Ironically, the fact that my wife would see this card and buy it without hesitation is one of the reasons I married her. This card has the kind of non-committal sentiment that says “let’s make this weirder than it already is”

Being somewhat of a talented Greeting Card designer, I decided to do a little Freelance work for Carlton Cards in Cleveland, OH to expand this fantastic line:

CLICK THROUGH FOR MORE!
(more…)

I’ve been off the radar lately because of a boatload of things in my lap that, sadly, aren’t lap dances. But I would hate to deprive you the chance to have your Monday ruined by coming to my website. Ruining things is what I do. Hope your Monday sucks! BLEAHH!

So was it a coincidence that Conan was canceled after my comic book appeared on his show, or yet another conspiracy against our nation’s Chris Wards? The Chris Ward curse continues, unchallenged! [SAD TROMBONE!]

And speaking of Conan, why does he insist on going by the name “Mrs. Stewart” and tricking me into think Liquid Bluing makes clothes white? [Sad Trombone!!!!]

I took this at the airport. Either security is lax enough where someone can hack in and dick around with the LED sign behind the flight gate, or someone in charge of airplanes thought this was a funny/good idea to put up on their sign. Either way, I feel incredibly safe, thank you for asking! [Ladies and Gentlemen, if you'll turn your attention out the righthand window you'll see we've reached our SAD TROMBOOOOOOOOOONE! destination]

Did you know at Apple stores, there are little Apple viewing areas where you can cram in and sit and watch Apple commercials on an Apple Genius iScreen iTheater on an endless loop? Doesn’t that sound like fun? Doesn’t this seem like, oh I don’t know…. THE MOST IRONIC SHIT EVER?!?!?[SAD TROMBONE!!!]

Hey lady, what did you THINK only 10 skee ball tickets was going to get you? Try a little harder next time. [Photo courtesy the estate of Charles Edward Cheese][SAD ANIMATRONIC TROMBONE!!]

Imagine ALEJANDRO JODOROWSKY being put in charge of the art department for Hollywood’s next batch of tent pole summer films, and you’ve dipped your toes in the waters of madness that make up these nightmarish film posters from Ghana. Yeah, I’m pretty much buying this unassuming book from Amazon, like, immediately.

From Epherma Assemblyman:

In the 1980s video cassette technology made it possible for “mobile
cinema” operators in Ghana to travel from town to town and village to
village creating temporary cinemas…

In order to promote
these showings, artists were hired to paint large posters of the films… The artists were given the
artistic freedom to paint the posters as they desired – often adding
elements that weren’t in the actual films, or without even having seen
the movies…

The artistic freedom that these artists were
given allowed for the creation of some very interesting and sometimes
bizarre posters that, as screenwriter Walter Hill wrote, were quite
often “more interesting than the films.”

Here are a few favorites from the site:

I’m guessing the Marmaduke movie in development ain’t gonna look anything like this. Which is a shame, cause that’s the only way in hell I’m going to see it. But it’s good to see Brian Warner getting work

You remember the theme song for this movie: “Charles in Charge/Up on Days/And Protecting John Connor.” Sure, it wasn’t very catchy, but neither was the alternate title for this Ghana version: “Scott Baio is 45 and Has a Penis Pistol and Rosy Red Nipples.”

This showcases a famous scene from Ghana’s “Poltergiest 2: The Giest is Loose.” I speak, of course, of the finale when a bottle of soda orgasms a blood-drooling demon that craps chainsaws which, in turn, rain down on Craig T. Nelson’s waiting sedan. Then Demon Verne Troyer looks on in delight as Baby Snow White fondles her dollie’s breasts. Splendid piece of cinema. Splen-DID.

This was sort of a catch all poster for Where the Wild Things Are, Twilight: New Moon and Old Dogs (the naked dwarf being Seth Green, and the horned monster being a gorilla rocking him to death. Great comedy: the universal language!)

Dear Ghana House Party poster painter guy: You nailed it, brother. Take a bow. Drop that makeshift paintbrush and let some other fool finish the C.H.U.D. mock-up. You’ve more than earned your weight in goat meat today.

