’s house, except instead of chicken bones hanging from the ceiling, it’s just Pac-Man stuff. Pac-Man is such a part of the backdrop in my house, that I forget how much I’ve actually accumulated from friends, family, eBay, flea markets and fans. Once you’re a known collector of something, it makes it easy for everyone to buy for you on holidays, which is nice. I’ve already covered some of my most coveted possessions in this NOT SAFE FOR WORK post from Joystick Division, but I took a stroll around my house and just took pictures of stuff I could actually see in front of me. Something I promised to do months ago. If I actually start digging, there’s hundreds more items strewn about…this is only scratching the surface.

So why Pac-Man?

Pac-Man is pure. Pac-Man is Pizza Hut breadsticks and a borrowed quarter from mom. Pac-Man is universal. Pac-Man is challenging and addictive 30 years later. Pac-Man is a warm yellow memory. Ok, scratch that last one. That didn’t sound right.

It’s the ghosts and blood, dust and mud, and the roar of an arcade crowd.

I made this Pac-Man beer cooler for my Pac-Man themed going away party in New York. I used my crappy cell phone video camera to capture this little magic event.

INSERT COIN AND CLICK THROUGH FOR MORE PAC-MAN CRAP THAN YOU CAN HANDLE

Shown: a rare Ms. Pac-Man addition to my collection, stolen from a Indianapolis Head Shop wall. Check out the ticket price, $12! This was before Feed The Animals changed the world.

(more…)

When the producer of Snakes on a Plane asks if you’re a god, you say YES.

It’s with the greatest of pants-tightening enthusiasm I can officially announce that, in addition to this site, I’ll be a regular poster at GEEK WEEK, which officially launched yesterday! I know, I know…you’re used to seeing me write for Fan Belt Quarterly and Fish Hook Enthusiast Digest, so it’s kind of a stretch for me.

I was approached several years ago by Mr. Jeff Katz—producer of Snakes On A Plane, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Shoot ‘Em Up—about a web venture he was working on, and after years of hard work, research and sweat that I had absolutely no part in, the Six Apart team (they designed the Huffington Post) have finally launched this beast. I’d like to think I have a pretty good bullshit detector (working for Wizard Magazine will help you fine tune that sixth sense), and Katz seems to be a guy who’s been on the level with me and knows how to spit game, knows what he wants and how to get it—as anyone who saw his San Diego ComicCon panel can attest.

I’m thrilled to be on board. I like this guy, I like his big ideas, I like his fire and vinegar, I like how he treats creators, and I like that he’s from the Midwest. He’s that perfect storm of Actual Geek and Daft Businessman that could pull this off. And he’s got a little bit of The Joker running through his veins, which is the kind of personality I tend to roll with. And, most of all, I like that my good friend/superb writer Gary Hodges is involved, as well as the only editor I’ve ever worked with who has his face printed on a goddamned thong.

Here’s a great article about Katz in Variety, as one of the 10 Producers to Watch.Personally, I thought Wolverine was a great movie right up until Wolverine stays in that barn, and the farmer forbids him from sticking his penis in any of the three holes. That’s not in the comic book (well, maybe one of Chris Claremont’s later titles).

And, say, here he is on Attack of the Show talking about his new comics brand:

Ok, so up until now it seems like I’m kissing a lot of ass. And while I’m not above that, I am sincere about what I’ve said thus far. So let’s play the Devil’s Advocate: there are tons of “Geek-Centric” websites out there. Maybe too many. Hell, MC Chris said it (I think)…geeks are kind of like the new jocks. And we’re constantly being marketed too, with words like niche-marketing and pre-awareness being bandied about, terms that raise everyone’s BS Terror Alert to “Reddish Orange.” And G4 is…well, G4 is what it is. True blue geeks still think of G4 as a corporate wolf in L33T speak clothing, with no real reason not to. We all know the score, dummies. Olivia Munn can only strut around in that White Queen get-up so many times: baby, I’m bored. My dick is not a rat, and you are not the pied piper. So what’s next?

In the words of Tom Atkins, “Thrill me.”

In the past year, I’ve seen that sites like Topless Robot , Panels on Pages and the Robot 6 blog (just to mention just a few) can be wonderful models to look up to. After years of working for publications that scream “THE 10 GEEK THINGS YOU GOTTA OWN!” and “BEST COMIC BOOK RACKS! WE TALKIN’ BOUT BOOBS!” (fool’s posturing, basically), these sites are down to earth, candid, transparent, respectful of their audience and—when they’re at their best—there’s some refreshing humility there.

