When the producer of Snakes on a Plane asks if you’re a god, you say YES.
It’s with the greatest of pants-tightening enthusiasm I can officially announce that, in addition to this site, I’ll be a regular poster at GEEK WEEK, which officially launched yesterday! I know, I know…you’re used to seeing me write for Fan Belt Quarterly and Fish Hook Enthusiast Digest, so it’s kind of a stretch for me.
I was approached several years ago by Mr. Jeff Katz—producer of Snakes On A Plane, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Shoot ‘Em Up—about a web venture he was working on, and after years of hard work, research and sweat that I had absolutely no part in, the Six Apart team (they designed the Huffington Post) have finally launched this beast. I’d like to think I have a pretty good bullshit detector (working for Wizard Magazine will help you fine tune that sixth sense), and Katz seems to be a guy who’s been on the level with me and knows how to spit game, knows what he wants and how to get it—as anyone who saw his San Diego ComicCon panel can attest.
I’m thrilled to be on board. I like this guy, I like his big ideas, I like his fire and vinegar, I like how he treats creators, and I like that he’s from the Midwest. He’s that perfect storm of Actual Geek and Daft Businessman that could pull this off. And he’s got a little bit of The Joker running through his veins, which is the kind of personality I tend to roll with. And, most of all, I like that my good friend/superb writer Gary Hodges is involved, as well as the only editor I’ve ever worked with who has his face printed on a goddamned thong.
Here’s a great article about Katz in Variety, as one of the 10 Producers to Watch.Personally, I thought Wolverine was a great movie right up until Wolverine stays in that barn, and the farmer forbids him from sticking his penis in any of the three holes. That’s not in the comic book (well, maybe one of Chris Claremont’s later titles).
And, say, here he is on Attack of the Show talking about his new comics brand:
Ok, so up until now it seems like I’m kissing a lot of ass. And while I’m not above that, I am sincere about what I’ve said thus far. So let’s play the Devil’s Advocate: there are tons of “Geek-Centric” websites out there. Maybe too many. Hell, MC Chris said it (I think)…geeks are kind of like the new jocks. And we’re constantly being marketed too, with words like niche-marketing and pre-awareness being bandied about, terms that raise everyone’s BS Terror Alert to “Reddish Orange.” And G4 is…well, G4 is what it is. True blue geeks still think of G4 as a corporate wolf in L33T speak clothing, with no real reason not to. We all know the score, dummies. Olivia Munn can only strut around in that White Queen get-up so many times: baby, I’m bored. My dick is not a rat, and you are not the pied piper. So what’s next?
In the words of Tom Atkins, “Thrill me.”
In the past year, I’ve seen that sites like Topless Robot ,Panels on Pages and the Robot 6 blog (just to mention just a few) can be wonderful models to look up to. After years of working for publications that scream “THE 10 GEEK THINGS YOU GOTTA OWN!” and “BEST COMIC BOOK RACKS! WE TALKIN’ BOUT BOOBS!” (fool’s posturing, basically), these sites are down to earth, candid, transparent, respectful of their audience and—when they’re at their best—there’s some refreshing humility there.
And visitors of those sites know that smart writing and good company brings a smart, fun community along with it. While this post has been a hopeful, forward-looking rah-rah-rah for the industry so far, I’m not naive. I want to make some money doing this—doing what I love to do. It’s all I’m really qualified to do except drive women wild, and I’ve already kissed all the pretty girls.
So, I hope you’ll stop by and comment often, and let me know how I’m doing. A crowd draws a crowd, so please support me and I swear I’ll try to do better at leaving comments at my friend’s websites. I’ve been scattershot at that lately. We do this in a vacuum and any comments are good comments. That’s why I leave up all the hate comments—nothing gets me hawt like the occasional person yelling at me or telling me I suck. I feed off your energy, anonymous, ball-less flame poster. I love you. Let’s have a discussion. Thank you sir, may I have another.
Really: why so serious?
