If you look closely enough at anything, you can find the sadness. You can hear the persistent drums of depression, drowning out an otherwise happy pan-flute solo. I’m here to provide that terrible feeling for you, with a series of otherwise harmless things that end up making me feel sad inside. Hope your Monday sucks! NYAH!

Hey! It’s “Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist!” Michael J. Fox’s heartwarming and brave account of his day-to-day struggle with Parkinson’s, and one of the most inspiring testaments to the human spirit on record. Just finding the strength and courage to write this book must have taken so much out of him…

…and now you can own it for the clearance, “gotta get rid of it” price of $5.95. Glenn Beck’s “Arguing With Idiots” remains on the New York Times Best Seller list. [sad trombone!]

Oh Cool! Brokeback Mountain is finally on Blu-Ray! And enough time has passed that we can move past the easy Brokeback Mountain “gay cowboy” jokes that overshadowed it originally, and finally see the movie for what it is: a complex, moving and heartbreaking tale of love and sacrifice…

“…heh, heh. Hey Bobby, check this out. ‘Exclusive Interactive Features.’ Heh. On the Brokeback Mountain Blu-Ray! Haw haw! Whadda you think THOSE are, huh?  Jest how interactive are we talking here, HUH? HAW HAW HAW! Let’s go watch Transformers.” [sad trombone!]

Yeah, take THAT Atkins Diet! What’s that? Atkins IS dead? He smashed his head on a icy sidewalk, went into a coma, spent 9 days in the hospital and then died despite the constant prayers of his loved ones? Dude, that’s terrible!

Man, I feel sorry for the people that published this book. They couldn’t have known that, when they were planning the book, a terrible accident would suddenly befall Atki…wait, what’s that? This book was published LESS THAN A YEAR AFTER he died? Now THAT’S a recipe for an eternity in hell! [sad trombone!]

Dad: “I bought you a Smurfs doll, oh favorite daughter of mine!”

Kid: “Yay! I love the Smurfs more than anything!”

Dad: “It comes with a 50th Anniversary GOLD Smurf”

Kid: [throws up all over herself] “OH GOD! OH JESUS, DAD! NO, TAKE IT AWAY!!!”

Dad: What? What’s wrong?

Kid: Don’t you know ANYTHING about the Smurfs backstory, you idiot!? Oh God!! That’s why Gargamel wanted to catch the Smurfs! TO TURN THEM INTO GOLD!  That poor Smurf! I can’t unsee it! It haunts my every childhood thought! [throws up blood]

Dad: I’m sorry!!! I’m so sorry!!! GAHHH!!!!! [throws himself out tenth story window, impales self on sad trombone below!]

Cat Toy! It’s for a Cat! Cat Toys for Cats! How fucking novel! [sad trombone!]

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