And visitors of those sites know that smart writing and good company brings a smart, fun community along with it. While this post has been a hopeful, forward-looking rah-rah-rah for the industry so far, I’m not naive. I want to make some money doing this—doing what I love to do. It’s all I’m really qualified to do except drive women wild, and I’ve already kissed all the pretty girls.

So, I hope you’ll stop by and comment often, and let me know how I’m doing. A crowd draws a crowd, so please support me and I swear I’ll try to do better at leaving comments at my friend’s websites. I’ve been scattershot at that lately. We do this in a vacuum and any comments are good comments. That’s why I leave up all the hate comments—nothing gets me hawt like the occasional person yelling at me or telling me I suck. I feed off your energy, anonymous, ball-less flame poster. I love you. Let’s have a discussion. Thank you sir, may I have another.

Really: why so serious?

Oh yeah, and I’m occasionally going to use Geek Week posts here at this site. Hey, I’m not stupid. Why work harder? That said, I can now edit videos at my house instead of driving across town, so expect a lot more men in banana hammocks and Ghetto Jesus posts in the near future. Plus, I’m working on two secret projects you’re really, really going to enjoy…

Let’s have a good decade for a change. Happy New Year.

Did you know there exists a Science Fiction Museum? Well, I guess if you’re a hardcore fundamentalist Christian, every museum is kind of like a science fiction museum (but I kid WASPs! I kid! Sorry to kick you when you’re down with the passing of Oral “Snicker!” Roberts). The Bad News is, it’s in Switzerland. The good news, my best best buddy Joe….who you know from THIS VIDEO about Teenage Turtle Abortion…

…has been selected for THIS!:

A new music compilation CD, produced by Maison d’Ailleurs, is now accepting submissions. The CD will be produced in 5600 copies, distributed for free with the music magazine Vibrations in March 2010, to accompany a Music and Science Fiction exhibition at the museum.

About the exhibition:

Maison d’Ailleurs is staging an exhibition about Music and Science Fiction from March 6th to August 1st 2010, which will explore the way that Science Fiction has permeated music genres. Not only has Science Fiction been linked to technological innovation in musical instruments since the theremin, but thanks to its metaphorical potential, Science Fiction narratives and images have been widely used by musicians, from Sun Ra to Magma, Kraftwerk to Carl Craig, Louis and Bebe Barron to Hawkwind…

Sounds cool, right fellow geeks? Joe and I have been making music together—sweet, sweet music—since we were kids (there’s still an Angelfire page out there to prove it. More on that later), and lately he’s really grown leaps and bounds despite the fact that neither of us have any clue what we’re doing, and are just having fun. Well, that’s actually just what Joe would want me to say. He’s actually very talented. Add in the fact that he teaches “bad girls” for a living in Japan, and his super-talented wife makes stop motion Wookie films, and it’s possible I actually hate him.

Say, why not listen to his MySpace tunes? his albums are available for free download HERE.

And here’s another from his Super Battlestation Robot EP: “Prepare for a Mind War.” I did they original vocals for this song but they succccked hard. If you listen closely, you can hear me doing some of the screamy stuff in the background. But thank god he didn’t use my tracks.

I got to go to a three year old’s birthday party yesterday, which would normally be hell on earth but her dad, Eric, had the insight and wisdom to have the party at Hooters. A very good time was had by all. Between distractions, he mentioned something to me his buddy said: “The only way I would listen to Lady Gaga is if her name was Lady Galaga.” I thought this was the most brilliant thing I’d heard all week. Then I remembered seeing this in eighties issue of Electronic Monthly. Or maybe I dreamed it [click on image for full size]

I’m only going to say this once, and it’s very, VERY important that you understand completely: because what I’m about to tell you is the most important advice you’re ever going to get concerning the video game system in front of you. Even if you think you know ever code in the book. Under no circumstances—no matter how your NES looks at you, no matter how much it cries, no matter how much it begs—the most IMPORTANT rule. The rule you can NEVER, EVER forget is…well, I’ll just let Olympic Videogame master  Donn Nauert tell you:

Nintendo Tip: do this with your mouth, and often, for free continues.

In the coming weeks, days and years, I will begin archiving my Pac-Man collection on this website: listing each item I own and writing about it. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a while, in case someone tries to burn it all and collect the money (I suspect Pinky). Of the numbered items in this bedroom, I own #1 (two of them), #6, #7, #8, #9, #10 and #13. I have no idea where to get a Pac-Man nightgown, though I’ve been known to wear girl’s nightgowns.

