I’m no stranger to gospel music, techno mash-ups or inappropriatereligiousiconography…so perhaps that’s why this perfect storm of videos (brought to my attention by Bryan Sandlegs Morrelli) is something I will never, ever, ever stop enjoying. Just try not to Get The Ghost when you watch these. Like, every time I see them I want to go out of my mind. I want to fly a cross shaped jet at supersonic speed. I want to cut someone’s head off with communion wafer ninja stars. I want blood to spray out of a Virgin Mary statue’s eyes like a fire hose and knock everyone over in the first 3 rows. I want to LIVE, dammit! LIVE!!!!
I’ve been off the radar lately because of a boatload of things in my lap that, sadly, aren’t lap dances. But I would hate to deprive you the chance to have your Monday ruined by coming to my website. Ruining things is what I do. Hope your Monday sucks! BLEAHH!
So was it a coincidence that Conan was canceled after my comic book appeared on his show, or yet another conspiracy against our nation’sChrisWards? The Chris Ward curse continues, unchallenged! [SAD TROMBONE!]
And speaking of Conan, why does he insist on going by the name “Mrs. Stewart” and tricking me into think Liquid Bluing makes clothes white? [Sad Trombone!!!!]
I took this at the airport. Either security is lax enough where someone can hack in and dick around with the LED sign behind the flight gate, or someone in charge of airplanes thought this was a funny/good idea to put up on their sign. Either way, I feel incredibly safe, thank you for asking! [Ladies and Gentlemen, if you'll turn your attention out the righthand window you'll see we've reached our SAD TROMBOOOOOOOOOONE! destination]
Did you know at Apple stores, there are little Apple viewing areas where you can cram in and sit and watch Apple commercials on an Apple Genius iScreen iTheater on an endless loop? Doesn’t that sound like fun? Doesn’t this seem like, oh I don’t know…. THE MOST IRONIC SHIT EVER?!?!?[SAD TROMBONE!!!]
Hey lady, what did you THINK only 10 skee ball tickets was going to get you? Try a little harder next time. [Photo courtesy the estate of Charles Edward Cheese][SAD ANIMATRONIC TROMBONE!!]
Welcome to the “I’m tired” edition of Sad Trombone Monday. Old Man Peterson’s got me doubling back into a swing shift, and if that sumbitch thinks I’m moving the palettes that MARY left in the warehouse bay, then he can kiss my ass. So, once again, here’s Monday’s collection of random, depressing observations. Hope your Monday sucks, bleah!
I don’t have any control over what Facebook spam ads pop up on my page, but all I want for Christmas is an option button that lets me click “disable tit-feeding father ads.” Are you a breast-feeding dad? Here’s 10K towards education! Welcome to Obama’s America….am I right, everyone!?!?? [Sad Trombone!]
Depressing: Appearing on Love Connection. More Depressing: Lying about your age on Love Connection. Most Depressing: Your name is So-So, and you’re painfully average looking.[Sad Chuck Woolery Trombone!]
Oh godDAMMIT! Angelina’s hiding the twins?!?! ARGHH! I guess I’ll have to resort to sexy old screenshots from Foxfire and Gia. Wait, they’re talking about the babies? Oh, I don’t care about those. Poor choice of headlines for the normally classy Life & Style. [Sad Tromboner!]
“Dear Eyeglasses Shop bathroom on South Grand: your sign is not working! Thank You!” [Sad Trombone!]
I liked how this asshole even stacked the smaller rolls on top of each other. Nothing thrills me more than petty, passive aggressive wars like this being waged inside retail jobs all over our great nation. Well played, TP guy.
“How will Jesus Come.” The question for the ages. During Red Shoe Diaries? In a Doubletree Inn honeymoon suite? In a truck stop shower stall? With a pinky finger up his…actually, forget it. I’m not touching this one. I want to live to see Christmas. Oh, not because I’m afraid of getting struck by Jesus lightning. Because I’m afraid of Glenn Beck’s people.
Ladies, if you ever see this guy, get outta town. Unless it is of paramount importance for you to find someone’s wife, of course. If that’s the case, find out all you can about the husband and his entire family. Genealogy is creepy, man.
“Crack the identity of that woman. Look at the husbands dealings. Trace his entire family…Go now…”
Seanbaby’s incredibly comprehensive review of the Secret Video Game Tips, Codes & Strategies VHS (and interview with star Donn “With Two N’s” Nauert!) is a thing of comedy beauty I won’t attempt to duplicate. Go read it again for the first time. But that post is years old now, and most of the videos don’t work. Probably because they pre-date YouTube.
And that’s a shame, because you’ve probably never gotten to see the clip of the world’s most Goddawful NES Secret Code of All Time. I don’t think Seanbaby mentions this one.
This video is for any of you kids bitching about load times or hard drive space or 16-digit Wii Friend Codes (ok, those still suck. You can bitch about that), just remember that when I was a kid, I had to learn about a 70-character level select code from a mouthbreathing hoser on a tracking-impaired VHS tape. And what did my trouble get me? A chance to cheat at Rambo, one of the worst 8-bit turds to come out of the lower intestine of Acclaim’s game developers.
