Part 1 in my 5,000 part series, “The Dangers of Rock and Roll.” I have six hours of footage from this thing. Here’s the first part, which displays all the dangers of Rock music.

A taste of what you’re in for.

My friend Joe—better known to readers of this site as the Teen Turtle Pregnancy guy—has just released his new EP, totally for free, over at his website where you can download it and stream it for free!

The EP is pretty amazing (I mean, Christ, just check out that cover art, for one. And it’s getting great reviews), and the lead-off song is kind of a cross between NOFX and a cute Japanese girl kicking you in the face. I’ve been meaning to make a music video for Joe for sometime, and I came across some footage that seemed appropriate for this and this only.

Vlantis—KURO GOMA ICE from World of Wardcrap on Vimeo.

If you’ve seen this brand new Kanye Video, you know it’s the best Monday Wake Up Call since Maxwell House invented caffeine. It’s awesome!!!! I never thought when I read 300—Frank Miller’s terribly boring graphic novel that got made into a fun movie—that someone would ape it and create a cultural powerhouse of a moment. Yeah, that last sentence was pretty annoying, just deal with it…I’m tired. Powerhouse will have to do. Cultural Powerhouse. Whatever. It works. Sure.

People can talk shit about Kanye West all they want: he’s the trendsetter. The waymaker. The recess organizer. The most popular kid. And I LOVE HIM. TEAM KANYE. Taylor Swift: your music is blah blah blah blah. Thank God Mr. West interrupted you, or we might not have anything to talk about still except your boring, pedestrian pop-country slush. Kanye West is pretty much the only pop-rapper worth listening to right now, until Luda puts something new out. I hope Kanye puts out an album so good, that Lady Gaga’s farkle-ass face implodes. BTW: For the record, Lady Gaga sucks. If you like her, though, I apologize—it must be hard to defend such shitty music all day, every day. Ok, polarizing rant over. Sorry. I really don’t care that much, honestly. I just like to shake the Ant Farm.

So here’s my version. Enjoy, and I hope your Monday Sucks! Blargh!

Some people are saying that Jerry Lewis shouldn’t be doing his telethon anymore. I think he should be putting all his energy into releasing The Day The Clown Cried on Blu-Ray. And speaking of the Day the Clown Cried, I don’t know….watch this and judge for yourself. Think he’s fit for another year?

I guess I’m as surprised as anyone that Jerry Lewis and Casey Tatum are related.

I’m no stranger to gospel music, techno mash-ups or inappropriate religious iconography…so perhaps that’s why this perfect storm of videos (brought to my attention by Bryan Sandlegs Morrelli) is something I will never, ever, ever stop enjoying. Just try not to Get The Ghost when you watch these. Like, every time I see them I want to go out of my mind. I want to fly a cross shaped jet at supersonic speed. I want to cut someone’s head off with communion wafer ninja stars. I want blood to spray out of a Virgin Mary statue’s eyes like a fire hose and knock everyone over in the first 3 rows. I want to LIVE, dammit! LIVE!!!!

Shown: The one they call The Executioner.

I don’t actually have the time to post…it’s late. Just got home. I just got back from the CAT CIRCUS.

I just watched a cat and a chicken have a bell ringing contest. I watched a bunny drive a red car. I watched a black cat knock some shit over and send other cats running into the crowd. And then we all sang Silent Night as some cat pounded on a drumset. In short, it was awesome. Got a really amazing interview with the wonderful cat women (sexy and single cat women, I might add) involved and I’ll be sharing with you soon where it will appear. Until then, here’s my cat music video again. It pretty much sums up how I feel.

SHOWN: “Hey, it’s your cousin Morris…MORRIS THE CAT….listen, you know that new sound you’ve been looking for? LISTEN TO THIS!!!! [MEOOWEROERERRR....]“

The comics world was abuzz (so abuzz, they were afraid to comment!) upon seeing Watchmen creator Alan Moore’s psychedelic rock band in action, as I first witnessed with terrified eyes over at Topless Robot. This is a big deal for two reasons. 1.) The snake worshipping Moore rarely plays his breed of Showbiz Pizza Place-inspired rock in public, and 2.) It’s the first time in years he’s played with long-time bandmate Kenny Fisher from the film Can’t Hardly Wait

Did someone order a Love Burger…WELL DONE?

After I watched the video, I realized this was all very familiar. I emailed a friend of mine, and—YES—he sent me the only existing footage of Alan Moore’s first performance with The Retro Spankees singing “You Cannot Fart Around With Love” from 1969. I knew we had this laying around! But the real point I’m getting at is this: I’m sick today and don’t feel like doing anything, and by watching this video you will then feel exactly like I feel.

See? I wasn’t joking. Do you feel like doing anything now but taking a good, long shit? Of course you don’t. This video is an audiovisual stool softener.

Shown: Iron & Wine robs the clearance aisle of Kay Jewelers.

And SPEAKING of demons, December 5th is Krampus Day, so be sure to terrify all the children in your life by filling their heads with stories of Santa’s sidekick, Gruff Vom Krampus, an impish, black-tongued Satan who beat children with reeds and rattles chains in their ears. Leave it to Germany. Why, Krampus even has his own, hilarious Twitter page this season! I wonder what person(s) are behind that?

