The EP is pretty amazing (I mean, Christ, just check out that cover art, for one. And it’s getting great reviews), and the lead-off song is kind of a cross between NOFX and a cute Japanese girl kicking you in the face. I’ve been meaning to make a music video for Joe for sometime, and I came across some footage that seemed appropriate for this and this only.
Not content to be outdone by The Racist $25,000 Pyramid, this extremely familiar-can’t-place-her-80s-character actor (Jillian something? Little help, Jesse Thompson? Was she a voice on Turbo Teen or something?) gives her best clue possible for “Japan.” Thankfully, she passes before resorting to “Dirty Knees” or “Look At These.”
Ok, It’s not exactly Mel Gibson-level stuff going on here, but if there were a Perez Hilton page for Z-List Celebs, I’d like to think this makes the front page underneath something about Clint Howard or Reb Brown canoodling at Dick’s Last Resort.
Oh, no, Ichiro! She doesn’t mean it like that! Aww, see what you did, lady?
[UPDATE: Jesse "Junkstore" Thompson has no idea who this is either, and this is the guy who knows who Joe "Bean" Esposito is by heart] [UPDATE UPDATE: "That's Teresa Ganzel from Transylvania 6-5000" says Adam "I'm the only one who's ever uttered that sentence" Tracey.]
I’ve discovered some sort of time rift that allows me to travel, unharmed, through un-energized ghosts in Pac-Man Championship Edition. IT’S LIKE TOUCHING THE FINGER OF GOD. When it happened I jumped…I couldn’t believe I saw it. And then I died almost immediately. I kind of feel like I’ve seen the Matrix for the first time. I must have watched this 100 times…I can’t figure it out either.
[note: As Chris grew up in and lives in Illinois, much was kept from him about Hanukkah. And by "much," we mean "everything." Though he now has many Jewish friends, they never stopped to explain anything to him, even when he thought Baklava was a traditional Hebrew dessert.We now present you with his entire 6th Grade report on Hanukkah.]
Today marks the beginning of a 33 day tea ceremony the Japanese call “Hanukkah.” The Japanese are let out of school at 1AM, a full two hours early, and don traditional “giant banana hats” for the night’s activities.
Shown: The Jew in his Banana Hat.
This is the extent of human knowledge about this mysterious holiday and its people, though footage is rumored to exist (below). Some even say Jews live among us today. Thank You.
For the curious, I received an A on that report. Everyone else in class being from Illinois, they took me at my word. Looking back, it seems silly to think of a time when Christmas dominated the Midwest, before our Jewish friends invaded every Wal-Mart and Dollar General with their crassly commercialized “hot toys of the year.” Happy Hanukkah, Midwestern Illinois!
Shown: Impossible to find toy of the year 2009 and Toys R’ Us 4AM crowd who will soon be turned away.
My best buddy Joe and his wonderful wife Izumi live in Japan, and just had a cutie patootie baby boy who is about to inherit a whole bunch of comic books and Star Wars toys from his father. But to their infinite dismay, the number one diaper brand in Japan is this:
Hey! It’s “Goon” diapers, for your stupid Goon Baby. Just look at those ugly goon bastards, crawling around in their own Goon stew. Choose either small “Green” size for goonie-faced newborns or the Red “Danger! Danger!” size for fatty Goon babies who split their own diaper because they’re so goondamned fat.
Sure, you could buy the “Gimp” Brand diapers at the dollar store, but they’re not biodegradable and they come pre-shit in (as we’ve come to expect from the “Everything’s A Yen” store).
How about some truth in advertising, Japan? When you buy Goon Diapers, you’re really buying this, now aren’t you?…
Shown: the true face of Goon Brand diapers
And guess what else? Only Goon diapers have the power to give a newborn baby a mind-shattering orgasm right there on the hardwood floor. Oh, is that comment over the line? Ok, fine. Then you tell me what the hell is going on at the end of this commercial. Because I’ve watched it about 50 times, and I still don’t know why unleashing a meteor shower of Vitamin E pellets on a kid’s ass causes it to succumb to the throes of mad passion.
That’s pretty uncomfortable. Waaaaaaay more so than a baby riding around in a Michelin tire on the highway, or being dangled over a balcony. Still, maybe none of this is as disturbing as the ass wiping cartoon frog we have here in America. This round to you, Dumpster Baby Goons!
As if it wasn’t depressing enough that Christmas is coming, and the year’s hottest toys have all been bought up by Richard Gere, here’s a quick look at some more uber-depressing crap to get you through Thanksgiving! Hope your Monday sucks! BLEAHHH!
