[NOTE: This post originally ran on Aug. 17, 2009. It's re-printed now because I'm lazy for your enjoyment.]

SO what did you miss this weekend? For one, it was apparently the anniversary of Woodstock. I don’t know about you, but it seems like just yesterday that Trent Reznor was rolling around in that mud and setting squat-o-potties on fire. I only get my news from Yahoo!, and they were all over this story:

Shown: Jimi Hendrix—what HAS he been up to these days? Also, Mona Lisa and Charles Manson: Who Wore It Best?

But for the tens of people who read this blog, you’ll also be interested to know that this weekend, the Illinois State Fair kicked off! And, as usual, there was a lot of incredible, culturally worthwhile stuff to take in.

For only $10, you could have your own Jesus Christ The Supper Star Hat. This hat’s message is loud and clear: Can Jesus eat 200 hot dogs? You bet your ass. Is the invention of Brunch a lie sandwich from the pit of whole wheat hell? Yes indeed, brethren. Will God’s only begotten son always use his fork in a “tines-up” orientation, obeying the utensil etiquette painstakingly laid out in the New Testament? Damn right. And that’s because Jesus Christ is a Supper Star.

Here’s another classy piece for your wardrobe…

“Wow,” some of you may say. “This is what I’ll wear to my job interview.” And you’re in luck, because there were a whole series of these tees.

And THEN, as is custom at the state fair, a lifesize butter carving of DJ Qualls, designed to tie in with Road Trip: Beer Pong (available now on DVD and Blu-Ray!)

Now that’s what I call a QUALL-ity butter sculpture! Now that’s also what I QUALL giant balls on that Butter Cow! Or maybe that’s an udder! Or should I say…BUTTER!

AND FINALLY, an annual trip to the HAM, BACON and PROCESSED BEEF SHOW! Well worth the $35 admission. This year, they flew in a shank cut of smoked ham from Wisconsin, and a Brine Cured, Streaky Bellied Fatback Bacon from, you guessed it, Ham Lake, Minnesota (Town motto: “We Exist!”)

Shown: My wife, surprised that we’re not even close to where I said we were going when we got in the car! Zing-o! That’ll teach her to be a trusting wife!

Shown: My two favorite pictures of me standing in solidarity with meat. The first is from the 2009 Ham, Bacon and Processed Beef “Show,” (which is a bunch of meat behind a fucking window an actual “show” in every respect of the word). The second is my Bacon and Meth-addled mugshot from that weekend at the Ham Lake, MN police department, obtained under the Freedom of Information Act.

I’m about to go to Lollapalooza for three whole days, so I think my new strip is appropriate (click for full size).

—In other news of note, I was right about Tommy Wisseau and the sneaking suspicion I had about his “legal council,” thanks to commenter Rebochan:

Just thought I’d let you know, “John” actually *is* Tommy Wiseau. He got outed in a Harper’s Bazaar article some time back and his little war with The Nostalgia Critic is getting this publicized.

—The JC in the Hood Crew are speaking up. Onward Ghetto Soldiers! (read last comments on page).

In retrospect, this old post from WorstCartoonsEver.com seems tasteless, crass and mean. But, I stand behind it, and am re-posting it here because of Gary Coleman’s recent death. Enjoy this little piece of nostalgia and think of all the wee child actors you grew up with in the eighties. I kid because I love. Some of my best friends are short and named Gary.

Originally Ran 04-21-2009

Now here’s a premise I can get behind: Gary Coleman, except dead.

So, wait… all Gary Coleman has to do is pleasure himself and he returns from the dead? At this rate, he’ll never stay in the grave! BLAST!

Yep, there is something you didn’t think you’d see when you woke up today: a masturbating Gary Coleman angel. Thank you for coming to my website. There’s a comment card on the nightstand. I hope you enjoyed your stay.

Ok, ok…FINE. One more time. And slooower, just for the ladies.

In anticipation of my upcoming animation column, “Celling Out,” at UGO.com, I present this classic Worst Cartoons Ever post. Also, it’s late and I work in the morning.

If there were a way to replay the noise Super President’s doughy sidekick makes right before Steel Man punches him in the face, over and over on an endless loop, I think I would be the happiest person alive. It’s kind of like “HOO GEET!” or “HOON GLEEK!” I’m sure his voice directions were great:

Director: Ok Jerry, in this scene, Steel Man—who is clearly not a man by any stretch—walks into the “impenetrable base.” He does this by walking through the open door. Then, he punches you in the jaw, not killing you instantly. You need to make a noise that captures this.

Voice Actor: How about, Hoon Geet?