Shown: The way a real man enters a level select code: double fist it. “Capallll E, small Gee, Cappall H, Zerohl, Zerohl, Zerohl…”
I wish I had time to go over all the stuff I’m thankful for, but there’s pie to get to. And I believe the E! Network will have something like a “Skanksgiving Marathon” on that I can’t miss. I’ll just let Fred Holbert here from “Scream Bloody Murder” explain what happens when you’re NOT appreciative for life’s little blessings. You see, he goes out of his way to be appreciated, and buy “art stuff” and clothes, but is this woman thankful? Well, I won’t spoil the ending.
I always thought this clip would make a great Mystery Science Theater 3000 “stinger.” Hey, remember the Turkey Day MST3K marathons on Comedy Central? My dad and I would always watch that. And now we’re Thanksgiving Day full circle. Also, as is custom in my house and my friends for 5+ years now, DO NOT neglect to check out my favorite Thanksgiving article of all time from X-Entertainment.com. I go to this page at least once this time a year. It’s the Peanuts special of website posts. You will not be disappointed.
Shown: Distinguished actor Robert Vaughn about to experience the worst Macy’s Parade of his life.(from X-Entertainment.com)
Imagine my excitement when, while shopping at Goodwill in preparation for an upcoming appearance on “Hoarders”, I saw THIS staring back at me from the VHS rack…
And imagine my sour disappointment face when I found out this is what the video actually is….
In addition to the promise of being “100% Wild”, The back boasts “21 hunts, 17 kills and 4 misses!” Ooo, the tension! Which four deer will escape from death’s icy, orange-vest-wearing grasp? Furthermore:
“Throughout the video, we take totally wild and totally unfenced bucks. Everyone gets in on the action! You’ll see a lady take a huge 9 pt. buck and some kiddo’s take their first deer.”
This is either the most poorly written copy for a deer video ever, or a description of the world’s most illegal pornography.
Still, this clip I saw on TV yesterday cooks up a nice WTF Soup with a brothy, full-flavored “holy shit” bouillon base. Watch how the kid just jacks around with that neck before, you know, giving thanks to Jesus. If you’re from the Midwest, these good-natured hunters and what they’re doing may not seem too crazy, until you take a step outside your little world for a quick second and then actually realize that THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING CRAZY.
You were SUPPOSED to get an exclusive interview with Tommy Wisseau from THE ROOM today fresh from San Diego Movie-Con Comic-Con, but for reasons beyond my…okay, okay. The AV lab was closed at the library, and I couldn’t edit it on my Radio Shack TRS-80 computer. And it’s late, and I’m thoroughly drained after watching the Riff Trax commentary for The Room. Instead, you’re getting an unposted video from my other site, Worst Cartoons Ever. If this doesn’t make you feel like dancing, then congratulations: you are a normal member of the human race. Please explain to me:
-How do you do disco teddy bear “IN the playground? Please humor me.
-What that bear sitting alone is thinking of, because it sure as balls isn’t “honey cookies.” Look at this sad sumbitch.
-How long before these bears were law raped by Barry Gibb’s copyright enforcing dick?
-Why must someone use incredible profanity when describing children’s videos? Because when I watch this, I think it’s clear that I absolutely must. Sorry mom.
-One last question: When a bear’s camel toe is in the rear, is it a moose knuckle? A bear bussy? What the hell is it?!?!
File this under “No shit, what did you expect to find?!?” I’ve been holding on to this Peoria Journal Star clipping since the early nineties. It’s survived around 8 or 9 big moves—two across the country—because I always meant to send it to Jay Leno. That means for well over 10 years, I watched Headlines and said “I gotta send that crack headline” and just never got around to it because that would involved finding an envelope. And at least seven of those years were pre-DVR, so I couldn’t just pause Jay’s address on screen. Or buy stamps. Or pick up an ink pen.
I always thought headlines like this were blessed comedy accidents until I actually worked at a newspaper.If you have any comedy spark what-so-ever and write straight news for a living, you will hate your life and eventually sneak shit like this past buttoned-down copy editors after about three weeks on the job. I know I’ve got a few headlines like this out there somewhere. I once reviewed the British movie “Snatch” and the headline that ran was “Snatch is a Bloody Good Time.” Now that’s just vile.
This week is the big countdown to the juggernaut known as SAN DIEGO COMICON, which I’ll be attending for the first time and marveling at the fair-weather geeks cashing in on people like you and me, and the stupid things we like. That’s why I sort of admire the cult following this incredibly obscure and insane looking show has over at—I shit you not—www.goldmonkey.com. This show was on one season, and this site is hopelessly devoted to it. Need a Gold Monkey script? Of course you do. And this website has them all. That, and there was a fucking GATHERING of people back in 1996 to celebrate the show’s 15th anniversary.
Does anyone else remember any shows that zero people in the universe but you remember? I always get strange looks explaining this show The Wizard (I think it’s called) starring a midget detective who plays the drums to concentrate. Or the Higgins Boys and Gruber on The Comedy Channel. Or The Vacant Lot and Exit 57, which aren’t on DVD yet for some insane reason. Probably because there are no apes in those shows.