It sucks when your name is “Max Paternoster” and your favorite yellow slicker is accidentally thrown in a garbage bag headed for the Salvation Army, but even worse when they make you repeat “3st Grade.” Aww, I’ll never get to 8nd Grade at this point! [Sad Trombone!]
The Eye of Sauron’s Girlfriend? Andre the Giant’s Fleshlight? No, it’s supposed to be a Hello Kitty hamper…for kids. Fun fact: did you know that while pornography is legal in Japan, the depiction of pubic hair is not? Has nothing to do with this hamper. I’m just saying. [Sad Trombone!]
It’s a Hello Kitty two-fer! It’s bad enough that a Japanese kid’s icon such as Hello Kitty has been used to market some questionable items in the past, but this time they put her in a bikini. And even that would be fine….if they didn’t out a heart on her chest right where a nipple would be. Still, looks better than Tara Reid’s nipple slip. [Sad Trombone!]
I took this screenshot from YouTube, because I was fascinated how many people wanted to know the answer to the question “Vampires: Is it Real?” These are the same people who want to know “Werewolves: Do They Happening?” and “Twilight Cash-Ins: Is It Ever Stop?” [Sad Trombones! Is it For Realz?]
When I see something like LOLcats, I always wondered “whose responsible it?” Now, my friends and I are the epicenter of the world’s greatest internet meme, Whose Responsible This, and my pal Sean is its one man PR Firm. It’s even gotten some press:
“My friend Rob Bricken, aka Topless Robot, has a recurring feature at his site called Fan Fiction Friday, the goal of which is to plumb the abyss of horror that is the collective imagination of the nerd Internet. This week’s installment is about a woman having sex with a baby Pokemon teddy-bear thing. But where it really takes off is when the author (search the page for Brickhousebunny21) shows up to complain and threaten. He leads with WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?, as meme-worthy a phrase I’ve seen on the Internet since “I am aware of all Internet traditions.” It’s an ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US waiting to happen. I’m working it into my repertoire immediately. The next time I’m outraged by something on the Internet, I’m damn well gonna try to find out whose responsible this.
I can’t get enough of this, and seek to immediately drive it into the ground. Some offerings….
“Hey boss, did you get a chance to check out the Appetizer inserts I mocked up?”
“Yeah, I already put them in all the dispensers.”
“WHAT!??! That was a test printing! You’re supposed to approve them first! Oh god…oh god…It’s in 15-point Arial font for Christ’s Sake! It’s spelled Ape-Tizer! I stole that baseball picture from DeviantArt and didn’t give an artist credit! Oh god, you fucking idiot, we’re all ruined! RUINED!!!!!!” [slits own throat]
Anyway, that’s how I picture it went down. Saw this on my table tonight at a sports bar in Japan. What’s that dear? We weren’t in Japan? Ok, then I have no explanation for this. I would have asked the waitress but she was too busy not refilling my goddamn iced tea.
No, this is not an outtake from the Star Wars Holiday Special. But it appears to be a major breakthrough in Wookie/Ewok relations, and it’s pretty much impossible for me to have a bad day anytime I watch this.
My interpretations of the meaning behind the unbridled joy in this video:
1. After the fall of the Empire, the ban on LSD was lifted on Endor trade routes.
2. A dingleberry cure-all wonder drug has been discovered. Not only that, but Dingeral, the dingleberry cure-all wonder drug, is available in generic form without a prescription!
3. Wicket is secretly taking synchronized dancing lessons in an attempt to re-ingnite a relationship with his hairy wife, in the charming rom-com “Shall We Yub Yub?”
4. George Lucas has successfully sued Chelsea Handler for calling her midget “Chelsea Lately” co-host “Chewie” in the landmark case George Lucas v. Not Funny
5. Wookies and Ewoks have discovered when they have sex, they produce the world’s most adorable thing
Shown: World’s Most Adorable Thing
Oh yeah, something I never noticed before even though I’ve seen this video a millions times: one of those Wookies on the far end totally doesn’t come to life at the beginning. That’s genius. But I still have no idea what the Silly Putty is for.
[video courtesy the super-talented Izumi Jacobs! World's Most Adorable Thing courtesy Joe and Cobalt]
So I couldn’t just leave ONE lonely post up as I get things rolling here. Here’s a pretty unassuming clip, probably one of the least bizarre things you’ll see out of Japan all day. What’s so weird about a late-nite Japanese gambling show where hot virgins play slot machines? Ok, that’s a little weird. But it still looks normal for Japan. She doesn’t have a monster tentacle in her ass or anything yet. Now check out the right hand corner and say the name of the show out loud. I rest my case. [thanks to WardCrap Japan liaison Joe Jacobs for the clip]
