Shown: The Good News is Your Dates are Here, the Bad News is They’re Androgenous Fuck-Bots from Dooms-town.

How much would you pay for a electrical current to run through your face skin using a 9Volt battery and blue telephone cord? What if it came with a dial that ratcheted up the intensity, much like the water torture device from the Princess Bride? In 1999, Linda Evans thought $200 sounded about right. 10 years later, the incredible store Tuesday Morning (named as such because a truckload of new, awful shit arrives EVERY Tuesday morning, right on cue, as fatties line up for new clown ceramics) had this puppy marked down to only $8! I bought two. In retrospect, I should have bought 1,000—Now, my jackbooted, blue droid army will never march into your town whisper-chanting “More Human Than Human” and cutting things off people with scissors. A shame, really.

I took the liberty of hooking the included VHS instructional tape, running the feed through a captive baby’s brain (don’t worry, it’s an Experiment Baby set up for things like this. His mother didn’t want him and no one will miss him) and recording the combined output. Here’s what we got. Watch it with someone you love:

Click through to see how the mask performs IN A PARTY SETTING!!!!!

Shown: Junkstore Jesse T’s birthday/New Year’s Eve 2009 Bash!

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