In anticipation of my upcoming animation column, “Celling Out,” at UGO.com, I present this classic Worst Cartoons Ever post. Also, it’s late and I work in the morning.
If there were a way to replay the noise Super President’s doughy sidekick makes right before Steel Man punches him in the face, over and over on an endless loop, I think I would be the happiest person alive. It’s kind of like “HOO GEET!” or “HOON GLEEK!” I’m sure his voice directions were great:
Director: Ok Jerry, in this scene, Steel Man—who is clearly not a man by any stretch—walks into the “impenetrable base.” He does this by walking through the open door. Then, he punches you in the jaw, not killing you instantly. You need to make a noise that captures this.
Voice Actor: How about, Hoon Geet?
Director: Hmm…”Hoon Geet.” I like it, but maybe give me something in a “Hool Jeet.” Oh, hell, you’re the actor: Hoon Geet it is.
Voice Actor: Then what should I say?
Director: Oh nothing. Then we have this scene where the unstoppable Steel Man—who could snap a man like a Baked Lays with his bare hands and is immune to bullets—well, he’s gonna get scared off by a dinging bell, after going to all the trouble of breaking into the place.
I would like to add, upon watching this again, that though NO SECURITY SYSTEM ON EARTH is a match for this robot, Super President sends his powerless sidekick “Jerry” into the fray and is all, “Ehh, call me if you see the killer robot. And remember, he’s got super powers.” Jerry’s just staring at his walkie talkie and pissing his pants.
By the way, if you think the phrase “You were wrong, Sales,” is just bad grammar on the robot’s part, you probably need to watch this post first.
You all know Junkstore Jesse Thompson from his hilarious Maxim.com articles and the famous Berserker beer can scene he introduced me to. Well, we drugged our spouses, threw them in a mini-van and had a rock and roll time in St. Louis this year for Junkstore’s birthday/New Years Eve. Here are the pictures! I know it’s not the same as Sad Trombone Monday (I know I’ve missed two in a row now…things have been too crazy) so please accept this pictorial as a kind of Happy Slide Whistle Monday instead. I don’t know if this tops last year’s “Electro Shocked Face Muscles Party” at Junkstore’s pad, but it was close. Which reminds me…hey! This site’s been up for about a year! What a complete waste of your time! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?
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There was a secret hipster roller skating rave, and Jesse and I used this opportunity to show Lil’ Bow Wow how Roll Bouncing is actually done.
What’s a New Years Eve party without a quick stop at bad guy Ben Gazzara’s basement from Road House? This is the cousin of the bear that fell on Tinker. Actually, this is from the Cheshire Lodge in St. Louis. You know this hotel from Up In The Air with George Clooney. I know it from the housekeeper asking me if I’d seen “The Bearded Man” that haunts the fourth floor. I wasn’t aware Billy Mays had moved on to poltergeisting so quickly. Classy joint. Very posh. Very haunted by Billy Mays.
“When There’s No More Room Left in Hell, Zombies Will Roller Skate Around the Earth.”
CLICK THROUGH FOR MORE, INCLUDING SECRET CAVES AND SHIT!
Imagine ALEJANDRO JODOROWSKY being put in charge of the art department for Hollywood’s next batch of tent pole summer films, and you’ve dipped your toes in the waters of madness that make up these nightmarish film posters from Ghana. Yeah, I’m pretty much buying this unassuming book from Amazon, like, immediately.
In the 1980s video cassette technology made it possible for “mobile
cinema” operators in Ghana to travel from town to town and village to
village creating temporary cinemas…
In order to promote
these showings, artists were hired to paint large posters of the films… The artists were given the
artistic freedom to paint the posters as they desired – often adding
elements that weren’t in the actual films, or without even having seen
the movies…
The artistic freedom that these artists were
given allowed for the creation of some very interesting and sometimes
bizarre posters that, as screenwriter Walter Hill wrote, were quite
often “more interesting than the films.”
Here are a few favorites from the site:
I’m guessing the Marmaduke movie in development ain’t gonna look anything like this. Which is a shame, cause that’s the only way in hell I’m going to see it. But it’s good to see Brian Warner getting work
You remember the theme song for this movie: “Charles in Charge/Up on Days/And Protecting John Connor.” Sure, it wasn’t very catchy, but neither was the alternate title for this Ghana version: “Scott Baio is 45 and Has a Penis Pistol and Rosy Red Nipples.”
This showcases a famous scene from Ghana’s “Poltergiest 2: The Giest is Loose.” I speak, of course, of the finale when a bottle of soda orgasms a blood-drooling demon that craps chainsaws which, in turn, rain down on Craig T. Nelson’s waiting sedan. Then Demon Verne Troyer looks on in delight as Baby Snow White fondles her dollie’s breasts. Splendid piece of cinema. Splen-DID.
This was sort of a catch all poster for Where the Wild Things Are, Twilight: New Moon and Old Dogs (the naked dwarf being Seth Green, and the horned monster being a gorilla rocking him to death. Great comedy: the universal language!)
Dear Ghana House Party poster painter guy: You nailed it, brother. Take a bow. Drop that makeshift paintbrush and let some other fool finish the C.H.U.D. mock-up. You’ve more than earned your weight in goat meat today.
