Here’s the thing about being an astonishingly talented and sexy writer: it doesn’t pay the bills. And I don’t mean phone bills and electric bills. Oh, heavens no. Those are extravagant fruits I’ve not yet tasted. I’m talking McDonald’s Dollar Menu Bills (I’m running a tab, they know I’m good for it). So occasionally, I take on jobs that: A) payz the billz and B.) providez an endlezz stream of new storiez to tell U guyz LOL. For the next 13 weeks or so, I will be traveling around the country filming Youth Dance Competitions for companies with names like Bravo! and Nexstar! and Headliners! In short: I’ll be videotaping little girls every weekend for money.

Left: What I’m filming every weekend. Right: “I was just doing my job.”

We rolled into Lancaster, PA last week right in the heart of Amish Country. And that night, there was a funny video going around the YouTube about our sudden situation. Except it’s not so funny when you’re sitting in a hotel in Pennsylvania, buried under one of the worst snowstorms in US history.

So besides being stuck in a town with hundreds of dancing children, it got stranger. In fact, everything in this town seemed…very not right. And that’s before I saw an Amish family going down the road, smiling from ear to ear, bundled up and holding a giant keyboard they’d just bought from Target. The town next to Lancaster is called “Intercourse,” for one. Imagine my disappointment after Bryan and I followed the sign for “INTERCOURSE: 10 MILES.”

“Intercourse: Lancaster County is about Families Doing Things Together.”

Then the hits just kept on coming…no pun intended. Was Pennsylvania founded by 13 year old boys?

And, of course, to get to Intercourse you have to first drive through Blue Ball (traffic is really backed up there. Just painful). From there you can get to Paradise, and eventually Fertility.

This is all very unfortunate. Probably as unfortunate as the town’s main liquor store being literally right next door to its rehab center. “Lord grant me the serenity to…aww, fuck it. Jager bombs are calling my name!”

THIS WEEK’S STOP: NASHVILLE, TN…where I’ll be staying with Junkstore Jesse! Stay tuned….

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