When the producer of Snakes on a Plane asks if you’re a god, you say YES.
It’s with the greatest of pants-tightening enthusiasm I can officially announce that, in addition to this site, I’ll be a regular poster at GEEK WEEK, which officially launched yesterday! I know, I know…you’re used to seeing me write for Fan Belt Quarterly and Fish Hook Enthusiast Digest, so it’s kind of a stretch for me.
I was approached several years ago by Mr. Jeff Katz—producer of Snakes On A Plane, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Shoot ‘Em Up—about a web venture he was working on, and after years of hard work, research and sweat that I had absolutely no part in, the Six Apart team (they designed the Huffington Post) have finally launched this beast. I’d like to think I have a pretty good bullshit detector (working for Wizard Magazine will help you fine tune that sixth sense), and Katz seems to be a guy who’s been on the level with me and knows how to spit game, knows what he wants and how to get it—as anyone who saw his San Diego ComicCon panel can attest.
I’m thrilled to be on board. I like this guy, I like his big ideas, I like his fire and vinegar, I like how he treats creators, and I like that he’s from the Midwest. He’s that perfect storm of Actual Geek and Daft Businessman that could pull this off. And he’s got a little bit of The Joker running through his veins, which is the kind of personality I tend to roll with. And, most of all, I like that my good friend/superb writer Gary Hodges is involved, as well as the only editor I’ve ever worked with who has his face printed on a goddamned thong.
Here’s a great article about Katz in Variety, as one of the 10 Producers to Watch.Personally, I thought Wolverine was a great movie right up until Wolverine stays in that barn, and the farmer forbids him from sticking his penis in any of the three holes. That’s not in the comic book (well, maybe one of Chris Claremont’s later titles).
And, say, here he is on Attack of the Show talking about his new comics brand:
Ok, so up until now it seems like I’m kissing a lot of ass. And while I’m not above that, I am sincere about what I’ve said thus far. So let’s play the Devil’s Advocate: there are tons of “Geek-Centric” websites out there. Maybe too many. Hell, MC Chris said it (I think)…geeks are kind of like the new jocks. And we’re constantly being marketed too, with words like niche-marketing and pre-awareness being bandied about, terms that raise everyone’s BS Terror Alert to “Reddish Orange.” And G4 is…well, G4 is what it is. True blue geeks still think of G4 as a corporate wolf in L33T speak clothing, with no real reason not to. We all know the score, dummies. Olivia Munn can only strut around in that White Queen get-up so many times: baby, I’m bored. My dick is not a rat, and you are not the pied piper. So what’s next?
In the words of Tom Atkins, “Thrill me.”
In the past year, I’ve seen that sites like Topless Robot ,Panels on Pages and the Robot 6 blog (just to mention just a few) can be wonderful models to look up to. After years of working for publications that scream “THE 10 GEEK THINGS YOU GOTTA OWN!” and “BEST COMIC BOOK RACKS! WE TALKIN’ BOUT BOOBS!” (fool’s posturing, basically), these sites are down to earth, candid, transparent, respectful of their audience and—when they’re at their best—there’s some refreshing humility there.
And visitors of those sites know that smart writing and good company brings a smart, fun community along with it. While this post has been a hopeful, forward-looking rah-rah-rah for the industry so far, I’m not naive. I want to make some money doing this—doing what I love to do. It’s all I’m really qualified to do except drive women wild, and I’ve already kissed all the pretty girls.
So, I hope you’ll stop by and comment often, and let me know how I’m doing. A crowd draws a crowd, so please support me and I swear I’ll try to do better at leaving comments at my friend’s websites. I’ve been scattershot at that lately. We do this in a vacuum and any comments are good comments. That’s why I leave up all the hate comments—nothing gets me hawt like the occasional person yelling at me or telling me I suck. I feed off your energy, anonymous, ball-less flame poster. I love you. Let’s have a discussion. Thank you sir, may I have another.
Really: why so serious?
