It’s time once again for a glimpse into the high-stakes world of a Pet Cat CEO. In this episode, Champ the Cat writes a check….HIS ASS CAN’T CASH!

Shown: In over his head? Has he finally gone….too far?

This guy, Jim Silver, used to work for Wizard Magazine, and now he runs something called Time to Play Magazine, which I believe is somewhat successful (?). I don’t really know much about him other than that. But if I were to wager a guess on why the magazine is successful, I would say it’s because of the videos on their site of this guy play-testing toys. They’re…odd. If you Chop & Screw the videos, though, they’re much better. It’s Wipey Dipey time, children.

Pictured: Not Steve Brule.

It’s time once again for a glimpse into the high-stakes world of a Pet Cat CEO. In this episode, Susan makes a terrible accusation! Part 1 of 15.

Shown: Guilty of Sexual Harassment, or caught in the system?

It’s time once again for a glimpse into the high-stakes world of a Pet Cat CEO. In this episode, Doug….whatever, just roll video.

Shown: Star of “Corporate Cat: A Dramatic New Web-Series About a Cat Serving As a CEO of a Major Company. Also shown, someone’s hoodie on my couch.”

Not content to be outdone by The Racist $25,000 Pyramid, this extremely familiar-can’t-place-her-80s-character actor (Jillian something? Little help, Jesse Thompson? Was she a voice on Turbo Teen or something?) gives her best clue possible for “Japan.” Thankfully, she passes before resorting to “Dirty Knees” or “Look At These.”

Ok, It’s not exactly Mel Gibson-level stuff going on here, but if there were a Perez Hilton page for Z-List Celebs, I’d like to think this makes the front page underneath something about Clint Howard or Reb Brown canoodling at Dick’s Last Resort.

Oh, no, Ichiro! She doesn’t mean it like that! Aww, see what you did, lady?

[UPDATE: Jesse "Junkstore" Thompson has no idea who this is either, and this is the guy who knows who Joe "Bean" Esposito is by heart]
[UPDATE UPDATE: "That's Teresa Ganzel from Transylvania 6-5000" says Adam "I'm the only one who's ever uttered that sentence" Tracey.]

Left to right: Recently deceased Golden Girls Rue McClanahan, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and Slipknot bassist Masky McGee, who committed suicide.

It’s been a rough week on us all as my Celebrity Wristwatch Curse continues. First, I got this Michael Jackson watch as a gift, and now my wife’s Golden Girl watch has claimed its next victim. It’s just like the Monkey’s Paw, but for $20 plastic wristwatches. So that’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve bought ever single Rod Blagojevich watch and I plan on wearing them up both arms as long as it takes.

Remember, the Golden Girls airs at 6 and 6:30 on WE Network, 11 and 11:30 EST on Hallmark, and 11 and 11:30 on WE again. Also, I’ll see you on the Hallmark Channel forums (yes, they have a thriving message board community! Thank you for asking!)

In memorial, one last time with passion….let’s return to a magical place, sugah. Rue has already been to Cat Mountain, so heaven holds no surprises for her.

In retrospect, this old post from WorstCartoonsEver.com seems tasteless, crass and mean. But, I stand behind it, and am re-posting it here because of Gary Coleman’s recent death. Enjoy this little piece of nostalgia and think of all the wee child actors you grew up with in the eighties. I kid because I love. Some of my best friends are short and named Gary.

Originally Ran 04-21-2009

Now here’s a premise I can get behind: Gary Coleman, except dead.

So, wait… all Gary Coleman has to do is pleasure himself and he returns from the dead? At this rate, he’ll never stay in the grave! BLAST!

Yep, there is something you didn’t think you’d see when you woke up today: a masturbating Gary Coleman angel. Thank you for coming to my website. There’s a comment card on the nightstand. I hope you enjoyed your stay.

Ok, ok…FINE. One more time. And slooower, just for the ladies.

I’m 29 today. God. What a terrible number. What a terrible, un-round number. 30 I’d be fine with. Good round number, 30. Here’s some videos to reflect how I feel today. Some old, some new…whatever makes me laugh today to get me through this Clogging Dance Competition in North Carolina. Best present so far? A hacker kid at the even showed me how to tether my Droid to my laptop, leeching internet from my phone and…well, it’s all real technical and involves “proxies” and “climbing telephone poles” and what have you. So here’s some videos of birthday shit, and also two men pouring beer over each other.

How to Wish me a proper birthday:

How to Terrify your Child with “Bimbo the Birthday Clown”:

How to Take Advantage of your Local News’ Stations Inane, Chuckle-Headed Birthday Announcements

How to Wish me a Fucked Up German Birthday:

How to Really Celebrate a Birthday, The Chris Ward Way:

How to Create an effective and pleasing birthday:

Creating a MORE Effective Birthday for Your Corporate, Animatroic Loving Clients:

Creating a More Effective Dick-Head, Failed Talk Show Birthday:

And, finally, How to Force David Bowie Into an Awkward Birthday Greeting on Your Foreign TV Spot:

Yep, you’re not alone….this is pretty much how I remember it to.

I’m no stranger to gospel music, techno mash-ups or inappropriate religious iconography…so perhaps that’s why this perfect storm of videos (brought to my attention by Bryan Sandlegs Morrelli) is something I will never, ever, ever stop enjoying. Just try not to Get The Ghost when you watch these. Like, every time I see them I want to go out of my mind. I want to fly a cross shaped jet at supersonic speed. I want to cut someone’s head off with communion wafer ninja stars. I want blood to spray out of a Virgin Mary statue’s eyes like a fire hose and knock everyone over in the first 3 rows. I want to LIVE, dammit! LIVE!!!!

Shown: The one they call The Executioner.

I’ve been off the radar lately because of a boatload of things in my lap that, sadly, aren’t lap dances. But I would hate to deprive you the chance to have your Monday ruined by coming to my website. Ruining things is what I do. Hope your Monday sucks! BLEAHH!

So was it a coincidence that Conan was canceled after my comic book appeared on his show, or yet another conspiracy against our nation’s Chris Wards? The Chris Ward curse continues, unchallenged! [SAD TROMBONE!]

And speaking of Conan, why does he insist on going by the name “Mrs. Stewart” and tricking me into think Liquid Bluing makes clothes white? [Sad Trombone!!!!]

I took this at the airport. Either security is lax enough where someone can hack in and dick around with the LED sign behind the flight gate, or someone in charge of airplanes thought this was a funny/good idea to put up on their sign. Either way, I feel incredibly safe, thank you for asking! [Ladies and Gentlemen, if you'll turn your attention out the righthand window you'll see we've reached our SAD TROMBOOOOOOOOOONE! destination]

Did you know at Apple stores, there are little Apple viewing areas where you can cram in and sit and watch Apple commercials on an Apple Genius iScreen iTheater on an endless loop? Doesn’t that sound like fun? Doesn’t this seem like, oh I don’t know…. THE MOST IRONIC SHIT EVER?!?!?[SAD TROMBONE!!!]

Hey lady, what did you THINK only 10 skee ball tickets was going to get you? Try a little harder next time. [Photo courtesy the estate of Charles Edward Cheese][SAD ANIMATRONIC TROMBONE!!]