I’m no stranger to gospel music, techno mash-ups or inappropriatereligiousiconography…so perhaps that’s why this perfect storm of videos (brought to my attention by Bryan Sandlegs Morrelli) is something I will never, ever, ever stop enjoying. Just try not to Get The Ghost when you watch these. Like, every time I see them I want to go out of my mind. I want to fly a cross shaped jet at supersonic speed. I want to cut someone’s head off with communion wafer ninja stars. I want blood to spray out of a Virgin Mary statue’s eyes like a fire hose and knock everyone over in the first 3 rows. I want to LIVE, dammit! LIVE!!!!
I don’t actually have the time to post…it’s late. Just got home. I just got back from the CAT CIRCUS.
I just watched a cat and a chicken have a bell ringing contest. I watched a bunny drive a red car. I watched a black cat knock some shit over and send other cats running into the crowd. And then we all sang Silent Night as some cat pounded on a drumset. In short, it was awesome. Got a really amazing interview with the wonderful cat women (sexy and single cat women, I might add) involved and I’ll be sharing with you soon where it will appear. Until then, here’s my cat music video again. It pretty much sums up how I feel.
SHOWN: “Hey, it’s your cousin Morris…MORRIS THE CAT….listen, you know that new sound you’ve been looking for? LISTEN TO THIS!!!! [MEOOWEROERERRR....]“
The comics world was abuzz (so abuzz, they were afraid to comment!) upon seeing Watchmen creator Alan Moore’s psychedelic rock band in action, as I first witnessed with terrified eyes over at Topless Robot. This is a big deal for two reasons. 1.) The snake worshipping Moore rarely plays his breed of Showbiz Pizza Place-inspired rock in public, and 2.) It’s the first time in years he’s played with long-time bandmate Kenny Fisher from the film Can’t Hardly Wait
Did someone order a Love Burger…WELL DONE?
After I watched the video, I realized this was all very familiar. I emailed a friend of mine, and—YES—he sent me the only existing footage of Alan Moore’s first performance with The Retro Spankees singing “You Cannot Fart Around With Love” from 1969. I knew we had this laying around! But the real point I’m getting at is this: I’m sick today and don’t feel like doing anything, and by watching this video you will then feel exactly like I feel.
See? I wasn’t joking. Do you feel like doing anything now but taking a good, long shit? Of course you don’t. This video is an audiovisual stool softener.
Shown: Iron & Wine robs the clearance aisle of Kay Jewelers.
And SPEAKING of demons, December 5th is Krampus Day, so be sure to terrify all the children in your life by filling their heads with stories of Santa’s sidekick, Gruff Vom Krampus, an impish, black-tongued Satan who beat children with reeds and rattles chains in their ears. Leave it to Germany. Why, Krampus even has his own, hilarious Twitter page this season! I wonder what person(s) are behind that?
Shown: Giddy Up, Krampus! How can you have any apples if you don’t eat your MEAT!
Step 1: Go to Six Flags with your kid brother in the early nineties. Step 2: Appear in a karaoke version of a New Kids on the Block song. Step 3: Shamed by the video and shunned by peers for admitting you like NKOTB, you lock it away in a cabinet for 20 years and begin a downward spiral of social stability. Step 4: Accidentally donate it to the Salvation Army. Step 5: Smart-ass finds it. Step 6: Internet star.
I love these kids. This video is almost too adorable for this website. I wonder who they are? I wonder why someone would get rid of a tape like this? I wonder if the kid on the drums was so bored because, in the overpriced Six Flags “Make a Music Video” studio, the drums have no drum heads. It’s true. Sorry to ruin the magic. I convinced my parents to let me do one of these videos only because I wanted to play the drums, only to learn there are neither drums to play or guitars with strings. I can’t remember what song we did, either. But I remember how disappointed I was between the sham music video, and the chalk caricature of me in roller blades. I wonder where my Six Flags music video is? Probably in my parent’s basement in a box marked “Donate to Goodwill Center.”
WARD: On a scale of 1-10, how bad could I kick your ass at Weezer’s “My Name is Jonas” on Guitar Hero III?
RIVERS: [laughs] Probably a 10, because I don’t know how to play it! I’ve never played it. I don’t get those games at all. I mean, I haven’t tried them. But they must be fun because people love them. But, to me, it seems like if you’re going to put that much effort into playing something, you should just play a real instrument. [laughs]
Well, if you’re wondering if Rivers Cuomo wants you to forget about that (he wants you to). This is as close to what Sarah Palin calls “Gotcha Journalism” as I’m gonna get here, folks.
And not only that, but Rivers is “rocking out.” I mean, “his footage is amazing.” I don’t know about you, but I’m “losing my mind I’m so excited about it.” Well, according to Taylor Swift (who also appears alongside Renee Zellweger in “Squinty Blonde Hero” next fall).
Here’s a behind-the-scenes look at the commercial (but why?), with Rivers noticeably absent from the string of forced, on-message PR interviews. Pete Wentz, for instance, really goes out of his way to imagine what it’s “really” going to look like because it just seems “so insane.” Uh-huh. In his defense, if I was shooting this commercial I’d wake and bake in the Activision green room as well.
