I’m pretty happy with how this turned out. The writer, author Scott Faingold, really nailed it. Check it out online, or pick it up anywhere around Springfield! Between this article, and the Western Magazine article by Sarah Zeeck last week, it’s clear that the best writing talent comes from the Midwest.

When the producer of Snakes on a Plane asks if you’re a god, you say YES.

It’s with the greatest of pants-tightening enthusiasm I can officially announce that, in addition to this site, I’ll be a regular poster at GEEK WEEK, which officially launched yesterday! I know, I know…you’re used to seeing me write for Fan Belt Quarterly and Fish Hook Enthusiast Digest, so it’s kind of a stretch for me.

I was approached several years ago by Mr. Jeff Katz—producer of Snakes On A Plane, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Shoot ‘Em Up—about a web venture he was working on, and after years of hard work, research and sweat that I had absolutely no part in, the Six Apart team (they designed the Huffington Post) have finally launched this beast. I’d like to think I have a pretty good bullshit detector (working for Wizard Magazine will help you fine tune that sixth sense), and Katz seems to be a guy who’s been on the level with me and knows how to spit game, knows what he wants and how to get it—as anyone who saw his San Diego ComicCon panel can attest.

I’m thrilled to be on board. I like this guy, I like his big ideas, I like his fire and vinegar, I like how he treats creators, and I like that he’s from the Midwest. He’s that perfect storm of Actual Geek and Daft Businessman that could pull this off. And he’s got a little bit of The Joker running through his veins, which is the kind of personality I tend to roll with. And, most of all, I like that my good friend/superb writer Gary Hodges is involved, as well as the only editor I’ve ever worked with who has his face printed on a goddamned thong.

Here’s a great article about Katz in Variety, as one of the 10 Producers to Watch.Personally, I thought Wolverine was a great movie right up until Wolverine stays in that barn, and the farmer forbids him from sticking his penis in any of the three holes. That’s not in the comic book (well, maybe one of Chris Claremont’s later titles).

And, say, here he is on Attack of the Show talking about his new comics brand:

Ok, so up until now it seems like I’m kissing a lot of ass. And while I’m not above that, I am sincere about what I’ve said thus far. So let’s play the Devil’s Advocate: there are tons of “Geek-Centric” websites out there. Maybe too many. Hell, MC Chris said it (I think)…geeks are kind of like the new jocks. And we’re constantly being marketed too, with words like niche-marketing and pre-awareness being bandied about, terms that raise everyone’s BS Terror Alert to “Reddish Orange.” And G4 is…well, G4 is what it is. True blue geeks still think of G4 as a corporate wolf in L33T speak clothing, with no real reason not to. We all know the score, dummies. Olivia Munn can only strut around in that White Queen get-up so many times: baby, I’m bored. My dick is not a rat, and you are not the pied piper. So what’s next?

In the words of Tom Atkins, “Thrill me.”

In the past year, I’ve seen that sites like Topless Robot , Panels on Pages and the Robot 6 blog (just to mention just a few) can be wonderful models to look up to. After years of working for publications that scream “THE 10 GEEK THINGS YOU GOTTA OWN!” and “BEST COMIC BOOK RACKS! WE TALKIN’ BOUT BOOBS!” (fool’s posturing, basically), these sites are down to earth, candid, transparent, respectful of their audience and—when they’re at their best—there’s some refreshing humility there.

And visitors of those sites know that smart writing and good company brings a smart, fun community along with it. While this post has been a hopeful, forward-looking rah-rah-rah for the industry so far, I’m not naive. I want to make some money doing this—doing what I love to do. It’s all I’m really qualified to do except drive women wild, and I’ve already kissed all the pretty girls.

So, I hope you’ll stop by and comment often, and let me know how I’m doing. A crowd draws a crowd, so please support me and I swear I’ll try to do better at leaving comments at my friend’s websites. I’ve been scattershot at that lately. We do this in a vacuum and any comments are good comments. That’s why I leave up all the hate comments—nothing gets me hawt like the occasional person yelling at me or telling me I suck. I feed off your energy, anonymous, ball-less flame poster. I love you. Let’s have a discussion. Thank you sir, may I have another.

Really: why so serious?

