Not sure if you watched Headline News this morning, but they’ve put all the trees in a tree museum, and are charging the people a dollar and a half to see ‘em. I don’t know about you, but in this economy that’s a hell of a bargain! Finally, something cheap to do, you know? And here’s some more depressing things to kick off your week. Hope your Monday sucks! FEH!

Love of House (Not the Hugh Laurie fan-fiction site)

You know today’s November 16th, right? And you haven’t bought anything for your kids for Christmas yet? Well, better luck next year because “Love Of House” is all that’s left on the shelves. Ironically, “Love of House” was deemed too grammar impaired for even Toys R’ Us to carry. At any rate, have fun explaining to your kids that “Mini Lordliness” is really what they wanted, not a PlayStation 3. This all reminds me of that Bootleg B-52’s song “Love Of House Shack” that this toy set inspired

Shown: Asian Fred Schneider sings the hits. He added, “The Love of House is a Mini old place where Lordliness am getting together. Love of House, baby, yeah.” [saaaad trom-booonnnneee!]

This stern warning accompanies a thrift store window we used to frequent (we frequented the window, not the store).

“Ok,” we “will” put “all” our “clothes” on “hangers!” Jesus “Christ” don’t have a “shit fit” about it and “scare off” your “fucking” customers! NO EXCEPTIONS! [sad "trombone"!]

Did I ever tell you about the time I sprinkled 8 bags of cocaine on a personal pan pizza and ate it in under 10 seconds? Wouldn’t you know, THIS is the first and last thing I remember seeing? A cross between Super Mario and that kid from The Grudge? [pants-pissing trombone!]

I pulled over from the highway just to take this picture. I hope you’re happy. If Subway restaurants hadn’t been ruined for you before with their slimy, lukewarm deli meat, disgustingly kemp countertops and prep areas and irritating jingles…consider this your wake up call. I’m a Quiznos man now. [sad trombone!]

I eat a lot of fast food. Lacking the foresight to make a documentary about it, I make no money off these culinary adventures, and therefore remain poor. And then I eat more fast food.

The closest place to me is Arby’s, which has a Machiavellian pricing scheme designed to confuse you and strip you of every last beefy cent. Their recent $5.01 combo campaign (AKA, the “oh, THAT’S why no one dines at Arby’s…we’re fuuuuuuckkkking exxxxxxxxpenssssssive!” campaign) has finally come along to supplant their failed “Arby’s gives me a boner” campaign:

I, for one, am all for the $5.01 new deal. Until last week, Arby’s deals were thus:

ME: I want two Roast Beef Sandwiches

CASHIER: That will be $8.

ME: For two sandwiches?

CASHIER: It’s cheaper to get the FIVE for $5 deal

ME: I don’t need five roast beef sandwiches. Can I just get four roast beef sandwiches and substitute a fry for one of the beefs.

CASHIER: Nope.

ME: Fine, give me five roast beef sandwiches for $5, instead of two sandwiches for $8.

CASHIER: Thanks! And here’s a coupon for $1 Roast Beef sandwiches, Limit 200 sandwiches.

ME: [stabs self to death, causing a big scene and spilling my innards as far from the mop bucket as I can, so that everyone will be staying late tonight]

NOTE: This is an actual $%^!@ coupon I got today. Don’t know if it works outside the Springfield area, but you should try it out and let me know what happens. Also, I swear to god i’m buying 200 sandwiches, and if they can’t produce them all i’m going to court.