Oh yeah, and I’m occasionally going to use Geek Week posts here at this site. Hey, I’m not stupid. Why work harder? That said, I can now edit videos at my house instead of driving across town, so expect a lot more men in banana hammocks and Ghetto Jesus posts in the near future. Plus, I’m working on two secret projects you’re really, really going to enjoy…
Let’s have a good decade for a change. Happy New Year.
The comics world was abuzz (so abuzz, they were afraid to comment!) upon seeing Watchmen creator Alan Moore’s psychedelic rock band in action, as I first witnessed with terrified eyes over at Topless Robot. This is a big deal for two reasons. 1.) The snake worshipping Moore rarely plays his breed of Showbiz Pizza Place-inspired rock in public, and 2.) It’s the first time in years he’s played with long-time bandmate Kenny Fisher from the film Can’t Hardly Wait
Did someone order a Love Burger…WELL DONE?
After I watched the video, I realized this was all very familiar. I emailed a friend of mine, and—YES—he sent me the only existing footage of Alan Moore’s first performance with The Retro Spankees singing “You Cannot Fart Around With Love” from 1969. I knew we had this laying around! But the real point I’m getting at is this: I’m sick today and don’t feel like doing anything, and by watching this video you will then feel exactly like I feel.
See? I wasn’t joking. Do you feel like doing anything now but taking a good, long shit? Of course you don’t. This video is an audiovisual stool softener.
Shown: Iron & Wine robs the clearance aisle of Kay Jewelers.
And SPEAKING of demons, December 5th is Krampus Day, so be sure to terrify all the children in your life by filling their heads with stories of Santa’s sidekick, Gruff Vom Krampus, an impish, black-tongued Satan who beat children with reeds and rattles chains in their ears. Leave it to Germany. Why, Krampus even has his own, hilarious Twitter page this season! I wonder what person(s) are behind that?
Shown: Giddy Up, Krampus! How can you have any apples if you don’t eat your MEAT!
I won’t go into how we almost got kicked out of the park that morning, but I will do the next best thing: I will reveal, for the first time ever, two really, really funny Ethan Van Sciver stories that simply wouldn’t fit in an Artist of the Year feature.
I found it while digging through some old material, and laughed my ass off at these unbelievable comedy/tragedies, painstakingly transcribed by an unknown, unpaid Wizard intern (thanks, by the way, whoever you were. I hate transcribing interviews).
(TAPE STARTS)
CW: Now, did you ever tell me about any cool pranks that you did [before my tape recorder got wet]?
EVS: Oh, did you get those on tape?
CW: I don’t even know. You mentioned a goat in you kitchen or something…I don’t know if that was a prank.
EVS: That wasn’t a prank, that was god preying on us…
Click through for the craziest story you’ll read this half-hour!
I know what you’re wondering when you see me. How did Chris Ward go from this…
Shown: Most Improved Bowler/Bowl Cut
Shown: Comic writing sensation
….to THIS?
Well, it takes work. You don’t just start signing hundreds of copies of the Barack Obama biography comic (for sale here!) overnight to thousands of people. And selling hundreds of comics to thousands of people….well, that’s just another hard-earned secret of mine.
I found this the other day…it’s an outline of my first comic book, Pumpkinhead (created before I’d heard of the Lance Henriksen vehicle Pumpkinhead, which would shatter my fragile ideas about originality and copyright violation):
What’s that? You can’t read it because it was typed on the last bit of my dad’s fax paper I manage to jam into a typewriter in 1991? Who’s “Pumkin” Head? Well Click through for a scathing look at the origin story of “Pumkin” Head, with typos in tact. I used forensics to make most of it out. And squinted. (more…)
I helped film this. But my buddy Dan Raleigh, the two-time Wizard World Video Contest winner, is the genius behind twisting these nerd’s words. I only wish he’d gotten some of the Wizard brass on camera but, at the time, I worried about getting in trouble. Seems funny now to be scared of such a thing.
My Barack Obama comic book finally hits stands next week (and right at the HEIGHT of his popularity! How lucky for me!), and I thought it would be a fine time to mention that the rumors are true: I wrote a Condoleezza Rice comic book as well, and you can buy it at your local comic shop or, if you must, online here. Believe it or not, I think you’ll like what I did with such a seemingly boring as hell subject.
