It’s the moment nearly 20 of you have been waiting for…the winner to last Thursday’s first World of Ward Crap contest! The contest was easy, all you had to do was look at this honest-to-god cigarette lighter and tell me “Who is This For?” and you could win the box of crap I’m about to show you.
Your responses ranged from “hilarious” to “spam comment blocked,” and I thank everyone for participating. First, the Honorable Mentions!
Padre Hodges and Zoss were unfortunately disqualified because, while hilarious, the three of us have seen and done unspeakable things with shovels in the desert that have both bonded us for life and voided us from winning each other’s contests:
Padre Hodges said, and I can’t disagree with him:
Registered sex offenders who need a light?
Zoss had a very funny, very inventive twist on They Live:
It’s for Rowdy Roddy Piper. To us, it looks like a trashy novelty lighter, but it’s actually an incredibly sophisticated device that reveals a terrible secret. When Rowdy Roddy lights someone’s cigarette with it, he can tell if the smoker is actually a frog person disguised as a human. Marry and reproduce!
God I wish that were true, to justify the $0.69 I spent on it.
That’s probably more accurate than we know. Each one of these comments “tickled me” (as the kids say) in their own way…Jeff Sparkman’s blunt “it’s for mouthbreathing fuckshoes,” Denim’s conspiracy theory to confuse future generations how babies are born, NathanW’s feel-good White Trash Epic, Larry Joe’s very depressing tale of aging Midwestern woe, Ashley’s hipster potshot (zing! a pun!)
I had to narrow it down to my three favorites. Goof’s “your mom!” was a solid, classic use of the world’s best put-down, Jason Kinze’s way-too-true “for an 11 year old boy taking up arson as a hobby that hasn’t discovered internet porn yet.” and the WINNER…
POTATOJOE!
Who said…
A confused 78 year old man who thinks it’s an iphone
For the life of me, I can’t think of anything funnier than a man confusing a 69 cent pornographic lighter for the world’s most advanced phone. Great work, potatojoe. Very funny stuff.
“Hello? Grandson? I don’t know how to tell you this, because you’re so young. But…it’s cancer. It’s real bad. Tell your mother..OH GALWDDAMMIT! I HAVE BEEN TALKING INTO THAT KISSING LIGHTER AGAIN!!!”
And here are all the wonderful things Potatojoe wins that you won’t believe! Well, believe it…dreams can come true!
If you look closely enough at anything, you can find the sadness. You can hear the persistent drums of depression, drowning out an otherwise happy pan-flute solo. I’m here to provide that terrible feeling for you, with a series of otherwise harmless things that end up making me feel sad inside. Hope your Monday sucks! NYAH!
Hey! It’s “Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist!” Michael J. Fox’s heartwarming and brave account of his day-to-day struggle with Parkinson’s, and one of the most inspiring testaments to the human spirit on record. Just finding the strength and courage to write this book must have taken so much out of him…
…and now you can own it for the clearance, “gotta get rid of it” price of $5.95. Glenn Beck’s “Arguing With Idiots” remains on the New York Times Best Seller list. [sad trombone!]
Oh Cool! Brokeback Mountain is finally on Blu-Ray! And enough time has passed that we can move past the easy Brokeback Mountain “gay cowboy” jokes that overshadowed it originally, and finally see the movie for what it is: a complex, moving and heartbreaking tale of love and sacrifice…
“…heh, heh. Hey Bobby, check this out. ‘Exclusive Interactive Features.’ Heh. On the Brokeback Mountain Blu-Ray! Haw haw! Whadda you think THOSE are, huh? Jest how interactive are we talking here, HUH? HAW HAW HAW! Let’s go watch Transformers.” [sad trombone!]
Yeah, take THAT Atkins Diet! What’s that? Atkins IS dead? He smashed his head on a icy sidewalk, went into a coma, spent 9 days in the hospital and then died despite the constant prayers of his loved ones? Dude, that’s terrible!
Man, I feel sorry for the people that published this book. They couldn’t have known that, when they were planning the book, a terrible accident would suddenly befall Atki…wait, what’s that? This book was published LESS THAN A YEAR AFTER he died? Now THAT’S a recipe for an eternity in hell! [sad trombone!]