Oh yeah, and I’m occasionally going to use Geek Week posts here at this site. Hey, I’m not stupid. Why work harder? That said, I can now edit videos at my house instead of driving across town, so expect a lot more men in banana hammocks and Ghetto Jesus posts in the near future. Plus, I’m working on two secret projects you’re really, really going to enjoy…
Let’s have a good decade for a change. Happy New Year.
I don’t actually have the time to post…it’s late. Just got home. I just got back from the CAT CIRCUS.
I just watched a cat and a chicken have a bell ringing contest. I watched a bunny drive a red car. I watched a black cat knock some shit over and send other cats running into the crowd. And then we all sang Silent Night as some cat pounded on a drumset. In short, it was awesome. Got a really amazing interview with the wonderful cat women (sexy and single cat women, I might add) involved and I’ll be sharing with you soon where it will appear. Until then, here’s my cat music video again. It pretty much sums up how I feel.
SHOWN: “Hey, it’s your cousin Morris…MORRIS THE CAT….listen, you know that new sound you’ve been looking for? LISTEN TO THIS!!!! [MEOOWEROERERRR....]“
What if God were one of us? Just a mumbling, ghetto-fabulous, do-nothing slob like one of us? “JC in Tha Hood” is the kind of movie that appears like a star of wonder, star of bright in the video store. How can you not immediately grab this off the shelf, and be healed by its power?
Saafir…Caffeine…Shorty Mack…Eastwood. Don’t look for any Da Vinci Code meaning to these seemingly random words on the DVD cover: these are the film’s actors. Caffeine (you know, like the drank!), Eastwood (not Clint ), Shorty Mack (in the flesh!)…they’re all here like a Holy Trinity with a +1 on the guest list!
We rented this and Left Behind last weekend (naturally). Needless to say, after watching JC In Tha Hood, we had not a second to devote to Kirk Cameron’s end-of-the-world shenanigans. They suddenly seemed silly next to JC’s keepin’ it real message.
Saafir plays a character named “Jesus,” and he at least has the “one name” thing in common. Everything else…not so much. Picture if Humpty Hump from Digital Underground and Jesus got bizzee in a Burger King bathroom. You’d get JC in Tha Hood.
His voice is, like, transcendent. Just the way he says Lucifer as “Loocifer” floors me. I can’t get enough of it. When he says “Wha happen, Loocifer?”, it’s like a crappy Song of Solomon on mine ear. “My Fah-thuh, who arts in hea-vun” is another favorite. The movie even seems to ask the audience “what if Jesus was BLACK?” I know, I know…this question was resolved by Yahoo! an entire YEAR AGO!
Not convinced of the godsend that is JC in Tha Hood? Watch these jaw-dropping clips from the movie (for sale here), which I’m officially propping up as the Christian version of The Room! Seriously, you have to see the entire movie. This montage doesn’t do it justice.
(note: while JC in Tha Hood has the trappings of a Christian film—and while I doubt that capital-g God cares which mortals are saying words like “motherfucker” down here on Earth, in English or otherwise—this movie is full of language, sexual violence and homeless funk that would make the Pope weep. It’s definitely Too Hot for the Fireproof Crowd. I left out the, ahem, sexual romance for this montage.)
Additional things you’ll get to see when (and I say WHEN) you watch this movie:
- A long speech between Satan (in a cherry red Brooks Brothers suit) and Jesus about a battle for souls, FOLLOWED by scenes of Satan getting people to do awful things to themselves. And what’s the titular Jesus do this whole time? HE WALKS AROUND LA HOLDING A BIBLE IN THE AIR. There is not ONE scene between Jesus and anyone in this movie who needs his immediate help. It’s maddening. The whole time my friends kept screaming “Jesus, DO something already!”
-A green-screen heaven. No, not the LucasArts ranch. An actual green-screen heaven.
-A whore-killing pimp who has a full-size posters of The Mummy, The Matrix, and one prominently displayed Paul Hogan/Elijah Wood Flipper Poster in his apartment. And it appears to be SIGNED!
-A slideshow from director Dale Stelly (which just makes me want to say “Stale Deli!” when I read it) featuring the crew slamming Colt 45s. Works every time! Also, the gangbanger’s car says “STELLY” on the license plate, which kind of takes me out of the film. Which is where I wanted to be, actually. So, in that case…thank you!