I can conclude that “the spy” refers to the man with the burned off face and “me” refers to the shrieking harpy growing out of his ass. But what I can’t figure out is why this movie isn’t called “I’M ALTERNATELY TERRIFIED OF THE SPY WHO LOOKS LIKE PETER LORRE AND THE FISH WITH THE HAPHAZARDLY CIRCUMCISED TAIL FIN.”

Patrick Swayze, Kelly Lynch and Sam Elliott look better than ever! Now THIS is a poster the screams “blockbuster” the world over! Genius, GENIUS piece of promotional art.

…Ok, ok…I drew this. But If someone could please pass it along to the guy in Ghana hiring people to paint American movies on canvas flour sacks, I’d be forever in your debt. I hear that economy’s booming!

[Thanks to Jesse Thompson for the tip!]

I don’t actually have the time to post…it’s late. Just got home. I just got back from the CAT CIRCUS.

I just watched a cat and a chicken have a bell ringing contest. I watched a bunny drive a red car. I watched a black cat knock some shit over and send other cats running into the crowd. And then we all sang Silent Night as some cat pounded on a drumset. In short, it was awesome. Got a really amazing interview with the wonderful cat women (sexy and single cat women, I might add) involved and I’ll be sharing with you soon where it will appear. Until then, here’s my cat music video again. It pretty much sums up how I feel.

SHOWN: “Hey, it’s your cousin Morris…MORRIS THE CAT….listen, you know that new sound you’ve been looking for? LISTEN TO THIS!!!! [MEOOWEROERERRR....]“

I don’t know what you’re doing Monday the 21st and, truly, it doesn’t matter. Because I’m going to the Cat Circus. And any interest I might have shown in “what you’re up” to is purely an act, for my every thought turns to the Acro-Cats: the “Cirque du Soleil” of Feline Circus Acts.
That’s how they describe it.
I would settle for the Flea Brothers Missouri Cats of Squaller Revue. I really wouldn’t care. It’s a cat circus. Heavens, I don’t know what to wear!

Did I mention there will be an appearance by the ROCK-CATS??! I’ve already forgotten about that Pixies show I went to. I thought the Rock Cats was a pretty lame name, after the litany of cat puns on the Circus Cats website (”up close and purr-sonal tour…” “purr-sonality.” Basically, purr puns), until I realized it’s a play on The Rockettes. Come on, Acro-Cats try a little harder. You’ve got a cat on an electric guitar, and while that isn’t as impressive as THIS, it’s worthy of a better name than “Rock Cats.” I mean, off the top of my head I can think of, like, five mediocre ones. “Cat the Wet Sprocket.” “Meow-thew Sweet.” “Digable Planets (and cats)” “Catman Crothers.” “Catthole Surfers.” And that’s mostly just the nineties names!

I mean, LOOK at this shit! YES I WILL BE PAYING MONEY TO SEE THIS, DON’T ASK ME AGAIN!

All this Cat Circus hullaballoo reminded me of one of my all-time favorite interview “gets.” I was just starting out as a writer at the Western Courier, at Western Illinois University. I think this article about the  original Jingle Cats (named, ahem, “Welcome to the Jingle”) really shows its age (ignoring the Making the Band reference), but I still remember how excited I was to get this as a giant cover story in our Entertainment Section, complete with a giant cat head on the cover. I think it’s about time for a follow-up interview with Cheeseball. But it’s still a pretty good story. Get this drama:

“Spalla admits that growing up in Los Angeles, he was always sort of a cat person, but while living in a Beverly Hills apartment, a fateful encounter would eventually lead to the Jingle Cats we know today.

“I found (Cheese Puff). Somebody had locked him in a basement and put poison food in there. And I heard meowing through the air-conditioning system, and I went down there and the door was locked,” he said.

“We broke the lock off and we rescued Cheese Puff. He was real small and he had a giant head because he hadn’t had any food. There was, like, cottage cheese that had poison in it and he wouldn’t eat it.”

Luckily for Cheese Puff, Spalla took him in and even started taking the new pet to his job at a sound effects studio, where he was then recording a version of Jingle Bells.”