So, what’s the deal here? Why would Rivers get in his boxers and take Guitar playing directions from THIS douchebag all morning? Or appear in New York City for the game’s enormous launch party? Maybe it’s because Raditude only sold 66,000 copies in its first week (if you still pay attention to the dinosaur of thought that is “CD Sales=success”)? Or maybe Rivers just chilled out and decided, “you know what? I get it. It’s just a game. It’s fun. Playing Guitar Hero and playing actual guitar are mutually exclusive, and can both be enjoyed, or not enjoyed, in equal measure.”
Or maybe the money was really, really good. Like, DAMN…maybe it was really good money. You didn’t really think that “Beverly Hills” song was tongue in cheek, did you?
Shown: “Do it like this! See? Just like this! Like a real guitar, but not! Ok…ACTION!”
See me live tonight as Acorns to Oaks to benefit the surviving daughter of the Gee Family, who were brutally murdered in their home along with their three other young children, near Springfield. the ABC News story is HERE.
Here’s a little promo for you of Big Dave and I to wet your whistle (whet your whistle? Which is it again?). Anyway, my wife Sarah will be playing Clarinet (even though she’s sick! Still a champion!), my other Sarah is slated to play Accordion (even though SHE’S sick! Still a champion!). The VHS Projector, lighted drum rig, Patrick Swayze pump organ (with special surprise vocalist), and more will be in full effect for this show to help raise money for this little girl.
Please excuse the sound, this was shot with a video camera. But it gives you a small idea of the energy behind this show. Come out…it’ll be fun and do your soul good. Well, maybe. Some of you are heartless bastards, and deserve what’s coming to you.
So my song is River Raid. It was written for Matt Carey, about our time at Small World Daycare and the sinister shit that either went on, or I imagined went on. Lyrics are hard to make out, but I’ll post them if you are curious. If not, whatev. Just watch me bounce around like Daniel Johnston sans medication (week 32).
Dave packs more soul in his twenty-something frame without even having to strain his voice or resort to lights and gimmicks. His voice is amazing, and he’s headed for big things. Also, look at all those freaking candles! Sexy, right? That was his idea. Sell out!
Art from show flyer is by Adrian Riemann’s mind-blowing series of hipster He-Man fashions. Go see the entire gallery!
At Comic-Con this year, I sat through a panel where all Milo Venteigsg….Ventigla…Peter Petrelli from Heroes could talk about was this new Top Cow comic book he was doing called “Berserker.” I was excited until I learned it was another superhero comic, and not a comic version of 1987’s “Berserker: The Nordic Curse.” Because in the world I live in, there is only one property that lays claim to the name “Berserker,” and it’s about a Nordic Curse, a Killer Bear, a creepy groundskeeper named Pappy Nyquist and a whole lot of straight white dudes pouring beer all over each other and wrestling.
There’s one thing I can’t shake though (besides the slloooow scenery pan the director decides to use RIGHT when the rock kicks in), and that’s this: what in the hell are the lyrics to this song?
“you’re a cooool dude, you got your BS in Social Science.” Really? That can’t be it. “Stop feeding me all of that bowl of brown lice?” What? ”
[Thanks to Junkstore Jesse Thompson for forcing me to watch this movie at gunpoint!]
You were SUPPOSED to get an exclusive interview with Tommy Wisseau from THE ROOM today fresh from San Diego Movie-Con Comic-Con, but for reasons beyond my…okay, okay. The AV lab was closed at the library, and I couldn’t edit it on my Radio Shack TRS-80 computer. And it’s late, and I’m thoroughly drained after watching the Riff Trax commentary for The Room. Instead, you’re getting an unposted video from my other site, Worst Cartoons Ever. If this doesn’t make you feel like dancing, then congratulations: you are a normal member of the human race. Please explain to me:
-How do you do disco teddy bear “IN the playground? Please humor me.
-What that bear sitting alone is thinking of, because it sure as balls isn’t “honey cookies.” Look at this sad sumbitch.
-How long before these bears were law raped by Barry Gibb’s copyright enforcing dick?
-Why must someone use incredible profanity when describing children’s videos? Because when I watch this, I think it’s clear that I absolutely must. Sorry mom.
-One last question: When a bear’s camel toe is in the rear, is it a moose knuckle? A bear bussy? What the hell is it?!?!
No, this is not an outtake from the Star Wars Holiday Special. But it appears to be a major breakthrough in Wookie/Ewok relations, and it’s pretty much impossible for me to have a bad day anytime I watch this.
My interpretations of the meaning behind the unbridled joy in this video:
1. After the fall of the Empire, the ban on LSD was lifted on Endor trade routes.
2. A dingleberry cure-all wonder drug has been discovered. Not only that, but Dingeral, the dingleberry cure-all wonder drug, is available in generic form without a prescription!
3. Wicket is secretly taking synchronized dancing lessons in an attempt to re-ingnite a relationship with his hairy wife, in the charming rom-com “Shall We Yub Yub?”
4. George Lucas has successfully sued Chelsea Handler for calling her midget “Chelsea Lately” co-host “Chewie” in the landmark case George Lucas v. Not Funny
5. Wookies and Ewoks have discovered when they have sex, they produce the world’s most adorable thing
Shown: World’s Most Adorable Thing
Oh yeah, something I never noticed before even though I’ve seen this video a millions times: one of those Wookies on the far end totally doesn’t come to life at the beginning. That’s genius. But I still have no idea what the Silly Putty is for.
[video courtesy the super-talented Izumi Jacobs! World's Most Adorable Thing courtesy Joe and Cobalt]