-A drawn out final scene on a staircase, where a reformed gang member preaches the gospel and thanks his members for letting him preach in the house “while the church is being worked on.” Uh-huh. The church is under construction. So we couldn’t film there. Eli eli lama sabachthani?* ["My God, My God, why have you forsaken my Location Scout?"]
-At least 3 different takes of the “Hey Old Man, wanna buy some DRUUUGGS?” guy. [note: those guys are totally the same age, but he insists on calling him "gramps" and "old man" in every version of the 3 stories! GAHH!!! Also, this guy would make a GREAT team with whistle-enthusiast Bubb Rubb.]
Woo-WOOO! WANT SOME DRUGS, OLD TIMER? WOOOOOO!!!!! THA DRUGZ GOES WOO-WOOOO!!!
And by the time the whole film ends with someone screaming “GLORY!” into a microphone—WHO?!?! Someone TELL ME WHO!!!—followed by an inexplicable tribute to those who lived through 9/11…well, it’s stranger than any apocalyptic future Johnny Cash sang about.
I won’t go into how we almost got kicked out of the park that morning, but I will do the next best thing: I will reveal, for the first time ever, two really, really funny Ethan Van Sciver stories that simply wouldn’t fit in an Artist of the Year feature.
I found it while digging through some old material, and laughed my ass off at these unbelievable comedy/tragedies, painstakingly transcribed by an unknown, unpaid Wizard intern (thanks, by the way, whoever you were. I hate transcribing interviews).
(TAPE STARTS)
CW: Now, did you ever tell me about any cool pranks that you did [before my tape recorder got wet]?
EVS: Oh, did you get those on tape?
CW: I don’t even know. You mentioned a goat in you kitchen or something…I don’t know if that was a prank.
EVS: That wasn’t a prank, that was god preying on us…
Click through for the craziest story you’ll read this half-hour!
A magical thing hit the internet yesterday. And it finally allows me to tell an amazing story that I’ve been waiting to tell for years. If you’re not “in the comic industry,” (and, lord knows, I barely am at this point) you may want to skip to the hilarious audio bits at the Jump.
Because, at its heart, this post is about a shitty band. The world’s shittiest band. The band that drove Scott Kurtz to the place of madness he is now. The band Court Jester.
But why not hear the whole amazing tale, hmm? Why not dip your toes into the daily cry-baby shenanigans that make up The Comics Industry, won’t you?
CLICK THROUGH TO EXPERIENCE SCOTT KURTZ’S WILDEST NIGHTMARE! (more…)
One of my favorite Halloween traditions is an annual email I get from a friend and college professor, Mr. John “I’ve Seen Everything” Dodd: A staggering review of 45 horror movies over 31 days. 90% of them you’ve never heard of, and 95% of them no person on Earth should take the time to watch.
While working at Wizard Magazine (I know, here we go again…), I had the opportunity to interview Hostel’s Eli Roth, Rob Zombie, 30 Days of Night’s Steve Niles and Tom Jane many times. Each time, those guys never failed to act cocky about their horror knowledge. I always just laughed to myself, because when it comes to horror, my boy Dodd could take those guys to school.
This list (and this is only one year!) is such an extensive undertaking, you just gotta give him props for enduring (in most cases) such trash for 31 days straight.
Dodd’s an amazing guy, and he’s pretty much the teacher that really got me wanting to be a full-time writer. It’s easy to see why.
This was apparently his last year for this, and I’m hoping he will somehow break both his legs so that all he has time for is sitting in a chair, watching, typing and amusing me once more with 31 horror reviews a year. Write, horror monkey! WRITE!
Everyone,
Here it is year five for the annual 31 days of horror. Once
again I am wearied and saying this might be my last October,
that I will retire and do whatever other people do in
October. Sure, I had to take Saturdays off, not because I’m
Jewish, but because my work schedule requires me to work
all day on Saturdays. Oh well. Let’s begin.
