Note: This is a long entry. Just man up and take the ride. There’s a contest at the very end to win a book called “What’s My Pee Telling Me?” from Chronicle Books and South Park Season 13 on Blu-Ray from Comedy Central.

First things first: My headline is probably misleading, because there are two definitions of “tryst.”

1. An agreement, as between lovers, to meet at a certain time and place.

2. A meeting or meeting place that has been agreed on.

Clearly, I would never intend to meet Gareb Shamus as a lover (though I totally might, have you seen him lately? We’ll get to that) But definition “#2″ deals with our agreed meeting place. Which, in this case, would be something called FaceBook.

Pretty straightforward questions, I think you’ll agree. Important ones, too. I don’t want to toot my own hose but I’m a reporter, you know.

But then something goes horribly wrong between Gareb and I. CLICK THROUGH to find out how Gareb responds to my sexual advances which I just couldn’t contain anymore.

More great news. Gareb and The Beastmaster Hercules are friends. Gareb likes Earth, Wind and Fire.

This is when I start to get a little concerned. You see, Gareb is asking something like 40-50 people an hour to be his friend, I find out, as I watch his page. There’s no comment activity, just friend adding. I’m not going to call it “mass spamming,” because it’s Gareb and he has a track record of sound judgement. We both have that in common, along with nice eyes.

It’s as if Gareb doesn’t actually want to talk to these new friends. So, I wasn’t the unique snowflake I thought I was. I was even getting messages from my close friends and family, asking me who Gareb Shamus was and why they should be his friend. This was strange to me! First: Who doesn’t know Gareb Shamus? He’s only the president of the pop culture universe. Secondly: Could someone be going through ALL MY FRIEND CONTACTS and just adding them willy-nilly? Surely not.

So when I see Bob Almond’s name on Gareb’s friend list….hoo boy. I was concerned for Gareb’s safety. Turns out later, funny story, it’s a different Bob Almond.

Shown: Different Bob Almond. The “nuts” one.

ANYWAYS, Gareb was lucky to have me looking out for him. Then more excitement.

Little egg on my face here. Mickey Rooney wasn’t in The Wrestlers and in the upcoming Iron Man Part Two 3D movie. That was Mickey Rourke. So an appropriate comment would have been “Does Mickey Rooney ever run out of things to complain about on 60 minutes.” But by now, Gareb (or someone…but I think he oversees these pages personally) had been deleting my comments as they went up. Probably for errors like this. I blame myself.

Shown: Actor Mickey Rooney (Night of the Museum, Breakfast With Tiffany) appearing at Wizard World Anaheim.

Shown: Kathy “Kath” Najmi of Snapple Fame. Just letting Gareb know he can contact me about her ‘graph info.

This is just me wanting to know more about this actress, described as known for “playing Aboriginal roles” mostly at Wizard’s official website. I guess that could be construed as racist, but I’m no expert. And the last comment speaks for itself. You know, they always say there are no small rape roles, only small rape actresses. Still, don’t spoil the plot of Unnatural & Accidental for me.

Again: Open foot, insert mouth! Gareb is Jewish and does not celebrate Christmas. After the Easter thing, I feel pretty silly. But I’m happy he gets more gifts.

Out of 3,000 friends, you think their would be more chatter, like there used to be at the Wizard Universe Message Boards. So I’m feeling pretty good about my friend status at this point. So, maybe I get a little cocky. This “Gareb Marriage Clause” thing wasn’t going to happen on its own. I even reached out to some of Gareb’s new friends because, well, we’re all family now, you know?

Just me, making jokes with Billy Dee and Gareb, referencing some of Billy Dee’s fun-filled past. Explaining jokes is a good way to make sure everyone gets it, and really let them in on the fun, too. I’ve been doing this a while so I know what I’m talking about.

Just trying to be helpful again. I worked for Wizard for years, putting together their convention booklets for a little extra holiday cash, so changes happen all the time. I had heard these rumored and thought I’d confirm the rumor and pass them along to this gentleman. I learned this from Rich Johnston, and just carry on the tradition. Not sure if I overstepped my role as a “friend” here, and I don’t expect to be paid for my hard work looking into this, but I have this information on good authority (can’t reveal my source though! You know how it is. Some things are sacred.)

Again, this can’t be disputed.

[rumor light from CBR]

So, I stepped up my enthusiasm. These are all what’s known as “negs” in the Pick-Up Artist Community. I playfully rebuke Gareb, hoping he’ll take the bait. Then I’m hoping to find a dark corner, isolate, look for IOI’s run The Cube on him, go Caveman if I have to, and Kiss/Number Close him. That’s the Mystery Method in action.