And because that cat was saved, I can now welcome you to the stuff of Christmas nightmares…from my Krampus-filled heart to yours….The original Jingle Cats.

I had almost convinced myself I could do this too. But my cat Cricket Sanjaya Ward is fat, and lacks the motivation of her father! If she would only TRY a little harder and APPLY HER DAMN SELF we could be rich she could live out her dreams of SINGING! GOD! THE HENDERSON’S CAT CAN SING, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?

SHOWN: The untold riches denied me and my own pets

Today is “Cyber Monday,” hot on the heels of “Black Friday” and a prelude to “Lime Green Dell Laptop Buyer’s Remorse Wednesday” and “Take Another Man’s Life to Get Your Hands on a Hamster Toy Piece of Shit Thursday.”

Like you, I avoided the “Big Box” stores altogether last week (I get all my Christmas gifts from Debbie’s heavily trafficked Build Your Toys From Trash website anyway) and hit a few of my own secret spots. Close your eyes and try to imagine opening these gifts on Christmas morning, and then divide that feeling by the number of Kleenex you’ll need to wipe away your tears, and you’ll have a formula for a Celexa-popping Xmas morning, Charlie Brown. As always, hope your Monday SUCKS! BLEAH!

This was sent to me by my friend Kim last year, but I just now got the courage to open an email called “Bag O’ Baby.” This actually brings back funny memories. Last year, I asked my wife for a Bag O’ Baby for Christmas, and imagine the look on her face when she showed up with a Glad Lock bag full of dismembered infant parts and I had to explain that I meant romper cotton onesies! I showed her this picture, and we all had a good laugh (well, except for the baby) and then sold the still-wriggling, pungent remains to The Beatles. But for some reason, this album didn’t make the Beatles Box Set. [SAD RINGO TROMBONE!]

Shown: “HA HA HA HA HA! Everything we do is genius!”

I don’t care if it’s marked down to $2.99…I will not open a box marked “Puppy Surprise.” Not after the Finger Pupies incident, anyway. [SAD TROMBONE!]

2008 Mattel Executive: “Ok, everyone…we’ve just produced 500,000 of, what I believe, will be the hot girl’s toy this year. The IM-ME! It updates the concept of “passing notes” for a new, tech-savvy generation of girls! You see, girls want two things: 1.) Things that are pink. It’s pretty much the only color girls like. 2.)High-tech gossip gizmos. The “IM-Me” takes the chat room…to the CLASS ROOM! Judy, write that down. “From the chat room…to the class room!” just like that, with the dots and the exclamation point. Of course, this may be hard to hide in the classroom, cause it’s big. Also, it beeps loudly. I’ve invested all my money–and I mean all my money–in this thing, I believe in it so strongly. You’re all getting bonuses!”

2009 Mattel Executive: [on phone] “How’s the IM-Me selling? What’s that? Cell phones, you say? Excuse me for one second.” [hangs jacket on chair, leaps out of 3rd story window. Only breaks legs. Dies, quite avoidably, from pulmonary embolism, as a result of DVT Blood Clot, when nurse simply forgets to administer routine Lovenox shot upon his release from hospital. Guilt-ridden nurse kills self.]

There. I hope you’re thoroughly depressed. If not, here’s the actual product description from the website:

It sounds 2good2btru – but it’s 4real! Girls, you no longer have to wait for your turn on the computer, because with IM-Me™ you can stay connected with family and friends from anywhere in the house! IM-Me™ for kids is private, convenient, portable and safe.
Even cooler, you can build your own community of
IM-Me™ friends. Once you’ve exchanged user names,
you’ll be able to instant message your buddies anytime, anywhere. What r u waiting 4? Start IMing now!

Now are you depressed? Good. I’m glad. [SAAAADDDD TROM-BONNNNE!]

The mouse you’re using right now may have more germs than a White Castle toilet seat French Fry. Actually, knowing you, it definitely has more. That’s why I can’t figure out why this mouse wasn’t a big hit. Was it because there’s an entire segment of the population who would NOT LIKE TO HOLD A COMPUTER MOUSE DIRECTLY UNDER A RUNNING FAUCET? Apologies to Howie Mandel, who owns 6. [WACKY SAD TROMBONE!]