Oh yeah, and I’m occasionally going to use Geek Week posts here at this site. Hey, I’m not stupid. Why work harder? That said, I can now edit videos at my house instead of driving across town, so expect a lot more men in banana hammocks and Ghetto Jesus posts in the near future. Plus, I’m working on two secret projects you’re really, really going to enjoy…

Let’s have a good decade for a change. Happy New Year.

Since my last ad parody blew up all over the internet, I fully expect this one to slip by unnoticed, but I just felt like busting it out. Haw haw! Get it? If you’ve ever ridden the subway, you’ve seen these ads everywhere. I kind of like imagining a world where, instead of terrorists, we’re reporting ghosts (which, for the record, I ain’t of afraid of no).

Hey, let’s make it an inappropriate toys two-fer, whadda ya say?

When I worked at Wizard Magazine in the Research office, it was our job to round up the photos that would go in each month’s magazine. One of these tasks included gathering up the photos for Toy Wishes, the annual kid’s catalog showcasing the year’s “must have ” toys. My jaw dropped when WATER WORMS images hit my inbox from the company. There was no way they were going to put these pictures in a catalog of kids toys, right? Whose Responsible This???:

Then there was the smaller one. You know, for first time water gun users who might be anxious, scared, or shy about handling a full-size water worm.

In a rare moment of restraint and intelligence by Wizard Magazine (actually, thanks to the good sense of long time Wizard designer ex-Wizard designer Arlene So), these promotional art shots of, ahem, “water guns” never ran. Something along these lines finally ran:

Well, that’s a little better, I guess. Still looks like what Cliver Barker keeps underneath his mattress, but okay.

www.waterworms.com is now a defunct website, and even though this was “Australia’s Toy of the Year 2003,” it never caught on here. This vibrating Harry Potter broom, however? Big hit with the teen set.

from http://www.davesdaily.com/

Also, I believe the FCC cracked down on Water Worms, and whoever put out the “Oozinator”:

Guitar Hero: He stole it one piece at a time, and it didn’t cost him a dime….

If I told you that you could have a few brand new Guitar Hero and Rock Band games absolutely free, without committing a crime, would you like that? I’ll tell you how.

It occurred to me the other day, when I was told I had over $80 in late fees at my local video chain, that I hate video stores, arbitrary late fees, and the fact that some punk-ass video store worker tries to make me feel guilty for paying $1 at time for a fee forged out of thin air. They’ll tell me, “listen, if you pay $40 today on your late fees, we’ll pay the other half.” And I’ll respond, “Well, if you’re willing to bargain that much, you probably don’t need any of it. I bid $1, Bob.” My wife hates that I do this.

So here’s what you can do to legally get a free game:

1. Most video chains still give you the game instruction manual with the rental. Many even keep the instruction manual on the empty case on the wall.

2. The following games (maybe more) all have a unique 20-digit number on the back cover of the instruction book, with instructions to keep this number safe: Guitar Hero: Smash Hits, Guitar Hero: World Tour, Rock Band: AC/DC, Rock Band: Country Hits….

3. Take that number, go home, boot up Rock Band 2, Guitar Hero 4, etc…and go to the screen that instructs you to enter the Import Code. Essentially, this code is a “proof of purchase” that can only be used once, allowing you to download the contents of, say, Smash Hits into your GH library (they’re assuming you’ve already purchased that game in physical form. It’s like getting a free digtial download with a Blu-Ray disc).

4. Enter the code, and enjoy your new free songs. I just texted my friend his 20-digit birthday present.

I don’t really see the harm in this, since the rental store’s never going to use the code, and someone else will if you don’t first. You’re not cheating the developer, since the game has already been purchased by a chain such as the Midwest rampart Family Video, which has a large selection of pornography in the back of every store.

Guitar Hero: Van Halen is absolutely free with the purchase of Guitar Hero 4. This is one of the coolest things ever. But if you’re a real cheap bastard, and you’ve come this far…perhaps you’re willing to come a little further. Click through for more!

Shown: “Get Busy Livin’, or Might As Well Jump….”