Dad: “I bought you a Smurfs doll, oh favorite daughter of mine!”
Kid: “Yay! I love the Smurfs more than anything!”
Dad: “It comes with a 50th Anniversary GOLD Smurf”
Kid: [throws up all over herself] “OH GOD! OH JESUS, DAD! NO, TAKE IT AWAY!!!”
Dad: What? What’s wrong?
Kid: Don’t you know ANYTHING about the Smurfs backstory, you idiot!? Oh God!! That’s why Gargamel wanted to catch the Smurfs! TO TURN THEM INTO GOLD! That poor Smurf! I can’t unsee it! It haunts my every childhood thought! [throws up blood]
Dad: I’m sorry!!! I’m so sorry!!! GAHHH!!!!! [throws himself out tenth story window, impales self on sad trombone below!]
Cat Toy! It’s for a Cat! Cat Toys for Cats! How fucking novel! [sad trombone!]
If there was ever any doubt in your mind that this vampire shit was getting old, I give you this book from Target. All I want for Christmas is to move to Mexico, where I won’t have to hear about this crap…
Everyone has that one amazing thing they find that no one else in the world has ever seen, and you would never give it up for any price.
This find is mine.
I got it at a Salvation Army for $1, and fell to my knees when the record touched my trembling hands: “Little Richard Miller: Born Without Arms and Legs.”
Shown: An armless, legless gospel singer…the glint of his tour bus reflecting on Jesus’ face. His fountain gushing a warm spray in Jesus’ direction. It’s a good day.
It was too good to be true. And the SONG SELECTION on the back…”In the Shelter of His Arms” is one of them. Really? Is that the best pick for, what appears to be, an escaped victim of the Ice Truck Killer? No way. No goddamned way. This had to be a hoax. Plus, he looked too much like Conan O’ Brian…
But this guy’s the real deal. When I read the back of the album, it was simply the most jaw-dropping and hilarious thing I’d ever seen. I was going to just scan it in so you could read it verbatim, but that’s no fun. Instead, here’s a 12-panel comic that reads exactly as the back of the album reads. Try not to feel worthless after reading this…
Keep Reading for Little Richard Miller’s INSPIRING STORY!!!!
My Barack Obama comic book finally hits stands next week (and right at the HEIGHT of his popularity! How lucky for me!), and I thought it would be a fine time to mention that the rumors are true: I wrote a Condoleezza Rice comic book as well, and you can buy it at your local comic shop or, if you must, online here. Believe it or not, I think you’ll like what I did with such a seemingly boring as hell subject.
Amazon lists four authors for some reason. But it’s just me on this one. Need proof? Here’s the first page, which begins the biography of an accomplished and controversial woman the only way I know how: pop culture trivialities! Enjoy, and check out the interview that follows….
And you thought THIS was a bad name for a book. My good friend Gary took it upon himself to send me the book version of a broken bottle rammed in my eyeballs: “Games You Can Play With Your Pussy.” I’ll scan more from this in the days to come, because I don’t think mankind is ready for this yet. In fact, it’s actually better if you don’t know what this book has in it. Here’s two pictures of what’s inside though, and for now, that’s all you’re gonna want to see. Trust me.:
Shown: Nazi Pussy. Also the name of Quentin Tarantino’s next movie.
This gem was mailed to me from Junkstore Jesse Thompson, who is in a contest with me to find the most effed up crap available on store shelves. I think he may have won with this one. Chapters include:
-Touching and Other Good Things
-He Kissed the Right One First [I'm assuming he means "titty" here. I refuse to delve further.]
-“Isn’t Mom Beautiful?”
-”You Go Take a Hot Bath.”
-When You Give Your Wife a Present
-Re-entry
-”I’ve Got a Problem.”
-The Roving Eye
-Saturday’s Conversation with the Women’s Libbers [This was a very short chapter. They yell "GET OUT!" and he says "Ok, good day now!"]
-The Church-aholic Dad [*Now with booze!]
And, of course….
-Chapter 56: How I rate Myself as a Lover. GAHH!!!! Click more to see my results of that quiz!!!