Shown: Get it? He hates germs!

Let’s say you’re looking for ideas for your son’s Christmas gift. Your son is 15, and doesn’t really talk to you much anymore. He’s going through that “surfing the net in a locked basement” phase of development. You know how kids are. Well, if he won’t talk to you, there’s nothing wrong with checking out his web history to see what he’s been into these days. Hmm, it seems from 8PM until 3AM every night, he’s “curious” about “farm animals”! Thank god, because there is a Curiosity Kit to help him explore these curiosities! You’re a good mother. Your son is going to love this. [SAD TROMBONE!]

…Oh, and your son is also going to love this Christmas card with his Farm Animal Curiosity Fulfillment Kit. I guess what I mean to say is, even if you run a small time greeting card company, and your budget is lacking in this economy, do find an artist who has enough sense of field and depth of vision to avoid painting scenes where North American Brown Bears appear to discreetly fuck White Tail in front of the baby Jesus. I mean, come on…it’s Christmas. [SAD TROMBONE!]

As if it wasn’t depressing enough that Christmas is coming, and the year’s hottest toys have all been bought up by Richard Gere, here’s a quick look at some more uber-depressing crap to get you through Thanksgiving! Hope your Monday sucks! BLEAHHH!

It sucks when your name is “Max Paternoster” and your favorite yellow slicker is accidentally thrown in a garbage bag headed for the Salvation Army, but even worse when they make you repeat “3st Grade.” Aww, I’ll never get to 8nd Grade at this point! [Sad Trombone!]

The Eye of Sauron’s Girlfriend? Andre the Giant’s Fleshlight? No, it’s supposed to be a Hello Kitty hamper…for kids. Fun fact: did you know that while pornography is legal in Japan, the depiction of pubic hair is not? Has nothing to do with this hamper. I’m just saying. [Sad Trombone!]

It’s a Hello Kitty two-fer! It’s bad enough that a Japanese kid’s icon such as Hello Kitty has been used to market some questionable items in the past, but this time they put her in a bikini. And even that would be fine….if they didn’t out a heart on her chest right where a nipple would be. Still, looks better than Tara Reid’s nipple slip. [Sad Trombone!]

I took this screenshot from YouTube, because I was fascinated how many people wanted to know the answer to the question “Vampires: Is it Real?” These are the same people who want to know “Werewolves: Do They Happening?” and “Twilight Cash-Ins: Is It Ever Stop?”  [Sad Trombones! Is it For Realz?]

Time to put on your funtime cap for the chance to win a box full of wonderful things from me by playing (altogether now…) WHO…IS…THIS….FOR!! [thunderous studio applause]

Why? Because I have free video games and other crap laying around that PR companies have sent me, and Growing Pains trading cards I’ve accumulated…so who knows what you might win! Don’t you like getting stuff in the mail? Don’t you like playing games? Mail order is fun.

First, watch the video below to understand how this simple process works:

Ladies, Gentlemen…WHO IS THIS FOR?

…It’s both the easiest and the most difficult question you’re likely to encounter today. Who is this Tongue Kissing lighter for? Someone had to come up with this product, so who do you think they had in mind? Who said, “I’ve got the perfect butane lighter! It’s a rubbernecked woman jamming her tongue into a dead-behind-the-eyes N’Sync cast-off! And [BLANK] will buy tons of these!” So, just fill in the blank for me.

For example, is this for:
- the Horny Smoker On The Go?
- a man who loves giving gifts, but hates his family?
- the deaf surfer from VH1’s “Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew”?
- Children?

Give me your best responses below, enter as much as you’d like, and I’ll be showering my favorite entry with prizes…GOOD LUCK, GUMSHOES!

Surprise! The Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter toy is still on shelves at weird discount stores, some time after the man’s grisly death! Not to be confused with The Grizzly Man’s death. Either way, the lesson is clear: don’t fuck with nature.