Director: Hmm…”Hoon Geet.” I like it, but maybe give me something in a “Hool Jeet.” Oh, hell, you’re the actor: Hoon Geet it is.

Voice Actor: Then what should I say?

Director: Oh nothing. Then we have this scene where the unstoppable Steel Man—who could snap a man like a Baked Lays with his bare hands and is immune to bullets—well, he’s gonna get scared off by a dinging bell, after going to all the trouble of breaking into the place.

I would like to add, upon watching this again, that though NO SECURITY SYSTEM ON EARTH is a match for this robot, Super President sends his powerless sidekick “Jerry” into the fray and is all, “Ehh, call me if you see the killer robot. And remember, he’s got super powers.” Jerry’s just staring at his walkie talkie and pissing his pants.

By the way, if you think the phrase “You were wrong, Sales,” is just bad grammar on the robot’s part, you probably need to watch this post first.

The late night wars are hard for even a lot of Americans to understand. Though, in fairness, most Americans haven’t learned that Ed Hardy pants look ridiculous, and Lady Gaga is an elborate hoax by a Japanese game show. So I can’t fault the Chinese for resorting to turning Conan into the Hulk, Leno into Superman, and Jeff Zucker into…I’m not sure Captain Bald or something….just to explain it. You can see the not-as-funny English version HERE, where you’ll hear that…yes…even the “didn’t get the memo” cliche has made its way into Chinese news, taking its spot alongside those hilarious “human rights violations” cliches. This clip is courtesy of America’s foremost animation expert, Jerry Beck, from his awesome Cartoon Brew website:

And speaking of crappy animation, I guess it’s a good time to announce that I’ve been pegged as the new Animation Guy over at UGO.com! Thanks to my time over at Worst Cartoons Ever, I’ll have a weekly column discussing everything cartoon related. I think the column is tentatively called “Celling Out,” which is a pun on animation cels and the lengths I’ll go to in order to make a buck (Sean T. Collins originally penned this one, I believe. I put out a call-out for catchy names amongst friends. UGO didn’t go for my suggestion…”Acme Sweatshop”…or my friend Ryan’s suggestion, “Cock Garage.” But I’m still holding out hope for “Cock Garage.”)

Also, you’ll probably see classic Chris Ward edits like this as I go:

Translation: Hands off the Masturbating Bear, scum!

I don’t know what you’re doing Monday the 21st and, truly, it doesn’t matter. Because I’m going to the Cat Circus. And any interest I might have shown in “what you’re up” to is purely an act, for my every thought turns to the Acro-Cats: the “Cirque du Soleil” of Feline Circus Acts.
That’s how they describe it.
I would settle for the Flea Brothers Missouri Cats of Squaller Revue. I really wouldn’t care. It’s a cat circus. Heavens, I don’t know what to wear!

Did I mention there will be an appearance by the ROCK-CATS??! I’ve already forgotten about that Pixies show I went to. I thought the Rock Cats was a pretty lame name, after the litany of cat puns on the Circus Cats website (”up close and purr-sonal tour…” “purr-sonality.” Basically, purr puns), until I realized it’s a play on The Rockettes. Come on, Acro-Cats try a little harder. You’ve got a cat on an electric guitar, and while that isn’t as impressive as THIS, it’s worthy of a better name than “Rock Cats.” I mean, off the top of my head I can think of, like, five mediocre ones. “Cat the Wet Sprocket.” “Meow-thew Sweet.” “Digable Planets (and cats)” “Catman Crothers.” “Catthole Surfers.” And that’s mostly just the nineties names!

I mean, LOOK at this shit! YES I WILL BE PAYING MONEY TO SEE THIS, DON’T ASK ME AGAIN!

All this Cat Circus hullaballoo reminded me of one of my all-time favorite interview “gets.” I was just starting out as a writer at the Western Courier, at Western Illinois University. I think this article about the  original Jingle Cats (named, ahem, “Welcome to the Jingle”) really shows its age (ignoring the Making the Band reference), but I still remember how excited I was to get this as a giant cover story in our Entertainment Section, complete with a giant cat head on the cover. I think it’s about time for a follow-up interview with Cheeseball. But it’s still a pretty good story. Get this drama:

“Spalla admits that growing up in Los Angeles, he was always sort of a cat person, but while living in a Beverly Hills apartment, a fateful encounter would eventually lead to the Jingle Cats we know today.

“I found (Cheese Puff). Somebody had locked him in a basement and put poison food in there. And I heard meowing through the air-conditioning system, and I went down there and the door was locked,” he said.