Shown: Giddy Up, Krampus! How can you have any apples if you don’t eat your MEAT!

Step 1: Go to Six Flags with your kid brother in the early nineties. Step 2: Appear in a karaoke version of a New Kids on the Block song. Step 3: Shamed by the video and shunned by peers for admitting you like NKOTB, you lock it away in a cabinet for 20 years and begin a downward spiral of social stability. Step 4: Accidentally donate it to the Salvation Army. Step 5: Smart-ass finds it. Step 6: Internet star.

Step by Step, the Bad Ladds! from World of Wardcrap on Vimeo.

I love these kids. This video is almost too adorable for this website. I wonder who they are? I wonder why someone would get rid of a tape like this? I wonder if the kid on the drums was so bored because, in the overpriced Six Flags “Make a Music Video” studio, the drums have no drum heads. It’s true. Sorry to ruin the magic. I convinced my parents to let me do one of these videos only because I wanted to play the drums, only to learn there are neither drums to play or guitars with strings. I can’t remember what song we did, either. But I remember how disappointed I was between the sham music video, and the chalk caricature of me in roller blades. I wonder where my Six Flags music video is? Probably in my parent’s basement in a box marked “Donate to Goodwill Center.”

Shown: an excuse to show this graphic again.

Remember when I interviewed Rivers Cuomo last year and reported he’s not that big a fan of Guitar Hero? Here’s the excerpt:

WARD: On a scale of 1-10, how bad could I kick your ass at Weezer’s “My Name is Jonas” on Guitar Hero III?

RIVERS:
[laughs] Probably a 10, because I don’t know how to play it! I’ve never played it. I don’t get those games at all. I mean, I haven’t tried them. But they must be fun because people love them. But, to me, it seems like if you’re going to put that much effort into playing something, you should just play a real instrument. [laughs]

Predictably, the gaming community had plenty of strong opinions about that.

Well, if you’re wondering if Rivers Cuomo wants you to forget about that (he wants you to). This is as close to what Sarah Palin calls “Gotcha Journalism” as I’m gonna get here, folks.

So what made Rivers change his mind? The chance to spend a day in his boxers around Taylor Swift? No…no…that definitely couldn’t be it.

And not only that, but Rivers is “rocking out.” I mean, “his footage is amazing.” I don’t know about you, but I’m “losing my mind I’m so excited about it.” Well, according to Taylor Swift (who also appears alongside Renee Zellweger in “Squinty Blonde Hero” next fall).

Here’s a behind-the-scenes look at the commercial (but why?), with Rivers noticeably absent from the string of forced, on-message PR interviews. Pete Wentz, for instance, really goes out of his way to imagine what it’s “really” going to look like because it just seems “so insane.” Uh-huh. In his defense, if I was shooting this commercial I’d wake and bake in the Activision green room as well.

So, what’s the deal here? Why would Rivers get in his boxers and take Guitar playing directions from THIS douchebag all morning? Or appear in New York City for the game’s enormous launch party? Maybe it’s because Raditude  only sold 66,000 copies in its first week (if you still pay attention to the dinosaur of thought that is “CD Sales=success”)? Or maybe Rivers just chilled out and decided, “you know what? I get it. It’s just a game. It’s fun. Playing Guitar Hero and playing actual guitar are mutually exclusive, and can both be enjoyed, or not enjoyed, in equal measure.”

Or maybe the money was really, really good. Like, DAMN…maybe it was really good money. You didn’t really think that “Beverly Hills” song was tongue in cheek, did you?

Shown: “Do it like this! See? Just like this! Like a real guitar, but not! Ok…ACTION!”

See me live tonight as Acorns to Oaks to benefit the surviving daughter of the Gee Family, who were brutally murdered in their home along with their three other young children, near Springfield. the ABC News story is HERE.

Here’s a little promo for you of Big Dave and I to wet your whistle (whet your whistle? Which is it again?). Anyway, my wife Sarah will be playing Clarinet (even though she’s sick! Still a champion!), my other Sarah is slated to play Accordion (even though SHE’S sick! Still a champion!). The VHS Projector, lighted drum rig, Patrick Swayze pump organ (with special surprise vocalist), and more will be in full effect for this show to help raise money for this little girl.

Please excuse the sound, this was shot with a video camera. But it gives you a small idea of the energy behind this show. Come out…it’ll be fun and do your soul good. Well, maybe. Some of you are heartless bastards, and deserve what’s coming to you.

So my song is River Raid. It was written for Matt Carey, about our time at Small World Daycare and the sinister shit that either went on, or I imagined went on. Lyrics are hard to make out, but I’ll post them if you are curious. If not, whatev. Just watch me bounce around like Daniel Johnston sans medication (week 32).

Dave packs more soul in his twenty-something frame without even having to strain his voice or resort to lights and gimmicks. His voice is amazing, and he’s headed for big things. Also, look at all those freaking candles! Sexy, right? That was his idea. Sell out!

Art from show flyer is by Adrian Riemann’s mind-blowing series of hipster He-Man fashions. Go see the entire gallery!