October 1 – Off to an anemic start ** HOUSE OF TERROR
If there was truth in titles this one would be called House of Very
Mild Suspense. The dusty thriller has a nurse hired to look
after the wife of “one of the richest men in California.” Nurse
has a crooked boyfriend, boyfriend kills rich wife and stages it
as a suicide, nurse marries rich dude, boyfriend plots an
accident, nurse falls for rich dude, everyone dies at the end
(when if finally comes). Just a little too racy for TV in 1973
but not explicit enough to stretch the PG rating.
October 2 – Not any better
*1/2 THE RED HEADED CORPSE
Once again, we have a mystery masquerading as
a horror film. In this Italian film, Farley Granger brings home
a sex doll and imagines it coming to life in the image of a former
love. A long flashback shows the viewer how he became delusional.
Watchable but unmemorable, The Red Headed Corpse will be forgotten
two days after watching.
October 3 – We have blood (well, a little anyway)
**1/2 WELCOME TO ARROW BEACH
A Young Meg Foster plays a hitchhiker wandering through
the private beach of eccentric Jason Henry (played by Laurence Harvey
who also directed). Henry invites the girl to stay at his house
but has a secret. Since a pre-credit scrawl informs the viewer
that human flesh has been known to become addictive, one can
guess what Henry’s secret is. One imaginative murder (with
still photo shots) and the a good cast help out. John Ireland
and Stuart Whitman play (what else?) cops. Unfortunately, Laurence
Harvey’s daughter Domino does not show up to kill anyone.
THERE’S 30 DAYS TO GO! CLICK ON THROUGH…UNLESS YOU’RE….CHICKEN.
Christmas can go swallow a whole bottle of Flintstones vitamins and die on the way to the hospital as far as I’m concerned. Halloween is where it’s at. I’m working really hard this year on another boss costume to top last year’s Care Bear costume, an idea I BLATANTLY STOLE from Rickey Purdin and James Walker. And I got away with it, because I moved 1000 miles away and no one’s heard of Rickey and James west of Cincinnati:
Shown: Me as Care Bear and unnamed, sober woman I may or may not work with
But my ideas, stolen or not, haven’t always been on the mark. Here are the first 5 of the Worst Halloween Costumes I’ve Ever Worn (Look for the rest as the week goes on!!!!)
10. Skateboarding Frankenstein
Old school Nash skateboard? Pretty cool. Homemade paper mache Frankenstein head? Quite a feat of my mom and I. But combine the two, and I look like a Ralston Cereal Mascot reject: “Frank N. Boarder! Part of your complete breakfast, dudes!” And what’s with my neck bolts being in my forehead? If this rang my doorbell, I’d kick it in the nuts just on principal.
9.Teen Wolf
The guy in the middle? He’s the winner of the Jack and Jill Grocery Store costume contest. That’s because he looks like what he’s supposed to be. My cousin Jarrod on the left there, even he looks like a parrot. I’m supposed to be Teen Wolf. Here’s a quick comparison:
There’s no mistaking the picture on the left as Michael J. Fox as the beloved 80s icon, Teen Wolf. And there’s no mistaking the picture on the right for, what appears to be, a bear cub with Barry Gibb’s pubes glued around it’s entire head, wearing a flannel shirt. Needless to say, I didn’t win the Jack and Jill Grocery Store costume contest.
Name dropping side-story: When I worked at Wizard Magazine, I used to have to interview writer Jeph Loeb all the time. Then, one day, someone revealed to me that he wrote the Teen Wolf movie AND Commando! “Teen Wolf bought my first house,” he told me. I was floored. From that point on, and to this day, all I want to really talk about with Jeph Loeb is Teen Wolf. I don’t give a shit about how he and artist Tim Sale interact, I don’t care about what’s going on with Lost or whatever he’s producing these days….I want to hear goddamned Teen Wolf stories. I could not get enough of them, and took every opportunity to try to get one more out of him.
8. Jaws from Jaws IV
We got a lot of use out of this costume, which my mom made from those cool patterns they used to sell at Wal-Mart, housed in big filing cabinets, before Wal-Mart said “aww, fuck it” and started selling the same five “slutty nurse” costumes for $40 apiece. If I was 10 years old in 2009, I’d probably be a slutty nurse this year. There’s, like, no other choice.
