Every night I spend alone in my wood-paneled basement leads me to the same conclusion: I wish I could play a VCR Mystery Game with self-decapitating robots. Apparently, the purpose of this game is to save the Earth from robots, which kind of goes against Issac Assimov’s Three Laws of Robotics. But a game where you’re just ordering robots around wouldn’t be too fun, I guess. So instead, the game involves a robot ripping it’s own head off and coldly relaying that “you’ve made a mistake” before it, I assume, uses your intestines as a leash for its Robot Dog. Good, clean, terrifying fun for all. “Wanna come over? I’ve got this game where Robot Paul Reiser tears off its own head to prove a point. It’s for up to 4 players? No? Ok, maybe some other time! Just text me if you change your mind! I have no friends LOL.”
Let’s watch the commercial, as I imagine it in my mind. Thanks to Gary Hodges for passing this tape along!
“Within 5 minutes, you’ll be on one of 256 possible courses to save the galaxy.” It’s like the Butterfly Effect, if the fabric of time were limited to 80 minutes of SLP video!
This is an Amway propaganda tape I picked up about the dangers of common, every day tap water. She’s just watching out for her children’s interests, at the end of the day. Good for her.
Harvey gave me this before he sped away in his crappy car back in 2005 I think.
If he could see it, this would be the biggest day of Harvey Pekar’s life. All these people talking about him, reminiscing about his life and work…I can see that shit-eating grin crawl over his face right now. Man, he would have loved this. My wife woke me up this news, and I’ve been having a hard time processing it. I should have called Harvey more. He loved getting phone calls and letters. We both shared a love of attention and need for approval.
The last time I talked to Harvey in person was at his house in Cleveland. My wife and I had left New York behind, and he had mentioned we should stop by on our way back to Illinois. I called him once we got closer, and we were still debating if we should stop or not. We had Champ with us in the back, we’d been driving all day, it was kind of out of the way, etc., etc., etc….
I called, and he sounded pretty bad. Like, worse than usual. Joyce was leaving him, he said. She’d had it. I didn’t know what to say…what do you say to the most famously depressed man, on the most depressing day of his life? He kept insisting we come over, and I could tell he really wanted us to.
So we pull up, crack the windows for Champ and all I could think about was someone getting into my car. I’m really uptight about things being locked, even though I come from a town where no one locks anything. And one of my biggest fears is my cat getting loose. My car getting broken into and my cat getting loose in Cleveland ranks right up there. I remember that’s really what I was thinking about. My shit.
So we go in the house and it’s a mess of course, and there are jazz records and shit everywhere kind of like your house. Harvey had a passion for jazz, and that’s the one thing we never really talked about. He cleared an area for Sarah and I to sit, and had us sit down. He was real depressed, mumbling and growling and all that. DC had recently decided to put out American Splendor again, and he wanted me to look at his first story.
It was about a diner that was closing…some famous Cleveland diner. He had it all laid out in these stick figures, and hand written text. It was like comics I made as a kid. And then we just sit there in fucking SILENCE as I read this thing, and my wife watches me read this thing, and Harvey stares at me with this unblinking, big-eyed stare of his. Like, he’s on the edge of his seat just staring at me while I read.
So he’s clearly having an anxiety attack because I’m reading his work, and he wants to know what I think. Harvey Pekar wants to know what I think. I still can’t get over this part. And I can barely focus on the comic, because I’m afraid to say anything. I make sure to laugh where I think I should, and say “Hmm” like a doctor would. But all I can think about is my cat, my shit, and Harvey’s feelings, and Joyce leaving, and all that. I said “you’ve got something here” and “here’s what I like” and “here’s what you should do here” and all this stuff. Kind of tip-toeing around being critical, but not wanting be obviously kissing his ass, or phony. He wouldn’t respect that. Sarah, at this point, is jumping out of her skin she’s so uncomfortable. She only knew Harvey from the movie, and suddenly she’s in his living room, eyeball to buggy eyeball.
I remember him thanking me for my input. I remember some small talk about New York, and moving. I remember him saying he thought I was talented, and if I ever wrote something I should pass it to him, and he could try to get it published. I remember looking that gift horse in the mouth. I remember my drinking getting pretty bad when I moved home, and calling him and everyone else less and less. I can’t remember the last time we talked on the phone, or what it was about. I haven’t talked to Harvey in a long time. I took him for granted. And now that’s that.