Amazon lists four authors for some reason. But it’s just me on this one. Need proof? Here’s the first page, which begins the biography of an accomplished and controversial woman the only way I know how: pop culture trivialities! Enjoy, and check out the interview that follows….
And you thought THIS was a bad name for a book. My good friend Gary took it upon himself to send me the book version of a broken bottle rammed in my eyeballs: “Games You Can Play With Your Pussy.” I’ll scan more from this in the days to come, because I don’t think mankind is ready for this yet. In fact, it’s actually better if you don’t know what this book has in it. Here’s two pictures of what’s inside though, and for now, that’s all you’re gonna want to see. Trust me.:
Shown: Nazi Pussy. Also the name of Quentin Tarantino’s next movie.
Shown: The Most Feared Man in Comics. For Some Reason.
A lot is being made today of THIS: some Guy In A Yellow hat (no seriously, that’s the name he goes by…it’s supposed to be funny) went up to Rob Liefeld at Wizard World Chicago 2009, and pretty much tells him “you suck” to Rob’s face, and then proceeds to play a series of douchy little pranks on him.
Comics fans are split: some think this Jim Henson’s Punk’d Babies stunt is funny, fans of being a decent person are outraged, and even comic pros are weighing in and going Rabble Rabble Rabble on the message thread.
Me? I don’t care. Everyone will live. If this is the biggest controversy today, then I sleep easy. Rob will go home to his wonderful family and forget about it, and this Idiot in the Yellow Hat will return to the Baby Gap to try on new baby sun-hats.
Non-comics fans have ZERO idea who Rob Liefeld is, why any of this is controversial and why they should care. My Rob Liefeld tell-all feature for Wizard Magazine would haveexplained that clearly, but it never came out. Because the Legend of Rob Liefeld is truly an amazing story worthy of even non-comic book publications. I say that knowing full well I may re-ignite Rob’s ego. But it’s true.
I truly believe Rob would have loved the article as well. I really tried to be fair about the good and the bad, and separate the man from the oversized-pectoral myth. I owe all my feature subjects that. It wasn’t going to be just another Liefeld Slam Piece.
(And, yes, if anyone’s interested in paying me to complete the story for them, then they can have it. It’s ageless.)
Shown: the thing people always show when they talk about Rob Liefeld. It’s the comic book equivalent of the Zapruder Film, and will be just as over-analyzed and studied 50 years from now.
The drafts spiraled out of control…3000 words….5000 words…there was just too much goodness. My God, it was full of stars. And I was loving it.
I interviewed scores of industry folk who love/despise Rob, did extensive interviews with Rob in person and on the phone, researched the history to the point of madness, transcribed countless pages of the craziest industry stories of all time, had secret sources pointing me to dark little corners, and even had sources call me back and tell me they wanted OUT of the feature because they thought Rob Liefeld might sue them or hurt them!
“He’s been showing up in places I was, and it’s been freaking me out. I think he knows I’m talking to you. I don’t want you to run my quotes anymore. I think he drove by my house and yelled something last night.”—a skiddish Rob Liefeld interview source.
Holy shit, are you serious? It was like the Sopranos, if Tony was feared for the way he drew Captain America.
A lot of shit was going down at Wizard at that time (including me trying to get the hell out of there), and in the process of keeping the magazine afloat, this “evergreen feature” just got shelved. Plus, Wizard was afraid they would get sued, and that it just wouldn’t be worth the trouble (even though everything in my story is completely backed up. It’s an A+ use of my Journalism degree). I think we ran a Casting Call feature that month instead.
Anyway, here’s an unedited taste of part of the first draft, which I suddenly remembered I had lying around when I saw this whole Yellow Hat fiasco, and read some stuff my friend Sean T. Collins said:
“As a matter of fact, I think it’s only the rise of the internet that gives people the impression that it’s okay to be mean to complete strangers in the first place. That some people feel comfortable carrying that behavior over into the real world is borderline sociopathic. We live in a society.”
Jump to read the first part of the unedited, unpublished Wizard feature on Rob Liefeld!