(more…)

When I see something like LOLcats, I always wondered “whose responsible it?” Now, my friends and I are the epicenter of the world’s greatest internet meme, Whose Responsible This, and my pal Sean is its one man PR Firm. It’s even gotten some press:

From Sean T. Collins’ All Too Flat

“My friend Rob Bricken, aka Topless Robot, has a recurring feature at his site called Fan Fiction Friday, the goal of which is to plumb the abyss of horror that is the collective imagination of the nerd Internet. This week’s installment is about a woman having sex with a baby Pokemon teddy-bear thing. But where it really takes off is when the author (search the page for Brickhousebunny21) shows up to complain and threaten. He leads with WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?, as meme-worthy a phrase I’ve seen on the Internet since “I am aware of all Internet traditions.” It’s an ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US waiting to happen. I’m working it into my repertoire immediately. The next time I’m outraged by something on the Internet, I’m damn well gonna try to find out whose responsible this.

I can’t get enough of this, and seek to immediately drive it into the ground. Some offerings….

Shown: Hero House’s Justin Aclin and Sean T. Collins

And this one I call Whodentity Crisis. It’s just a tad Inside Baseball.

The original Topless Robot fiasco is HERE!

For now, my faith in the US copyright laws is restored. I had a bit of a bout trying to get this interview with Tommy Wiseau re-posted on YouTube after it was yanked, and even got a bizarre letter from Wiseau’s…people? I’m not sure who I was talking to, since we’re apparently on a first name basis. Here’s the exchange, it’s good reference if you ever find yourself in a similar situation with YouTube or various Eastern European filmmakers. By the way, this is funnier if you read it outloud as Tommy Wiseau:

To Whom It May Concern:
RE: “The Room” / Copyright /
CC: Chris Ward

If you can please send us the link to view the material. At this point we don’t know if the error occurred. [NOTE: YouTube randomly scans for copyrighted footage "thumbprints" and then contacts the owner, regardless if the footage falls under Fair Use in the US Copyright Laws. So Wiseau hadn't even seen the video when it was pulled] “The Room” content and other images are copyrighted and Wiseau-Films did not give any permission to use any material to the WorldfWardCrap, if they use any footage of “The Room” they are in violation of copyright in the United States, and any footage related to persons, must be  approve by Wiseau-Films in writing for public viewing; at this time our records indicated that the WorldfWardCrap do not have any permission to use any footage /images /person(s) from “The Room” or any permission to air publicly it (them). [NOTE: I have zero idea what this last sentence means.]

Sincerely,

John, Adm./Wiseau-Films

I really hope that Tommy Wiseau is really John. Because that would be awesome. My reply:

John,

Greetings to you, sir. The video in question simply matched YouTube’s “content ID”, which simply takes down videos that match a certain “thumbprint” using an automated system, even when the video in question may not break copyright law. In fact, my video and interview with Mr. Wiseau, who graciously agreed to answer questions about his new film for my website, is legally protected because it falls within the “Fair Use” provision of the copyright regulations, as defined in 17 USC 107. In fact, I believe this video does much to promote The Room and its fanbase without detracting from the original source material.

I thank you for your time! Any questions, please just let me know. If you have any questions or need something cleared up, please email me and I’ll be happy to discuss. And, as always, I am always happy to talk to Mr. Wiseau.

Best,

Chris Ward

Hi Chris: [NOTE: I LOVE THIS! It's as close to "Oh, HI Chris" as I'll get]

RE: “The Room” / Tommy Wiseau

Sorry, but you do not have any permission to use any footage from “The Room” and as you know you need a waiver/ the permission to use publicly any footage related to Tommy Wiseau or “The Room.”[NOTE: From my Broadcast Law Professor, the Rock Doctor Roger Sadler: "As for the interview itself, you are fine.  You conducted the interview, and it's your property, so you can do with it as you please.  They agreed to be on camera, and thus they gave you their implied consent to be recorded."]

Tommy Wiseau did not sign any agreement to show any material related to “The Room”  or Tommy Wiseau.  You or your company must submit your clips for review and approval process to Wiseau-Films, before any airing, and you have to respect our Guidelines, and copyright laws in the United States of America.