I think this is one of the last recorded conversations we had, I was digging through my notes and quotes from that time. It was almost 5 years ago to the day I was lucky enough to spend an entire, uninterrupted day with Harvey Pekar. He wasn’t just an interview subject, but a friend who has had one of the biggest impacts on my personal and creative life. Here’s just bit of our conversation from my notes about that feature. The thing I’ve really taken away from this day is that I’ll always be a lot like Harvey: I’m never happy until the work is done, and the work is never done. My heart goes out to Joyce and Danielle, and everyone else with stories exactly like mine.
PEKAR CEMETARY QUOTES.DOC
[we get to the hospital Harvey worked at and decide just to drive by]
HARVEY: There probably won’t be anyone at the hospital I know. Well, I suppose if I went around and looked for them I could find somebody I know—you know, the clerks and stuff like that are off on the weekend. It’s also a matter of getting through security and stuff like that.
Toby’s always been an interesting character. He’s an interesting guy. I always thought, you know, he’s been shit on for a lot of his life. Especially when he was going to school and kids would pick on him and stuff like that. But, you know, he’s a bright guy I just think he’s autistic. He fits the textbook description of Asperger’s Disease so well.
[Near cemetery]
This is where President Garfield was buried. They’ve got a big tomb for him and stuff like that. I think Rockefeller’s buried in there.
This is morbid of me but what would you like you’re tombstone to say?
I haven’t thought about that. I haven’t particularly thought about that. When I’m dead I’m assuming I won’t be hovering around watching in the form of a ghost.
Do you have any beliefs in the afterlife? Is there something else?
No.
So this is as good as it gets?
Well, I haven’t seen anything to make me think…I mean, I’m not dogmatic about it or anything. There’s so much we don’t know—we certainly don’t know a lot more than we know. I mean, anything could happen. Anything could turn out to be true, anything’s possible I guess. I mean, I don’t think about the afterlife much. It’d be nice if there was one.
What do you look for in artwork and writing? What impresses you?
Oh, I don’t know. I look for what I consider accuracy. Accuracy in dialogue, I guess. Realism is one thing I look for.
What do you think about the human condition in general?
Things are getting worse. I think the reason it’s getting worse is because you’ve got all these ecological disasters hanging in the balance now. I mean, things have gotten to a point where you either deal with this or the future of the human race is in severe jeopardy. You know, we don’t know exactly what global warming can do but there’s a lot of scary shit about it. And you know, people are running out of oil and are not trying to come up with some kind of substitute. They’re just putting it off like Bush is.
Are you still a vegetarian?
Yeah. I mean, I’ve never had any problems with it. I can usually get a salad most places.
[at cemetery looking out at Cleveland]
This is, you know, the first time my wife ever appeared in an American Splendor story. It’s called ‘The Garfield Monument’ or Memorial or something.
Do you come places like this to relax?
No. I’m more relaxed at home. At home in bed.
Are you still interested in the mundanties of life or is the subject just something that pays the bills?
I don’t know anything else! If it’s not mundane I haven’t had any experience with it. [laughs]
You talk about getting more notoriety and approval. At what point would you decide ‘I’m famous enough’ and be happy?
I don’t know if I’ll ever reach that point [smiles]. I like praise and attention, there’s no doubt about that. I could still stand a lot more of it before I collapse.
What kind of stuff makes you laugh?
What I have a scholarly interest in is the experimental humor of the ‘50s and ‘60s like Lenny Bruce and stuff like that. I just wrote and article about a guy named Lord Buckly. And Andy Kaufman, that kind of stuff too.
[we are utterly lost driving around in the cemetery]
Do you watch films?
Not really. My wife has to pretty much drag me to see a film. The last one we saw was ‘Star Wars’ [Episode III]. It was terrible. I mean, it was just totally chaotic. All these crazy fight scenes and…[sighs]
Have you ever been surprised by someone who knows who you are?
I was surprised Johnathan Demme knew who I was and wanted to make a film based on my stuff. Every once and a while I’ll hear about an actor or something who knows me. Turns out Steve Buscemi likes my work.
I didn’t look at that whole DVD. It won some kind of award or something.