Please, Retail Bargain Chains, do the man the honor of pulling the toy completely, instead of trying to make 0.00025% of the original retail price. Even though Steve Irwin did the celebrity death thing before it was suddenly cool to do the celebrity death thing (ahem…Capt. Lou Albano, I’m looking at you. Why did you have to jump on that bandwagon? I’ll never forgive you for that), there are 6 clear reasons I shouldn’t be allowed to buy this toy:

1. The toy is not in scale with his daughter’s toy: Unacceptable from a toy collector’s standpoint. From a moral standpoint, it really ruins the impact of any tearful reunion of a action figure daughter and her impaled, action figure father.  Also, these are both available at the same discount store, just shelves apart. Somehow, that’s just sick.

2. I can make deceased TV star Steve Irwin hold his own head

3. I can stuff the corpse of deceased TV Star Steve Irwin into the crocodile accessory.

4. I can fashion the head and limbs of once-living TV Star Steve Irwin into a sort-of meat-swastika that rides a crocodile off a cliff

5. I can re-animate the decomposing visage of TV Star Steve Irwin and make it do this…

…And then I can make an animated Gary Coleman show up….

…and then we’ve got a real fiasco on our hands.
Look, I’m not doing this to be crass, but to prove a point. If I can do this stuff with the Steve Irwin toy, tarnishing his legacy, just imagine what some sicko out there could do? It’s too hard to even think about. So please, I implore you bargain bin stores….take this toy off your shelves. Additionally, every single part of that toy is a choking hazard, which is probably why it’s in bargain bins in the first place.

I’ve just noticed that my last three posts or so have been incredibly lurid in nature. I don’t know why. Expect this to continue until all figures and molds of the Steve Irwin toy are destroyed.

Christmas is coming quick, and there’s only one hot toy on every kid’s list this year: Finger Pupies!!!

“Cuddly Pets you Wear on Yours Fingers!” I’ll take two, please. And does the big Choking Hazard sticker on the side come standard? Then I’ll take all you’ve got.

I found Finger Pupies in High School not at a Dollar Tree, not at Dane’s Discount, but at Wal-Mart in a big end cap display. And I’ve gotta say, I’m pretty shocked this came from Imperial Toys: they’re the Microsoft of bargain bin toys. They license low-end Spongebob and Marvel stuff, for crying out loud. I would expect this kind of behavior from the company that makes The C.O.R.P.s GI Joe ripoff figures, but c’mon….

And check it out, bargain bin toy company Imperial is the only bargain bin toy company in the world with a (SPOILER ALERT) website! And on that website, a fun “poll zone” question!

What year was Imperial Toy founded? A.) 2008 B.)1986 C.)1969

The correct answer is D.) who gives a shit. This is the crappiest “poll” I’ve ever taken, even topping Facebook’s “Which Lil’ Wayne lyric are you?” poll. The worst part about this “poll?” THEY DON’T TELL YOU THE  ANSWER.

Listen assholes, “What Year Was Our Company Founded” is not the kind of thing that’s up for popular debate. Just because 58% of idiots are so bored out of their mind from fingerbanging their Pupies that they take a poll like this, doesn’t make it true or interesting. Is Imperial Toys so shitty, that no one remembers when their own founder woke up one day and said, “Hey! Let’s mass market a finger fucking dog toy!”??

Maybe this poll has a more sinister purpose. Maybe Imperial Toys has secretly designed a time machine so they can take the most popular year to be founded, go back, start their company at that most lucrative of dates, and become retroactively more popular than Hasbro or Mattel. But since they can’t even spell “puppies” right, I think the Flux Capacitor is a few years off.

I’ve got a better poll for Imperial Toys:

How would you not like to die? A.) Choking on Finger Poopies B.) Wearing digit-fornicating pets on yours fingers C.) All of the above.

Ok, so they spell “Puppies” right on the back of the card. I would have just spelled it “Pupies” again to save face, and make it look like I was launching an X-Treme new spelling of “Puppies.”

It doesn’t change the fact that if you sit on a public bus and read aloud “FINGER PUPPIES! FINGER PETS! FINGER PONIES! FINGER ELVIS! FINGER FRITZI AND TABITHA!” you will immediately be tackled by the other passengers, detained until the cops arrive, and forced to go door to door every time you move to a new neighborhood to explain yourself.