At this point you are or your company is an violation of  copyright laws in the United States of America. [TRANSLATION: "In THIS country, it don't add inches to your dick...you get a LIFE SENTENCE fer it."-Jack Nicholson, The Departed]

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
John, Adm./Wiseau-Films

Hi there,
In accordance with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, we’ve completed
processing your counter-notification regarding your video. This content has been restored and your account will not be penalized.
Sincerely,
The YouTube Team

Now that I’ve drawn you in with the kind of insane, hyperbolic ranting usually reserved for faceless message board posters, I’ll let you know what I really think: Quentin Tarantino is the new M. Night Shyamalyn. He’s right at the top of my list of…

Nerd Directors who have Fallen From Grace.

What constitutes a “nerd director?” Well, if someone asks, “Are you going to see the new Coen Brothers movie?” and your response is “Well…It’s the Coen Brothers,” Then that is a nerd director, my friend. Here’s my list:

1. Quentin Tarantino—”Here, I’ll do you a favor…” Crimes: Inglorious Basterds, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Death Proof, not backing up his too-cool-for-school cred, being annoying as shit, wearing out his welcome, all around aesthetic-theft disguised as homage. (Successors: the Coen Brothers, Guillermo Del Toro)

2. James Cameron: “Here’s how I envision Avatar sucking…” Following amazing nerd success on Terminator 2, Aliens, The Abyss, etc…Cameron makes  Titanic (ugh), and follows that up with a movie about a blue fish jumping around in what appears to be an Xbox 360 game, with leftovers from a Mech Warrior yardsale. (Successor: Christopher Nolan)

3. Bryan Singer: “When I say action, Superman is a terrible father and a giant puss. ACTION!” Had geeks lining up after X-Men, left the franchise to die and screwed the pooch on Superman. Recently announced he wants to REMAKE Battlestar Galactica (not the awesome, critically acclaimed series…the old piece of shit series! Either way…why?!) and an “Excalibur” remake. *sigh* (Successor: Darren Aronofsky)

4. John Carpenter: “Ghosts of Mars sequel, anyone?” John, where are we when we need you, buddy. Can you name a director so creative, prolific AND wonderfully, endearingly cheesy? Ok, besides Peter Jackson. After They Live, it just went downhill in a big way. And this music video didn’t help. He was the John Hughes of horror, and I want him back. We all do. (Successors: Paul Verhoven, Peter Jackson)

5. M. Night blah blah blah: “What a Twist!” This one’s too easy. Honorable Mention might be Steven Spielberg. This year, M. Night has officially been coasting an entire decade on one good twist back in 1999. And, like a complete fucking idiot, I KEPT GOING BACK movie after movie until I listened to reason and skipped The Happening. After Lady In The Water, I destroyed a kitchen chair with a hard-shell suitcase. I think. I don’t remember. It was a blackout rage. (Successor: Most French Horror Directors)

Ok, on with the Inglourious Basterds discussion and my ANIMATED MOVIE REVIEW and WHO TARANTINO IS STARTING TO RESEMBLE (LIKE, IN REAL LIFE)! Fancy!…click through for more and to weigh in!

(more…)

I helped film this. But my buddy Dan Raleigh, the two-time Wizard World Video Contest winner, is the genius behind twisting these nerd’s words. I only wish he’d gotten some of the Wizard brass on camera but, at the time, I worried about getting in trouble. Seems funny now to be scared of such a thing.

Shown: I like the Classics.

File this under “No shit, what did you expect to find?!?” I’ve been holding on to this Peoria Journal Star clipping since the early nineties. It’s survived around 8 or 9 big moves—two across the country—because I always meant to send it to Jay Leno. That means for well over 10 years, I watched Headlines and said “I gotta send that crack headline” and just never got around to it because that would involved finding an envelope. And at least seven of those years were pre-DVR, so I couldn’t just pause Jay’s address on screen. Or buy stamps. Or pick up an ink pen.

I always thought headlines like this were blessed comedy accidents until I actually worked at a newspaper.If you have any comedy spark what-so-ever and write straight news for a living, you will hate your life and eventually sneak shit like this past buttoned-down copy editors after about three weeks on the job. I know I’ve got a few headlines like this out there somewhere. I once reviewed the British movie “Snatch” and the headline that ran was “Snatch is a Bloody Good Time.” Now that’s just vile.