“We broke the lock off and we rescued Cheese Puff. He was real small and he had a giant head because he hadn’t had any food. There was, like, cottage cheese that had poison in it and he wouldn’t eat it.”

Luckily for Cheese Puff, Spalla took him in and even started taking the new pet to his job at a sound effects studio, where he was then recording a version of Jingle Bells.”

And because that cat was saved, I can now welcome you to the stuff of Christmas nightmares…from my Krampus-filled heart to yours….The original Jingle Cats.

I had almost convinced myself I could do this too. But my cat Cricket Sanjaya Ward is fat, and lacks the motivation of her father! If she would only TRY a little harder and APPLY HER DAMN SELF we could be rich she could live out her dreams of SINGING! GOD! THE HENDERSON’S CAT CAN SING, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?

SHOWN: The untold riches denied me and my own pets

My best pals Joe and Izumi (she created the Ewok/Woookie Dance-Off Video!) just had their baby. The kid has probably already crawled up on the bed with them in the middle of the night and sucked their life-energy out of their sleeping mouths, because that’s what babies do. I mourn the free time of my friends but, in fairness, it’s a real cute kid.

I always knew Joe would be a great father, because he’s unafraid to tackle life’s dilemmas head on…with a camera and a bucket full of action figures. From High School, here’s his riveting Teenage Turtle Pregnancy after school special. I love this video because you can tell Joe made this because he wanted to make a movie, not because he wanted 100,000 people to see it. Plus, it’s hilarious…probably one of my all time favorite home movies.
Will Tersha get an abortion? Stick around for the dramatic conclusion….

For the record, Joe kept his egg. Way to go brother.

You were SUPPOSED to get an exclusive interview with Tommy Wisseau from THE ROOM today fresh from San Diego Movie-Con Comic-Con, but for reasons beyond my…okay, okay. The AV lab was closed at the library, and I couldn’t edit it on my Radio Shack TRS-80 computer. And it’s late, and I’m thoroughly drained after watching the Riff Trax commentary for The Room. Instead, you’re getting an unposted video from my other site, Worst Cartoons Ever. If this doesn’t make you feel like dancing, then congratulations: you are a normal member of the human race. Please explain to me:

-How do you do disco teddy bear “IN the playground? Please humor me.

-What that bear sitting alone is thinking of, because it sure as balls isn’t “honey cookies.” Look at this sad sumbitch.

-Why didn’t real-time, screen saver animation catch on?

-How long before these bears were law raped by Barry Gibb’s copyright enforcing dick?

-Why must someone use incredible profanity when describing children’s videos? Because when I watch this, I think it’s clear that I absolutely must. Sorry mom.

-One last question: When a bear’s camel toe is in the rear, is it a moose knuckle? A bear bussy? What the hell is it?!?!

[Chris is en route to San Diego ComiCon, so please enjoy this classic post. Should his plane not make it, a Garfield Butthole Joke will be his rightful legacy]

I was standing inside a Cracker Barrel gift shop (as I do once a week, staring strangers directly in the eye over by the Roy Clark Banjo Box Set section) and this is sitting on the DVD rack. Aside from the obvious question (”Cracker Barrel carries DVDs in addition to breaded okra?”) I had a few more:

Two things you did not know before you read this post: Garfield’s butthole is on his tail, and someone actually greenlit a DVD called “Garfield Fantasies.”

It’s the damnedest thing, because I came across these movies at the very same Cracker Barrel:

So…who’s hungry for Cracker Barrel’s Fireside Country Skillet with Sawmill Gravy? Made with real sawdust!

This classic video is what I like to call “an endurance test.” Sent to me by Professor John Dodd on one of his famous mix-tapes, I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing here. What I love about John’s mix tapes is that they consist of stuff that was probably passed around in weird underground circles in the days before YouTube: dubs of Scarface over Peanuts, vulgar car commercials, Flinstones smoking Winston cigarettes. Stuff no one was supposed to see that, somehow, a select, lucky few got to witness because a friend of a friend they worked with somehow ended up with Porky Pig saying “Son of a Bitch” on a tape. You know, how the early South Park short got around. It’s a “where did this come from?!?” quality, like the crude, Xeroxed office jokes of old starring X-Rated cartoons that end up on the bulletin board at grease monkey garage. It has a charm that YouTube lacks. And since this is also on FunnyOrDie, even less so. But because I can’t make it too all of your houses with my briefcase full of weirdo VHS tapes, here it is on YouTube.

One thing’s for sure, this is why LarryQuest maps didn’t take off in 1993, causing the DotCom bubble to burst once and for all