Not content to be outdone by The Racist $25,000 Pyramid, this extremely familiar-can’t-place-her-80s-character actor (Jillian something? Little help, Jesse Thompson? Was she a voice on Turbo Teen or something?) gives her best clue possible for “Japan.” Thankfully, she passes before resorting to “Dirty Knees” or “Look At These.”

Ok, It’s not exactly Mel Gibson-level stuff going on here, but if there were a Perez Hilton page for Z-List Celebs, I’d like to think this makes the front page underneath something about Clint Howard or Reb Brown canoodling at Dick’s Last Resort.

Oh, no, Ichiro! She doesn’t mean it like that! Aww, see what you did, lady?

[UPDATE: Jesse "Junkstore" Thompson has no idea who this is either, and this is the guy who knows who Joe "Bean" Esposito is by heart]
[UPDATE UPDATE: "That's Teresa Ganzel from Transylvania 6-5000" says Adam "I'm the only one who's ever uttered that sentence" Tracey.]

Left to right: Recently deceased Golden Girls Rue McClanahan, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and Slipknot bassist Masky McGee, who committed suicide.

It’s been a rough week on us all as my Celebrity Wristwatch Curse continues. First, I got this Michael Jackson watch as a gift, and now my wife’s Golden Girl watch has claimed its next victim. It’s just like the Monkey’s Paw, but for $20 plastic wristwatches. So that’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve bought ever single Rod Blagojevich watch and I plan on wearing them up both arms as long as it takes.

Remember, the Golden Girls airs at 6 and 6:30 on WE Network, 11 and 11:30 EST on Hallmark, and 11 and 11:30 on WE again. Also, I’ll see you on the Hallmark Channel forums (yes, they have a thriving message board community! Thank you for asking!)

In memorial, one last time with passion….let’s return to a magical place, sugah. Rue has already been to Cat Mountain, so heaven holds no surprises for her.

In retrospect, this old post from WorstCartoonsEver.com seems tasteless, crass and mean. But, I stand behind it, and am re-posting it here because of Gary Coleman’s recent death. Enjoy this little piece of nostalgia and think of all the wee child actors you grew up with in the eighties. I kid because I love. Some of my best friends are short and named Gary.

Originally Ran 04-21-2009

Now here’s a premise I can get behind: Gary Coleman, except dead.

So, wait… all Gary Coleman has to do is pleasure himself and he returns from the dead? At this rate, he’ll never stay in the grave! BLAST!

Yep, there is something you didn’t think you’d see when you woke up today: a masturbating Gary Coleman angel. Thank you for coming to my website. There’s a comment card on the nightstand. I hope you enjoyed your stay.

Ok, ok…FINE. One more time. And slooower, just for the ladies.

I’m 29 today. God. What a terrible number. What a terrible, un-round number. 30 I’d be fine with. Good round number, 30. Here’s some videos to reflect how I feel today. Some old, some new…whatever makes me laugh today to get me through this Clogging Dance Competition in North Carolina. Best present so far? A hacker kid at the even showed me how to tether my Droid to my laptop, leeching internet from my phone and…well, it’s all real technical and involves “proxies” and “climbing telephone poles” and what have you. So here’s some videos of birthday shit, and also two men pouring beer over each other.

How to Wish me a proper birthday:

How to Terrify your Child with “Bimbo the Birthday Clown”:

How to Take Advantage of your Local News’ Stations Inane, Chuckle-Headed Birthday Announcements

How to Wish me a Fucked Up German Birthday:

How to Really Celebrate a Birthday, The Chris Ward Way:

How to Create an effective and pleasing birthday:

Creating a MORE Effective Birthday for Your Corporate, Animatroic Loving Clients:

Creating a More Effective Dick-Head, Failed Talk Show Birthday:

And, finally, How to Force David Bowie Into an Awkward Birthday Greeting on Your Foreign TV Spot:

Yep, you’re not alone….this is pretty much how I remember it to.

I’m no stranger to gospel music, techno mash-ups or inappropriate religious iconography…so perhaps that’s why this perfect storm of videos (brought to my attention by Bryan Sandlegs Morrelli) is something I will never, ever, ever stop enjoying. Just try not to Get The Ghost when you watch these. Like, every time I see them I want to go out of my mind. I want to fly a cross shaped jet at supersonic speed. I want to cut someone’s head off with communion wafer ninja stars. I want blood to spray out of a Virgin Mary statue’s eyes like a fire hose and knock everyone over in the first 3 rows. I want to LIVE, dammit! LIVE!!!!

Shown: The one they call The Executioner.

I’ve been off the radar lately because of a boatload of things in my lap that, sadly, aren’t lap dances. But I would hate to deprive you the chance to have your Monday ruined by coming to my website. Ruining things is what I do. Hope your Monday sucks! BLEAHH!

So was it a coincidence that Conan was canceled after my comic book appeared on his show, or yet another conspiracy against our nation’s Chris Wards? The Chris Ward curse continues, unchallenged! [SAD TROMBONE!]

And speaking of Conan, why does he insist on going by the name “Mrs. Stewart” and tricking me into think Liquid Bluing makes clothes white? [Sad Trombone!!!!]

