I don’t have a strong reaction to Brittany Murphy’s death, except that its unfortunate for those who actually knew her, like her immediate family. I don’t even know if her name has one or two ‘Ts’ in it. It is not my place to act personally sad. That would be awful of me to do.

The last time I thought about her was actually yesterday at the video store when I was in the New Releases, and I was really noticing her on a lot of direct-to-video cover art. And I briefly thought, “She was really big at one point, and now she’s in all this crap, how does that happen?” and started thinking vaguely about actors and their career arcs, and how some actors fall out of favor for no reason, or because of bad management, or whatever. And how it was mean of SNL to do a bit on her last week, because she’s not even in the public spotlight, so the whole thing was weird and awkwardly cruel.

And I thought about Jon Heder, and Brittany Murphy, and Jason Biggs and some other people as I walked around the video store daydreaming, wondering why I was in a video store at all since I have a Netflix account, going through the motions, bored on my day off. And then I got a pizza. And that’s pretty much it.

But what really jumps out at me is a sudden onset of Rorschach-level hatred for all of humanity when I make the mistake of going somewhere like Twitter on the day a celebrity dies. You see stuff like this:

Hey, that’s cool. Ninja terrorists have feelings for actresses who were barely on their radar half a minute ago. Thanks for sharing you, and the hundreds like you.

*sigh*. Goddammit. Really? Die in a fire. I guess this is to be expected though. Doesn’t make it any less depressing.

If you are one of these people who say “unexpected celebrity death” and act shocked and affected, please accept my invitation to eat a three handfuls of staples and shit office supplies. You are a moron. Chalk one up for you. Deaths are either expected or unexpected…celebrity doesn’t enter into it. And, since 99.9% of people don’t actually know this celebrity personally, you can bet it’s unexpected to you personally you mouth-breathing troglodyte. Besides, who wakes up thinking “I wouldn’t be surprised if a celebrity died today! Nope, this is the perfect day for that! And, hey, what do you know…one DID!” Idiot.

Also, when it seems like a lot of “celebrities” are dying, try to remember that A.) a celebrity dies every single day in the world and B.) Everyone is famous now and every moment of every thing is on Twitter…

This is the most depressing headline I’ve ever read. Read it again. This is the scene in Back to the Future II when Marty McFly comes to the future and Ronald Reagan’s hologram head serves him a fucking Pepsi.

You’re living it.

You are a stranger in the most unfavorable, awful, vapid, dystopian future you can imagine. It’s really happening. Except you don’t have a flying time machine to go back to normal. You’re fucking stuck here and the world is staring down at you and reminding you every single day that “HOVERBOARDS DON’T GO ON WATER.” Didn’t you know that, dumbshit? That’s what I think when I’m on the internet sometimes: I’m the only one who keeps trying to make a hoverboard go on water, and even the little kid with the pink Mattel board knows better. I’m never going to get it. I’m old and getting older. It’s too late for me.

You wake up and realize you’re not Marty McFly–a cool, mistunderstood transplant from another era–but you’re actually old Biff Tannen, sad and alone and talking to yourself about some Sports Almanac and fated to have manure dumped on you every 5-10 years. There’s no going back.

So read this headline outloud. Keep reading it. Fight the urge to drink a pint of Drano afterwards…

And then you get to this: Ashton Kutcher’s “Death Tweet.”

When I die, if the people closest to me write little 140 character 0BiTuaRIE$ and say “2day we lost xxChrisxx Ward to the Freek Gatorz Accident” and SHARE them with the world, I will drag Brittany Murphy’s soul up with me from hell, and together we will wage unholy war on Earth with fucking burning fire and suffering and gnashing of teeth you can’t possibly imagine. If you needed another reason to root for the Earth to heat up and kill us all, this is it. “See you on the other side kid.” You flippant twits.

You bunch of flippant twits.

Sad. Trombone.

Shown: Last known photo of Ms. Murphy from Perez Hilton. What a guy. He adds “Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love take note: that could have been YOU!” Well, I’m just glad it’s not you, Perez.

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