Between me, my brother and my cousin I think, we got a lot of laughs from relatives who thought we were the SNL “Landshark” from year to year. Not exactly the vision of Dreyfuss-eating terror I was hoping to inspire. What you’re not seeing is a view from the front, where my face is painted black in the shark’s gaping mouth. Probably because I don’t want a more pictures of myself in Blackface all over the internet. Hey, I don’t need THAT public relations headache again, am I right!?!
But, hey, I thought I looked like Jaws. The rest of the neighborhood probably thought I was going as “An Orca eating Al Jolson,” but that’s neither here nor there.
7. Sad Vampire
This was another case of me being way ahead of my time. Today, sad vampires are all the rave, and adorable little Hulk Hogan costumes would just be too tasteless to imagine in light of the Hulkster’s divorce scandal, son-killing-a-kid-with-his-car scandal, daughter-being-a-talentless-whore scandal, and transvestite wife scandal.
I think that Hulkster is this guy Beau Thomas, I can’t remember. Though, I do remember being really jealous of his costume, and really feeling like I had phoned it in with a common vampire get-up that year.
“Stupid, SO STUPID!! You’ll never win the Jack and Jill Grocery Store contest with this bushleague vampire horseshit!!! Another year wasted!!!!,” I might be heard to say, alone in my room, slamming blocks and grinding potato chips into the carpet.
6. Michael Keaton’s Batman
I feel really bad about putting this on the list, because I think I gave my mom a really hard time about it, and she probably looked really hard for a good Batman costume.
I was in fourth grade, and Batman: The Motion Picture WAS MY EFFING WORLD. And evvvvery last sumbitch was going as Batman that year, and we knew we were going to have to top each other. I know it’s around somewhere, but I can’t find classmate Ryan Heinz’s superior Batman costume. I believe he held me down that year, and made it quite clear that HE WASN’T THE ONE WEARING HOCKEY PANTS!!!! I conceded his point.
Mine had ears that wouldn’t stand up, and a Lone Ranger mask sewn into it. Looking back, there’s probably nothing that could have met my expectations of a Batman the Movie costume short of Kevlar body armor with pre-molded nipples. But they weren’t selling that at Walgreens that year: they were selling this. And here I am, trying as I might to re-create the “terrify criminals with my cape extension trick” scene from the first 15 minutes of the movie. Just sad, really.
I lost whatever contest was going on, and Ryan Heinz went on to be the coolest man to ever live.
Shown: Redefining the shit-eating grin, Batman showoff Ryan Heinz
TOMORROW: THE REST OF THE WORST!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
There are lots of embarrassing pictures of me all over the internet. It just kind of happened….It just kind of happened as soon as I scanned them in, and put them everywhere online. My brother is the exact opposite of me in many respects: he’s well-respected for things like “business” and “trying to be a good person.” I have failed—FAILED, I say—on both counts. So since it’s my brother’s birthday today, I’ll bring him down to my level: here’s there embarrassing pictures of him. Actually, two are kind of awesome. Ok, and they’re not that embarrassing. I couldn’t do that to the guy. I might need a character witness in court someday. Can’t burn that bridge. Happy birthday, man.
Sig Heil Splinter!Wasserchildkroten aufgeZOGEN und SLAUGHTERED in DER TECHNODROME!
One of the best cakes of all time. Look at that thing. Mom had a Super Mario cake mold and I really wish we still had it. This is before it was cool to make “geek cakes.” The only thing is, my mom used to put all these cakes on top of that cardboard-covered-in-foil thing, and I would cut a piece and bite down hard on foil EVERY TIME. I believe this cake is the first time that happened. To this day, I look at the bottom of my cake pieces before I eat them (not kidding).
My aunt had these nightgowns that we insisted on wearing at sleepovers because they had cartoons on them. I found out years later that A). Boys should not wear Snoopy and Smurfette nightgowns and B.) My aunt isn’t a fan of little boys. She likes little nieces and was never big on little nephews. So she was more than happy to let us saunter around in these (This is EXACTLY the backstory to Sleepaway Camp, by the way). By the time I had figured this out, the damage was done: I was a full-blown transsexual with a Brainy Smurf fetish. My brother developed a phobia of sitting on top of giant strawberries. Thanks alot!