Above: Scan from the amazing www.vintagecomputing.com.

Look at that crap. At one time, I could have owned all this for under $300, including a Pac-Man jumpsuit. Oh, hurry Christmas…Hurry FAST!

This is also a call to arms. The First Church of Pac-Man hasn’t been updated since 2004: I’m declaring my site the new church of Pac-Man, and I need your help coming up with a name for my church. This is a reformation. Getting back to the roots of fundamentalist Pac-Man.

Billy Mitchell, the Pac-Man Champion, is a world-class douche. Together, we’ll cast him out of the Pac-Man community.

Is you is, or is you ain’t my constit’ency?

Stay tuned for the first entry in the near future …

Shown: At confessional.

Seanbaby’s incredibly comprehensive review of the Secret Video Game Tips, Codes & Strategies VHS (and interview with star Donn “With Two N’s” Nauert!) is a thing of comedy beauty I won’t attempt to duplicate. Go read it again for the first time. But that post is years old now, and most of the videos don’t work. Probably because they pre-date YouTube.

And that’s a shame, because you’ve probably never gotten to see the clip of the world’s most Goddawful NES Secret Code of All Time. I don’t think Seanbaby mentions this one.

This video is for any of you kids bitching about load times or hard drive space or 16-digit Wii Friend Codes (ok, those still suck. You can bitch about that), just remember that when I was a kid, I had to learn about a 70-character level select code from a mouthbreathing hoser on a tracking-impaired VHS tape. And what did my trouble get me? A chance to cheat at Rambo, one of the worst 8-bit turds to come out of the lower intestine of Acclaim’s game developers.

Shown: The way a real man enters a level select code: double fist it. “Capallll E, small Gee, Cappall H, Zerohl, Zerohl, Zerohl…”

Shown: an excuse to show this graphic again.

Remember when I interviewed Rivers Cuomo last year and reported he’s not that big a fan of Guitar Hero? Here’s the excerpt:

WARD: On a scale of 1-10, how bad could I kick your ass at Weezer’s “My Name is Jonas” on Guitar Hero III?

RIVERS:
[laughs] Probably a 10, because I don’t know how to play it! I’ve never played it. I don’t get those games at all. I mean, I haven’t tried them. But they must be fun because people love them. But, to me, it seems like if you’re going to put that much effort into playing something, you should just play a real instrument. [laughs]

Predictably, the gaming community had plenty of strong opinions about that.

Well, if you’re wondering if Rivers Cuomo wants you to forget about that (he wants you to). This is as close to what Sarah Palin calls “Gotcha Journalism” as I’m gonna get here, folks.

So what made Rivers change his mind? The chance to spend a day in his boxers around Taylor Swift? No…no…that definitely couldn’t be it.

And not only that, but Rivers is “rocking out.” I mean, “his footage is amazing.” I don’t know about you, but I’m “losing my mind I’m so excited about it.” Well, according to Taylor Swift (who also appears alongside Renee Zellweger in “Squinty Blonde Hero” next fall).

Here’s a behind-the-scenes look at the commercial (but why?), with Rivers noticeably absent from the string of forced, on-message PR interviews. Pete Wentz, for instance, really goes out of his way to imagine what it’s “really” going to look like because it just seems “so insane.” Uh-huh. In his defense, if I was shooting this commercial I’d wake and bake in the Activision green room as well.

So, what’s the deal here? Why would Rivers get in his boxers and take Guitar playing directions from THIS douchebag all morning? Or appear in New York City for the game’s enormous launch party? Maybe it’s because Raditude  only sold 66,000 copies in its first week (if you still pay attention to the dinosaur of thought that is “CD Sales=success”)? Or maybe Rivers just chilled out and decided, “you know what? I get it. It’s just a game. It’s fun. Playing Guitar Hero and playing actual guitar are mutually exclusive, and can both be enjoyed, or not enjoyed, in equal measure.”

Or maybe the money was really, really good. Like, DAMN…maybe it was really good money. You didn’t really think that “Beverly Hills” song was tongue in cheek, did you?

Shown: “Do it like this! See? Just like this! Like a real guitar, but not! Ok…ACTION!”

Well, here it is…the 2009 costume. My wife has been going around telling people I’m going as “Mario riding Luigi,” so I’ve got some damage control to do (to be fair, they’re both green. And that’s also a better costume idea).

Sorry for my video editing skills, I have neither the means nor the interest to improve upon them this cold evening. Now go out there and get some motherflipping candy bars inside your mouth.