It’s the moment nearly 20 of you have been waiting for…the winner to last Thursday’s first World of Ward Crap contest! The contest was easy, all you had to do was look at this honest-to-god cigarette lighter and tell me “Who is This For?” and you could win the box of crap I’m about to show you.

Your responses ranged from “hilarious” to “spam comment blocked,” and I thank everyone for participating. First, the Honorable Mentions!

Padre Hodges and Zoss were unfortunately disqualified because, while hilarious, the three of us have seen and done unspeakable things with shovels in the desert that have both bonded us for life and voided us from winning each other’s contests:

Padre Hodges said, and I can’t disagree with him:

Registered sex offenders who need a light?

Zoss had a very funny, very inventive twist on They Live:

It’s for Rowdy Roddy Piper. To us, it looks like a trashy novelty lighter, but it’s actually an incredibly sophisticated device that reveals a terrible secret. When Rowdy Roddy lights someone’s cigarette with it, he can tell if the smoker is actually a frog person disguised as a human. Marry and reproduce!

God I wish that were true, to justify the $0.69 I spent on it.

Sharis the Bunny said:

It’s for the cast and crew of JC In Tha Hood.

That’s probably more accurate than we know. Each one of these comments “tickled me” (as the kids say) in their own way…Jeff Sparkman’s blunt “it’s for mouthbreathing fuckshoes,” Denim’s conspiracy theory to confuse future generations how babies are born, NathanW’s feel-good White Trash Epic, Larry Joe’s very depressing tale of aging Midwestern woe, Ashley’s hipster potshot (zing! a pun!)

I had to narrow it down to my three favorites. Goof’s “your mom!” was a solid, classic use of the world’s best put-down, Jason Kinze’s way-too-true “for an 11 year old boy taking up arson as a hobby that hasn’t discovered internet porn yet.” and the WINNER…

POTATOJOE!

Who said…

A confused 78 year old man who thinks it’s an iphone

For the life of me, I can’t think of anything funnier than a man confusing a 69 cent pornographic lighter for the world’s most advanced phone. Great work, potatojoe. Very funny stuff.

“Hello? Grandson? I don’t know how to tell you this, because you’re so young. But…it’s cancer. It’s real bad. Tell your mother..OH GALWDDAMMIT! I HAVE BEEN TALKING INTO THAT KISSING LIGHTER AGAIN!!!”

And here are all the wonderful things Potatojoe wins that you won’t believe! Well, believe it…dreams can come true!