A magical thing hit the internet yesterday. And it finally allows me to tell an amazing story that I’ve been waiting to tell for years. If you’re not “in the comic industry,” (and, lord knows, I barely am at this point) you may want to skip to the hilarious audio bits at the Jump.

Because, at its heart, this post is about a shitty band. The world’s shittiest band. The band that drove Scott Kurtz to the place of madness he is now. The band Court Jester.

But why not hear the whole amazing tale, hmm? Why not dip your toes into the daily cry-baby shenanigans that make up The Comics Industry, won’t you?

CLICK THROUGH TO EXPERIENCE SCOTT KURTZ’S WILDEST NIGHTMARE!

Yesterday, Scott Kurtz, outspoken creator the comic/cartoon PvP, (shown above) published a fabulous response to a Wizard Magazine come-on, after they attempted to get him to appear at an upcoming comic book convention using an impersonal form letter. Apparently, Wizard had not seen this Kurtz Tweet mere weeks before:

I wanted to tweet this last night but it was 3am and everyone was asleep. Gereb [sic] Shamus is a total douche and Wizard is a fucking blight

and this….

Hey Gereb [sic], you can rename your shitty Wizard World cons anything you want. You’re still a douche and your shows still suck.

So, as you can see, Kurtz enjoys Wizard World Conventions about as much as the Tin Man enjoys his dick rusting to his leg.

The Letter—which you can READ HERE—and Wizard Magazine deserve each vehement tirade they get from Scott and even higher ups at Marvel Comics. Wizard mistakenly addresses him as “Kurt.” They’re oblivious to his public, righteously angry outrages. They tout a “growing celebrity list” as some bizarre incentive to come, which is exactly the kind of thing that bleeding-ink comic creators like Kurtz are railing against.

Now, I’ve always liked Scott and his work. We’ve talked in the past, and it was always amiable. I like that he’s making a lot of noise about what he stands for, even if continuously talking about Wizard makes it never go away. I’m enjoying the current war of words.

But when Scott’s brain REALLY went tits over elbow? When he finally said “that’s it..I’ve HAD it with this company treating me like shit at their conventions?”

Well, I was there.

You may have read Kurtz’s response to this story at (now Wizard salaried) gossip monger Rich Johnston’s comic site. Here’s part of it…:

I’ve only attended the Wizard World Texas show and both times I attended as an exhibitor and the one time I attended as a con-goer I was treated like utter shit by the staffers. I was charged way too much for booth space, and basically was bullied by the people running the show.

One year out booth was right next to that of a band blaring their music so loud into our space we couldn’t hear our customers talking to us.

Turns out that the band is good friends with some of the staffers so they got to continue blaring their shitty music and we got handled and laughed at. LAUGHED AT. Like we were on a school-yard.

And now I ask you: how familiar are you with music as torture? Our military uses music as torture. They set up camp outside the target, and play things like N-SYNC and Miley Cyrus at full volume until the enemy’s bladder gives way and the come out crying.

Shown: a small picture of 1/5 of the band Court Jester. All you need to see. And look at that logo!

Music Torture is pretty much what Wizard Entertainment allowed “rock band” Court Jester to engage in, for three days straight, 3 inches from Scott Kurtz’ expensive booth.

Until he lost his mind.

And since MY booth was just across from Scott’s, I got to enjoy the fun as well. Here’s a snippet of what he and I heard on a loop all weekend. A little song called WELCOME TO HELL. Wait for the chorus:

“We pass Joe’s Tav-er-en!” The word “tavern” now has 3 syllables apparently. Such is the talent of Court Jester. That, and a voice that could move mountains.

So I’m there, sitting at a booth with DC artist Ethan Van Sciver, and he and I are just LOOOOSING IT over this song. Actually, this experience is probably why we’re friends today. It was like going through trauma together. It bonded us forever. We thought these guys were such Olympic-Class douches, and we’re so tired, and the music’s so loud and so awful…and it was kind of funny, too. I mean, we FELT like we were in hell, and here’s a literal manifestation of hell, right in our ears: “Welcome to Hell, Chris. Welcome to Hell, Ethan. Welcome to Hell, Scott. Welcome to Hay-ell-elll!!!!”

To be honest, THIS is what we were actually hearing in our minds for hours straight:

Here’s the other thing: back then, Scott Kurtz was a lot heavier. He was a really, really big guy. And I say was, because he has lost a ton of weight. So Scott wasn’t going to be getting up from his chair to tell these talentless, no-business-at-a-comic-convention, Lynerrrd Skynerrrrd wannabes to TURN DOWN THEIR FUCKING MUSIC. Nor should he have had to. But Court Jester were friends of Wizard brass running the show, so they continued doing everything a bunch of unassuming, yambag-hugging leather pants wearing dick-nozzles would normally do.

And here’s the best part of the story. One of Scott’s fans, who happens to be deaf, goes over to Court Jester’s booth and starts signing things like “You suck!” and “You are assholes!” at the band. Band has no idea what to do. Band is laughing. It’s awkward. So, the Court Jester SIGNS A CD FOR THE DEAF FAN AND GIVES IT TO THEM.

Let that sink in.

Without missing a beat, the deaf PvP fan TAKES the CD, takes a Sharpie, writes “I’m DEAF. What the HELL am I supposed to do with THIS?!?” and gives it back to them.

Here are some more of the hits we heard that weekend. Hits like “Gina“:

In case you didn’t catch that, the lyrics are “Gina’s seventeen, you know what I mean.” No, I don’t know what you mean. You mean she’s sixteen, you tone deaf pederast? ”

And here’s a song called All Hallows Eve that made Rob Bricken and I laugh so hard, we couldn’t breathe. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed this hard to this day. I may have died right there in the airport, listening to it with him. It starts off by ripping off Halloween…and then….something wonderful takes place.Turn this one up and prepare to grab your sides:

The song goes on to say “You laughed at the story of Ichabob Crane/Prepare to die at the hands of the insane.” Who in the hell is IchaBOB Crane? Seriously…IchaBOB Crane?!?!

Shown: Icky. Bob Crane.

And then there’s “Ugly,” a song that I DID NOT edit. Seriously, it sounds like this on the album, even though there are swears in every song up until this point…

…Even though the don’t censor the lyrical bon mot “Femi-Nazi Bitch rider/Take me on a helicopter/show me how it’s done/Lookin’ out for number one!”

So you tell me…wouldn’t you go batshit insane if you had to deal with all this? Wouldn’t that put you over the edge? Wouldn’t you shoot off a few rounds into someone responsible, instead of shooting off a few angry Tweets?!? Maybe instead of Wizard World cons, Scott will want to switch to a show run by fellow jilted, fired Wizard employee Karen Evora? Maybe she will understand.

Oh, wait…here’s Karen in Court Jester’s hotel room at Wizard World Texas. Apparently, she’s one of the big, corporate brass fans who encouraged them. Jesus…someone put me on a helicopter. Show me how it’s done.

Shown: Welcome to Hell.

Related posts:

1. Convention SUCCESS stories #1: A New Hope Shown: Look at that sexy bitch! Also, look at...
2. Convention Horror Stories #1: Margot Kidder’s Hall Pass Shown: Actress Margot Kidder demonstrates the acting method known...
3. 45 Horror Movies in 31 DAYS!! A MEGA REVIEW! One of my favorite Halloween traditions is an annual...
4. Ethan Van Sciver’s Artwork: STOLEN! From left to right: Ethan Van Sciver, Sharis Van...
5. Condoleezza Rice meets Led Zeppelin My Barack Obama comic book finally hits stands next week...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.