Have you gotten any free passes from cops? Like, ‘hey I’m Harvey Pekar I was in a movie for fucks sake!’
No, no. The less I have to do with cops the better.
Do you go see live jazz?
No I don’t go out. And this is another area that used to be totally different. There were like five movie theaters and restaurants—it used to be kind of a classy area. It was like Cleveland’s first major shopping district outside of downtown. 105th and Euclid. Just lines of stores and stuff. But they just tore it all down. This was Cleveland’s main drag on the East Side. Now there’s nothing. Nothing’s going on. You don’t see anything here but vacant lots.
The mayor got mad at me one time because of the American Splendor movie. Keep in mind I had nothing to say about what locations they were going to use. But she thought it made Cleveland look terrible, and that I wasn’t being a loyal Clevelander. This was after she had given me some kind of special award for the movie or something. The thing is, I think that’s some of the most interesting stuff about Cleveland. It’s middle and lower class housing and neighborhoods. I think that there’s a variety of housing and architectural styles in Cleveland. I like those double houses like I grew up in.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were stuck here for another day. My wife is just, you know, going to act very put out when I get back because I’ve kept the car so long. When I get back it will probably be 2:00.
You can blame me if you need to
No! no….well, if I thought I could get away with it. Nah, she wouldn’t let me off that easy. I’ll just tell her, you know, I wanted to make a good impression.
Why did you stay here all these years?
I stayed in Cleveland because I had a steady job here. Then when I was retired I had a house that was almost paid for, and there was no sense in going anywhere else. I mean, I got a big house for $70,000.
What’s the most common question you get from people?
Oh, I don’t know. I mean, there’s not just one there’s several. I don’t keep track of them anymore.
Do you get grief for being negative or realistic?
Yeah, once in a while I’ll get stuff from people who think I’m just being negative.
COLOR/FEATURE NOTES
•After the park, we swung by the VA hospital just to see where it was. We didn’t go in because Toby doesn’t work on Saturdays. Shit! He caught me up to speed on what Toby’s up to though.
•It’s a beautiful view. A relaxing breeze and a nice day. I ask Harvey where he’s most relaxed, and if he ever comes out to these places to relax. “No, I don’t care about these cemeteries, I just thought you might want to see it. I don’t get out much. I’m most comfortable and relaxed at home in my bed.”
•Trying to leave the cemetery, we got utterly lost. “Where the fuck am I?” he kept saying.
•It was getting late into the afternoon, so he started taking me back to the hotel. We drove down Cleveland’s “main drag,” which is now pretty much vacant lots and abandoned businesses. “There’s nothing here now,” he says.
•“I gotta get the car home or the wife will yell at me.” Later I’d find out they’d still be asleep when he got home. It was 3:30 in the afternoon.
•At the hotel, he told me to call with follow-ups at anytime. “There’s nothing I like more than talking about myself, so call me. It will probably be the highlight of my day!”
•Before getting out of the car, I asked him if he’d sign my sketchbook. He drew me a patented Harvey Pekar, crude stick figure in it with a word balloon “Come Back and See Us Some Time —Harvey Pekar.”
I’ve discovered some sort of time rift that allows me to travel, unharmed, through un-energized ghosts in Pac-Man Championship Edition. IT’S LIKE TOUCHING THE FINGER OF GOD. When it happened I jumped…I couldn’t believe I saw it. And then I died almost immediately. I kind of feel like I’ve seen the Matrix for the first time. I must have watched this 100 times…I can’t figure it out either.
Left to right: Recently deceased Golden Girls Rue McClanahan, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and Slipknot bassist Masky McGee, who committed suicide.
It’s been a rough week on us all as my Celebrity Wristwatch Curse continues. First, I got this Michael Jackson watch as a gift, and now my wife’s Golden Girl watch has claimed its next victim. It’s just like the Monkey’s Paw, but for $20 plastic wristwatches. So that’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve bought ever single Rod Blagojevich watch and I plan on wearing them up both arms as long as it takes.
Remember, the Golden Girls airs at 6 and 6:30 on WE Network, 11 and 11:30 EST on Hallmark, and 11 and 11:30 on WE again. Also, I’ll see you on the Hallmark Channel forums (yes, they have a thriving message board community! Thank you for asking!)
