What you’re looking at is the FRONT of a new Hallmark Sound Effects Greeting Card! I got this one for my best bud Bryan, who turns twentyssldfsdf later this week!

And, if you’re like me—wandering the greeting card aisle at 3 in the morning holding kitty litter and Drano, convincing the cashier I’m not making a bomb of some sort—then this kind of thing would excite you very much. Especially because there’s a Pac-Man and Tetris card, too.

When you open the Galaga card, you’re treated to the mind-blowing Galaga fanfare and nearly 30 seconds of gameplay noise that must sound incredibly irritating to anyone born after 1991.

You also get this awesomely obscene greeting card message that, frankly, feels a little out of place on a card about one of my favorite childhood arcade games.

Wha, wha, WHA?!?! Two “SHIPS”? Did Hallmark just release a Galaga card that makes a “shit” joke? Wow. Just…wow. What the frak, indeed.

So I have to wonder, what’s next from Hallmark? Well, here’s what’s coming. It’s all there at Hallmark’s Official Website:

I like this Bonk’s Adventure Card. Very classy. Due this fall.

I always wondered what Q-Bert was saying. Now I understand he’s a heartless bastard, and he deserves what’s coming to him from that purple snake.

Ok, I’ll admit…this last card is a fake. I just Photoshopped two ghosts over this actual card I found in the back of this old junk store called Travellin’ Treasures. And that’s all this card is: a fatass lady smothering this poor dude/corpse, and you open up the card and it says “TIT MAN.” I’m going to mail it to a stranger I think.

Thank Jesus greeting cards didn’t have built-in sound effects chips at Spencer’s Gifts in 1984.

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