But at this point, I’m getting NO response from anyone. I’m beginning to feel alone. And I hate feeling alone. So, I needed to make my true feelings known. Enough of this playing around. I’d kept it bottled up too long as you can tell by my sudden choice of large font.

You’re probably saying to yourself “wow, slow down there Lloyd Dobler,” but you have to understand how long I’ve been holding this inside. All the anger and frustration at Wizard and Gareb Shamus and Editor (not sure of current title?) Mike Cotton…it wasn’t because I was underpaid, overworked, or that my friend’s got screwed over, or that there was despicable and ethically questionable corporate activity, or any of that horse baloney the mainstream media puts out there about the good people at Wizard Entertainment. Pure and simple, I realized how sexually repressed I was, and that I was attracted to these rich, handsome men. Can’t spell it out any better than this. I think the source of most people’s frustration is that they don’t communicate their true feelings with others. Bluntly, I’d like to let Gareb Shamus, his brother and Mike Cotton man-fuck me silly in a public pool setting.

There’s no law against putting your heart on your sleeve, so there you have it guys: my offer on the table. Since Gareb asked me to be his friend on Facebook, not the other way around, I guess the ball’s in his court (or should I say, “my balls“)!

And, maybe one other thing.

Okay, OKAY….I might want to fantasize about making a Human Centipede with him and some other people. If you don’t know what a Human Centipede is already, you might not want to look it up. Unless you’re a romantic at heart, like I am. Of course, at this point, I know none of this could EVER happen. Where would we find the time? And they have to invent a way to make a Human Centipede work. So far, it’s only a movie fantasy like James Cameron’s The Avatars.

So, it’s with a sigh that I realized if wishes were horses, I’d be riding away….

But a boy can dream.

Wow, the Genie is now completely out of the butthole! I’m like a sexual tornado, spinning about. Again, nothing wrong with a little honesty between friends.

I’m not sure if Gareb becoming a fan of the Anaheim Police Department around this time are related. I certainly hope not.

Then FINALLY, my friend Juan joined in the fun of being Gareb’s friend! How do you like my puns? Pretty sicky, eh? ["sicky" means "cool." As in "that's a sicky pun." Oh, it can also mean funny. Depends on your usage.]

So, I had someone to talk to now, which was cool. But it was around this time on Easter Sunday that things went awry. Our comments started disappearing.

So, we had an entire conversation about the Taco Bell peppercorn “black taco” and it all got deleted, so we had to get back on and repeat ourselves. This is exactly the kind of oppression the black taco is always talking about.

In the end, I just kind of gave up on our love. Or what I THOUGHT was our love. I guess I made a mistake. You live and you learn I guess. A wise Thai friend of mine once told me “Love is like Bake the Brownie.” What he means by that is, you have to give love time. Put in all the right ingredients. Let it simmer. Shoot the frosting all over the face of the other brownies, maybe beside the pool. Maybe chain them together in a kind of “Brownie Centipede” of your own creation. You can’t just make it happen in one Easter afternoon, when the most powerful man at Wizard asks you to be his friend. I played my cards all wrong.

Again, me being a silly pants! A little broken-hearted at this point. Feeling a little neglected. But, you know, my mother also has a saying: “They can’t get your goat if they don’t know where it’s tied up.” I guess I’m not sure what she meant by that. One interpretation is that if you don’t let on like something bothers you, then the other person has no power over you. Another interpretation is that some people want their old boss to tie them up like a goat and have their way with them. I think you know which way I’m leaning here. *wink* !!!!

I’m told that Gareb’s page is still going well, with 3,000 friends and counting. Good for them!

I know I can count on all my readers to stop by and say hello to Gareb for me, and send in photo proof for a chance at winning “What’s My Pee Telling Me” from Chronicle Books and an unopened copy of South Park Season 13 on Blu-Ray, from the good folks at Comedy Central!

RULES: Just be sure to show some love to Gareb on his Facebook page and send it to me. Remember: I don’t encourage you to be mean! No one likes a Nasty Nate. Just be as sincere as I am about your true feelings for Gareb, even if those happen to include feelings of love some “prudes” don’t approve of.

One last upside is that Peter Katz, who works closely with Gareb accepted my friendship even after Gareb deleted Juan and I unceremoniously that afternoon.

with the coming of Spring, could love be in the air?

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