Now that he’s thoroughly shamed, please visit my brother’s website at least, and get yourself a big mouthful of Foil Super Mario cake: www.bluefuego.com
When I worked at Wizard Magazine in the Research office, it was our job to round up the photos that would go in each month’s magazine. One of these tasks included gathering up the photos for Toy Wishes, the annual kid’s catalog showcasing the year’s “must have ” toys. My jaw dropped when WATER WORMS images hit my inbox from the company. There was no way they were going to put these pictures in a catalog of kids toys, right? Whose Responsible This???:
Then there was the smaller one. You know, for first time water gun users who might be anxious, scared, or shy about handling a full-size water worm.
In a rare moment of restraint and intelligence by Wizard Magazine (actually, thanks to the good sense of long time Wizard designer ex-Wizard designer Arlene So), these promotional art shots of, ahem, “water guns” never ran. Something along these lines finally ran:
Well, that’s a little better, I guess. Still looks like what Cliver Barker keeps underneath his mattress, but okay.
www.waterworms.com is now a defunct website, and even though this was “Australia’s Toy of the Year 2003,” it never caught on here. This vibrating Harry Potter broom, however? Big hit with the teen set.
from http://www.davesdaily.com/
Also, I believe the FCC cracked down on Water Worms, and whoever put out the “Oozinator”:
Christmas is coming quick, and there’s only one hot toy on every kid’s list this year: Finger Pupies!!!
“Cuddly Pets you Wear on Yours Fingers!” I’ll take two, please. And does the big Choking Hazard sticker on the side come standard? Then I’ll take all you’ve got.
I found Finger Pupies in High School not at a Dollar Tree, not at Dane’s Discount, but at Wal-Mart in a big end cap display. And I’ve gotta say, I’m pretty shocked this came from Imperial Toys: they’re the Microsoft of bargain bin toys. They license low-end Spongebob and Marvel stuff, for crying out loud. I would expect this kind of behavior from the company that makes The C.O.R.P.s GI Joe ripoff figures, but c’mon….
And check it out, bargain bin toy company Imperial is the only bargain bin toy company in the world with a (SPOILER ALERT) website! And on that website, a fun “poll zone” question!
What year was Imperial Toy founded? A.) 2008 B.)1986 C.)1969
The correct answer is D.) who gives a shit.This is the crappiest “poll” I’ve ever taken, even topping Facebook’s “Which Lil’ Wayne lyric are you?” poll. The worst part about this “poll?” THEY DON’T TELL YOU THE ANSWER.
Listen assholes, “What Year Was Our Company Founded” is not the kind of thing that’s up for popular debate. Just because 58% of idiots are so bored out of their mind from fingerbanging their Pupies that they take a poll like this, doesn’t make it true or interesting. Is Imperial Toys so shitty, that no one remembers when their own founder woke up one day and said, “Hey! Let’s mass market a finger fucking dog toy!”??
Maybe this poll has a more sinister purpose. Maybe Imperial Toys has secretly designed a time machine so they can take the most popular year to be founded, go back, start their company at that most lucrative of dates, and become retroactively more popular than Hasbro or Mattel. But since they can’t even spell “puppies” right, I think the Flux Capacitor is a few years off.
I’ve got a better poll for Imperial Toys:
How would you not like to die? A.) Choking on Finger Poopies B.) Wearing digit-fornicating pets on yours fingers C.) All of the above.
Ok, so they spell “Puppies” right on the back of the card. I would have just spelled it “Pupies” again to save face, and make it look like I was launching an X-Treme new spelling of “Puppies.”
It doesn’t change the fact that if you sit on a public bus and read aloud “FINGER PUPPIES! FINGER PETS! FINGER PONIES! FINGER ELVIS! FINGER FRITZI AND TABITHA!” you will immediately be tackled by the other passengers, detained until the cops arrive, and forced to go door to door every time you move to a new neighborhood to explain yourself.
