I don’t know what you’re doing Monday the 21st and, truly, it doesn’t matter. Because I’m going to the Cat Circus. And any interest I might have shown in “what you’re up” to is purely an act, for my every thought turns to the Acro-Cats: the “Cirque du Soleil” of Feline Circus Acts.
That’s how they describe it.
I would settle for the Flea Brothers Missouri Cats of Squaller Revue. I really wouldn’t care. It’s a cat circus. Heavens, I don’t know what to wear!

Did I mention there will be an appearance by the ROCK-CATS??! I’ve already forgotten about that Pixies show I went to. I thought the Rock Cats was a pretty lame name, after the litany of cat puns on the Circus Cats website (”up close and purr-sonal tour…” “purr-sonality.” Basically, purr puns), until I realized it’s a play on The Rockettes. Come on, Acro-Cats try a little harder. You’ve got a cat on an electric guitar, and while that isn’t as impressive as THIS, it’s worthy of a better name than “Rock Cats.” I mean, off the top of my head I can think of, like, five mediocre ones. “Cat the Wet Sprocket.” “Meow-thew Sweet.” “Digable Planets (and cats)” “Catman Crothers.” “Catthole Surfers.” And that’s mostly just the nineties names!

I mean, LOOK at this shit! YES I WILL BE PAYING MONEY TO SEE THIS, DON’T ASK ME AGAIN!

All this Cat Circus hullaballoo reminded me of one of my all-time favorite interview “gets.” I was just starting out as a writer at the Western Courier, at Western Illinois University. I think this article about the  original Jingle Cats (named, ahem, “Welcome to the Jingle”) really shows its age (ignoring the Making the Band reference), but I still remember how excited I was to get this as a giant cover story in our Entertainment Section, complete with a giant cat head on the cover. I think it’s about time for a follow-up interview with Cheeseball. But it’s still a pretty good story. Get this drama:

“Spalla admits that growing up in Los Angeles, he was always sort of a cat person, but while living in a Beverly Hills apartment, a fateful encounter would eventually lead to the Jingle Cats we know today.

“I found (Cheese Puff). Somebody had locked him in a basement and put poison food in there. And I heard meowing through the air-conditioning system, and I went down there and the door was locked,” he said.

“We broke the lock off and we rescued Cheese Puff. He was real small and he had a giant head because he hadn’t had any food. There was, like, cottage cheese that had poison in it and he wouldn’t eat it.”

Luckily for Cheese Puff, Spalla took him in and even started taking the new pet to his job at a sound effects studio, where he was then recording a version of Jingle Bells.”

And because that cat was saved, I can now welcome you to the stuff of Christmas nightmares…from my Krampus-filled heart to yours….The original Jingle Cats.

I had almost convinced myself I could do this too. But my cat Cricket Sanjaya Ward is fat, and lacks the motivation of her father! If she would only TRY a little harder and APPLY HER DAMN SELF we could be rich she could live out her dreams of SINGING! GOD! THE HENDERSON’S CAT CAN SING, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?

SHOWN: The untold riches denied me and my own pets

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