In memorial, one last time with passion….let’s return to a magical place, sugah. Rue has already been to Cat Mountain, so heaven holds no surprises for her.
In retrospect, this old post from WorstCartoonsEver.com seems tasteless, crass and mean. But, I stand behind it, and am re-posting it here because of Gary Coleman’s recent death. Enjoy this little piece of nostalgia and think of all the wee child actors you grew up with in the eighties. I kid because I love. Some of my best friends are short and named Gary.
Originally Ran 04-21-2009
Now here’s a premise I can get behind: Gary Coleman, except dead.
So, wait… all Gary Coleman has to do is pleasure himself and he returns from the dead? At this rate, he’ll never stay in the grave! BLAST!
Yep, there is something you didn’t think you’d see when you woke up today: a masturbating Gary Coleman angel. Thank you for coming to my website. There’s a comment card on the nightstand. I hope you enjoyed your stay.
Ok, ok…FINE. One more time. And slooower, just for the ladies.
Shown: If the first thing you notice is this 25th Anniversary Pac-Man/Galaga cabinet, welcome to my world.
As you’re no doubt aware, today is Pac-Man’s birthday. I’m more than a little overwhelmed. With my wedding anniversary tomorrow (I swear I didn’t plan it that way), I’m never sure where my loyalties should lie this time of year. You know around Christmas, when they interview that crazy woman who fills her trailer with a shit ton of Santa Claus stuff? Except she’s had it up all year, and she says something like “Everyday is Christmas at 432 Orchard Alley Lane!” and you feel sick and sad for her? Well, that’s me. But for Pac-Man. My house is a little like wandering into Leatherface’s house, except instead of chicken bones hanging from the ceiling, it’s just Pac-Man stuff. Pac-Man is such a part of the backdrop in my house, that I forget how much I’ve actually accumulated from friends, family, eBay, flea markets and fans. Once you’re a known collector of something, it makes it easy for everyone to buy for you on holidays, which is nice. I’ve already covered some of my most coveted possessions in this NOT SAFE FOR WORK post from Joystick Division, but I took a stroll around my house and just took pictures of stuff I could actually see in front of me. Something I promised to do months ago. If I actually start digging, there’s hundreds more items strewn about…this is only scratching the surface.
So why Pac-Man?
Pac-Man is pure. Pac-Man is Pizza Hut breadsticks and a borrowed quarter from mom. Pac-Man is universal. Pac-Man is challenging and addictive 30 years later. Pac-Man is a warm yellow memory. Ok, scratch that last one. That didn’t sound right.
It’s the ghosts and blood, dust and mud, and the roar of an arcade crowd.
I made this Pac-Man beer cooler for my Pac-Man themed going away party in New York. I used my crappy cell phone video camera to capture this little magic event.
INSERT COIN AND CLICK THROUGH FOR MORE PAC-MAN CRAP THAN YOU CAN HANDLE
Shown: a rare Ms. Pac-Man addition to my collection, stolen from a Indianapolis Head Shop wall. Check out the ticket price, $12! This was before Feed The Animals changed the world.
I’m pretty happy with how this turned out. The writer, author Scott Faingold, really nailed it. Check it out online, or pick it up anywhere around Springfield! Between this article, and the Western Magazine article by Sarah Zeeck last week, it’s clear that the best writing talent comes from the Midwest.
I’d like to take this time to remind you all that Members Save 10%. I’m really looking forward to this, and I’ve got some special things planned for all of us. As of now, there’s no after party planned…but I think that’d be kind of cool. Ideas?
Well, I’m off to Ohio to film little girls dancing. So let’s close out the week with the coolest kids on the internet and their re-make of Silence of the Lambs. They’re fans of the site, and I see a little of myself in these fellas. When I was the age of these kids, I was remaking Batman in my bedroom with a Beta-Max camera. My friend Joe was making Abortion Videos with Action Figures. This continues that fantastic spirit. All you need to know is in their description: “This video took us days to make…During buffalo bills make up session…he tortures his victim with dolls…..Inspector Chubbs interrogates Hannibal…….and Hannibal winds up having the best dinner of his life.”
Also, they relentlessly call the kid from Snowman Domination fat, and I don’t know if it’s wrong of me to laugh, or why he puts up with it, but…it’s kind of awesome. I love that kid.