I took this at the airport. Either security is lax enough where someone can hack in and dick around with the LED sign behind the flight gate, or someone in charge of airplanes thought this was a funny/good idea to put up on their sign. Either way, I feel incredibly safe, thank you for asking! [Ladies and Gentlemen, if you'll turn your attention out the righthand window you'll see we've reached our SAD TROMBOOOOOOOOOONE! destination]

Did you know at Apple stores, there are little Apple viewing areas where you can cram in and sit and watch Apple commercials on an Apple Genius iScreen iTheater on an endless loop? Doesn’t that sound like fun? Doesn’t this seem like, oh I don’t know…. THE MOST IRONIC SHIT EVER?!?!?[SAD TROMBONE!!!]

Hey lady, what did you THINK only 10 skee ball tickets was going to get you? Try a little harder next time. [Photo courtesy the estate of Charles Edward Cheese][SAD ANIMATRONIC TROMBONE!!]

Welcome to the “I’m tired” edition of Sad Trombone Monday. Old Man Peterson’s got me doubling back into a swing shift, and if that sumbitch thinks I’m moving the palettes that MARY left in the warehouse bay, then he can kiss my ass.  So, once again, here’s Monday’s collection of random, depressing observations. Hope your Monday sucks, bleah!

I don’t have any control over what Facebook spam ads pop up on my page, but all I want for Christmas is an option button that lets me click “disable tit-feeding father ads.” Are you a breast-feeding dad? Here’s 10K towards education! Welcome to Obama’s America….am I right, everyone!?!?? [Sad Trombone!]

Depressing: Appearing on Love Connection. More Depressing: Lying about your age on Love Connection. Most Depressing: Your name is So-So, and you’re painfully average looking. [Sad Chuck Woolery Trombone!]

Oh godDAMMIT! Angelina’s hiding the twins?!?! ARGHH! I guess I’ll have to resort to sexy old screenshots from Foxfire and Gia. Wait, they’re talking about the babies? Oh, I don’t care about those. Poor choice of headlines for the normally classy Life & Style. [Sad Tromboner!]

“Dear Eyeglasses Shop bathroom on South Grand: your sign is not working! Thank You!” [Sad Trombone!]

I liked how this asshole even stacked the smaller rolls on top of each other. Nothing thrills me more than petty, passive aggressive wars like this being waged inside retail jobs all over our great nation. Well played, TP guy.

“How will Jesus Come.” The question for the ages. During Red Shoe Diaries? In a Doubletree Inn honeymoon suite? In a truck stop shower stall? With a pinky finger up his…actually, forget it. I’m not touching this one. I want to live to see Christmas. Oh, not because I’m afraid of getting struck by Jesus lightning. Because I’m afraid of Glenn Beck’s people.

Ladies, if you ever see this guy, get outta town. Unless it is of paramount importance for you to find someone’s wife, of course. If that’s the case, find out all you can about the husband and his entire family. Genealogy is creepy, man.

“Crack the identity of that woman. Look at the husbands dealings. Trace his entire family…Go now…”

Seanbaby’s incredibly comprehensive review of the Secret Video Game Tips, Codes & Strategies VHS (and interview with star Donn “With Two N’s” Nauert!) is a thing of comedy beauty I won’t attempt to duplicate. Go read it again for the first time. But that post is years old now, and most of the videos don’t work. Probably because they pre-date YouTube.

And that’s a shame, because you’ve probably never gotten to see the clip of the world’s most Goddawful NES Secret Code of All Time. I don’t think Seanbaby mentions this one.

This video is for any of you kids bitching about load times or hard drive space or 16-digit Wii Friend Codes (ok, those still suck. You can bitch about that), just remember that when I was a kid, I had to learn about a 70-character level select code from a mouthbreathing hoser on a tracking-impaired VHS tape. And what did my trouble get me? A chance to cheat at Rambo, one of the worst 8-bit turds to come out of the lower intestine of Acclaim’s game developers.

Shown: The way a real man enters a level select code: double fist it. “Capallll E, small Gee, Cappall H, Zerohl, Zerohl, Zerohl…”

I wish I had time to go over all the stuff I’m thankful for, but there’s pie to get to. And I believe the E! Network will have something like a “Skanksgiving Marathon” on that I can’t miss. I’ll just let Fred Holbert here from “Scream Bloody Murder” explain what happens when you’re NOT appreciative for life’s little blessings. You see, he goes out of his way to be appreciated, and buy “art stuff” and clothes, but is this woman thankful? Well, I won’t spoil the ending.

I always thought this clip would make a great Mystery Science Theater 3000 “stinger.” Hey, remember the Turkey Day MST3K marathons on Comedy Central? My dad and I would always watch that. And now we’re Thanksgiving Day full circle. Also, as is custom in my house and my friends for 5+ years now, DO NOT neglect to check out my favorite Thanksgiving article of all time from X-Entertainment.com. I go to this page at least once this time a year. It’s the Peanuts special of website posts. You will not be disappointed.

Shown: Distinguished actor Robert Vaughn about to experience the worst Macy’s Parade of his life. (from X-Entertainment.com)