I can conclude that “the spy” refers to the man with the burned off face and “me” refers to the shrieking harpy growing out of his ass. But what I can’t figure out is why this movie isn’t called “I’M ALTERNATELY TERRIFIED OF THE SPY WHO LOOKS LIKE PETER LORRE AND THE FISH WITH THE HAPHAZARDLY CIRCUMCISED TAIL FIN.”
Patrick Swayze, Kelly Lynch and Sam Elliott look better than ever! Now THIS is a poster the screams “blockbuster” the world over! Genius, GENIUS piece of promotional art.
…Ok, ok…I drew this. But If someone could please pass it along to the guy in Ghana hiring people to paint American movies on canvas flour sacks, I’d be forever in your debt. I hear that economy’s booming!
Did you know there exists a Science Fiction Museum? Well, I guess if you’re a hardcore fundamentalist Christian, every museum is kind of like a science fiction museum (but I kid WASPs! I kid! Sorry to kick you when you’re down with the passing of Oral “Snicker!” Roberts). The Bad News is, it’s in Switzerland. The good news, my best best buddy Joe….who you know from THIS VIDEO about Teenage Turtle Abortion…
…has been selected for THIS!:
A new music compilation CD, produced by Maison d’Ailleurs, is now accepting submissions. The CD will be produced in 5600 copies, distributed for free with the music magazine Vibrations in March 2010, to accompany a Music and Science Fiction exhibition at the museum.
About the exhibition:
Maison d’Ailleurs is staging an exhibition about Music and Science Fiction from March 6th to August 1st 2010, which will explore the way that Science Fiction has permeated music genres. Not only has Science Fiction been linked to technological innovation in musical instruments since the theremin, but thanks to its metaphorical potential, Science Fiction narratives and images have been widely used by musicians, from Sun Ra to Magma, Kraftwerk to Carl Craig, Louis and Bebe Barron to Hawkwind…
Sounds cool, right fellow geeks? Joe and I have been making music together—sweet, sweet music—since we were kids (there’s still an Angelfire page out there to prove it. More on that later), and lately he’s really grown leaps and bounds despite the fact that neither of us have any clue what we’re doing, and are just having fun. Well, that’s actually just what Joe would want me to say. He’s actually very talented. Add in the fact that he teaches “bad girls” for a living in Japan, and his super-talented wife makes stop motion Wookie films, and it’s possible I actually hate him.
And here’s another from his Super Battlestation Robot EP: “Prepare for a Mind War.” I did they original vocals for this song but they succccked hard. If you listen closely, you can hear me doing some of the screamy stuff in the background. But thank god he didn’t use my tracks.
When I see something like LOLcats, I always wondered “whose responsible it?” Now, my friends and I are the epicenter of the world’s greatest internet meme, Whose Responsible This, and my pal Sean is its one man PR Firm. It’s even gotten some press:
“My friend Rob Bricken, aka Topless Robot, has a recurring feature at his site called Fan Fiction Friday, the goal of which is to plumb the abyss of horror that is the collective imagination of the nerd Internet. This week’s installment is about a woman having sex with a baby Pokemon teddy-bear thing. But where it really takes off is when the author (search the page for Brickhousebunny21) shows up to complain and threaten. He leads with WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?, as meme-worthy a phrase I’ve seen on the Internet since “I am aware of all Internet traditions.” It’s an ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US waiting to happen. I’m working it into my repertoire immediately. The next time I’m outraged by something on the Internet, I’m damn well gonna try to find out whose responsible this.
I can’t get enough of this, and seek to immediately drive it into the ground. Some offerings….
I don’t know where Ben and Katie found this Bachelorette Party tape. I don’t know where my friend DJ Daymage found the awesome spark of genius to mix MJ’s “Rock With You” with Daft Punk’s “Something About Us.” But I felt I had to put it all together in one gloriously hairy, banana-hammock swinging, motorcycle-helmet wearing orgy for you to enjoy. Turn the lights low, baby. And just groove on this.
Shown: The Good News is Your Dates are Here, the Bad News is They’re Androgenous Fuck-Bots from Dooms-town.
How much would you pay for a electrical current to run through your face skin using a 9Volt battery and blue telephone cord? What if it came with a dial that ratcheted up the intensity, much like the water torture device from the Princess Bride? In 1999, Linda Evans thought $200 sounded about right. 10 years later, the incredible store Tuesday Morning (named as such because a truckload of new, awful shit arrives EVERY Tuesday morning, right on cue, as fatties line up for new clown ceramics) had this puppy marked down to only $8! I bought two. In retrospect, I should have bought 1,000—Now, my jackbooted, blue droid army will never march into your town whisper-chanting “More Human Than Human” and cutting things off people with scissors. A shame, really.
I took the liberty of hooking the included VHS instructional tape, running the feed through a captive baby’s brain (don’t worry, it’s an Experiment Baby set up for things like this. His mother didn’t want him and no one will miss him) and recording the combined output. Here’s what we got. Watch it with someone you love:
Click through to see how the mask performs IN A PARTY SETTING!!!!!
